Lost and confused

[bea1974]

I'm currently on a psych ward in London England. Previous attempts to ctb over the last few years have failed. I'm now fixated on getting some N and doing it that way.
I have such brain fog though, and my ability to concentrate is zilch.
I've been trying to read the PPH which I downloaded from this site am lots of it makes sense. It confirms me in my choice.
But then it gets to the info on how to get it and I find it overwhelming and beyond me.
I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just feel so alone and overwhelmed I guess I could do with a bit of support while I try to gather my mental strength to get back to reading and trying to understand it.
Obviously I can't talk to anyone irl about my reality, my pain, my desires. So any solidarity here would mean a lot.

 

[logan]

In your current situation, you should first try to get back on your feet.

 

[bea1974]

In your current situation, you should first try to get back on your feet.

Sorry what do you mean please?

 

[BobMorane]

It's no that complicated. You just have to download a bitcoin wallet with your smartphone, on the application buy some bitcoins with your credit card and then send the bitcoins to the address D gives you.

 

[bea1974]

It's no that complicated. You just have to download a bitcoin wallet with your smartphone, on the application buy some bitcoins with your credit card and then send the bitcoins to the address D gives you.

Thank you.

And D is the person listed as source 2 / b on page 177 in the handbook? With the two email addresses?

 

[Death is beautiful]

Спасибо.

И D - это человек, указанный в качестве источника 2 / b на странице 177 справочника? С двумя адресами электронной почты?

Yes

 

[bea1974]

Yes

Thank you so so much.

 

[bea1974]

Well sorry but if as you say "previous attempts failed" then you are not serious about ctb!

I don't understand that logic or why you would say that.

 

[BobMorane]

I don't understand that logic or why you would say that.

At this point, do not not even get triggered. I guess he doesn't know you can fail an attempt while still being serious. Happened to me too. Cheers.

 

[bea1974]

At this point, do not not even get triggered. I guess he doesn't know you can fail an attempt while still being serious. Happened to me too. Cheers.

Thank you. I'm sorry it happened to you too though.

 

[Ednospatient]

Well sorry but if as you say "previous attempts failed" then you are not serious about ctb!

bruh

 

[bea1974]

So I need to save up some money, learn to use bit coin, then message and pay the man. Then it will come in the post to me and I can finally be free.
It feels doable now thanks that's a big relief. The hardest bit will be gathering the money but that will just take time, and discipline.
And staying patient.
And praying he still in operation when I have the money ready.
But will I need an anti emetic as well?

 

[Smart No More]

If you downloaded the pph from here be careful it's not the edited fake one. A few people have been scammed. Probably more people than we actually know.

 

[bea1974]

If you downloaded the pph from here be careful it's not the edited fake one. A few people have been scammed. Probably more people than we actually know.

How would I know? I thought I could trust this. Now I am devastated by what you say.

 

[Smart No More]

How would I know? I thought I could trust this. Now I am devastated by what you say.

I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I'm sure you can work it out. It depends where on the site you dowloaded it and which version. If you post that detail here I'm sure somebody will be able to help you. There is a letter changed in the email addresses in the fake one.

 

[bea1974]

I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I'm sure you can work it out. It depends where on the site you dowloaded it and which version. If you post that detail here I'm sure somebody will be able to help you. There is a letter changed in the email addresses in the fake one.

Im not blaming you I am glad you warned me as I can't afford to be ripped off.

I found it in the suicide resources thread under the heading downloads and it said it was Aug 2021 edition.

It gives two emails for who it calls source 2, or 'B' who I think is the person referred to on here as D.

I guess I'm not allowed to post the two emails here for you all to verify for me?

 

[Smart No More]

Maybe somebody can pm you or you can pm them?
I think, if the one you gor was uploaded by @RainAndSadness it should be correct.

 

[bea1974]

Maybe somebody can pm you or you can pm them?
I think, if the one you gor was uploaded by @RainAndSadness it should be correct.

Yes it said it was uploaded by @RainAndSadness .

Thank you.

I wouldn't know who to pm tbh.

Maybe I should just work on getting the money ready first, I don't know.

Or maybe I should try again the night night method.

I just want to be gone. Right now.

But I'm locked up in a psych ward so can't do NY of it right now anyway. Just read and research and try to make a plan for when I get out of here.

Try to hold on to the hope that there is a way out of life and that I can do it soon.

 

[fred1]

I don't understand that logic or why you would say

Yes it said it was uploaded by @RainAndSadness .

Thank you.

I wouldn't know who to pm tbh.

Maybe I should just work on getting the money ready first, I don't know.

Or maybe I should try again the night night method.

I just want to be gone. Right now.

But I'm locked up in a psych ward so can't do NY of it right now anyway. Just read and research and try to make a plan for when I get out of here.

Try to hold on to the hope that there is a way out of life and that I can do it soon.

Yes of course there is if u really want to go?! Just hang yourself

 

[Smart No More]

I'm sorry you're suffering. Tbh I wish you were able to find solace and happiness in life but I also fully understand your need to eacape a hellish feeling. I'm not a victim of mental health issues myself. I've akways been pretty lucky on that front. However my physical health has taken a really bad turn causing issues with my brain that mimic mental health issues outwardly so I can at least relate to some extent. I wish you the best. That need for flight is strong and tormenting. Can I ask what methods you failed at? No worry if you don't want to go into it.

 

[fred1]

I don't understand that logic or why you would say that.

I'm so sick of people looking for the sympathy vote here, look if u want to die it's not hard really it isn't but if u r here just for the "oh I'm so sorry for you" then that's ridiculous, there are so many ways to go and if that is what u really want then go ahead and I hope u fine piece but if u r here so people say "oh no don't do it" then that's ridiculous! If u r really wanting to die then u make it happen if u fail then u don't really want to go! Simple

 

[Smart No More]

Yes of course there is if u really want to go?! Just hang yourself

It's not that easy. Hanging is not a peaceful way to end your life! It's surprisingly hard to commit to full suspension hanging if you are aware of what's to come. It's all very easy to say. Much harder to do. I know from personal experience. Previous posts here will confirm this.

I'm so sick of people looking for the sympathy vote here, look if u want to die it's not hard really it isn't but if u r here just for the "oh I'm so sorry for you" then that's ridiculous, there are so many ways to go and if that is what u really want then go ahead and I hope u fine piece but if u r here so people say "oh no don't do it" then that's ridiculous! If u r really wanting to die then u make it happen if u fail then u don't really want to go! Simple

Some people don't want to go. Its true. I don't want to. I have to. This is the difference. When you feel you have to escape a pain and suffering so much that you can't accept living on with it you find yourself in a bit of a no mans land where you have to find the strength to do what needs doing. It's at this point that you realise how hard it actually is. Many describe it as SI survival instinct.

 

[bea1974]

I tried to hang myself but fear and SI kicked in. I think that method takes an inner strength that I don't have.

I tried night night several times but couldn't find the sweet spot/SI kicked in.

My "best" as in most beautiful, painless, and very nearly successful was when I took a packet of tramadol and a few valium washed down with a bottle of gin. I was found by a neighbour who took me to hospital. I spent 3 days in ICU where a doctor told me what I had taken would have been enough for most people (but obviously unfortunately it was not enough for me). Maybe if I'd been thinner.

 

[Smart No More]

So is this why you're now on the psych ward?

 

[bea1974]

So is this why you're now on the psych ward?

I was an idiot.

I was being visited at home by psych nurses and was struggling with not knowing what to do, whether to just do it (night night) or whether to let them admit me and I went for the second option in the spur of the moment.

This is part of why I'm so confused.

I don't understand why I didn't just do it. I don't understand why I keep not doing it. Why can't I just hang myself? I don't know.

 

[Smart No More]

Cos suicide is not painless.

 

[bea1974]

I just wish there was a switch, that I could turn myself off.

Or a clinic, where they would inject me like they did for my dog, and let me slip away peacefully like she did.

Cos suicide is not painless.

Unfortunately yes, and I am a coward. I want a peaceful, painless, exit.

 

[Smart No More]

I honestly don't know why you can't reasonably do it. Legally choose to be euthanized I mean. It's such an odd taboo to me. It could even help the planet in its own way. We're already over populated, raping the planet and it's other inhabitants. Humans are both wonderful and dreadful. We have free will and self awareness. I don't see why we can't choose to leave the planet if we feel we don't have an ability to offer towards the greater good so to speak. We're literally forced to burden our loved ones/family, the state if we don't have savings to live on and a don't own your own property and throughout it you must suffer and take pills that may or may not make you worse because it's a suck it and see process in many cases.

Covid may actually be the best opener to a good argument for euthanasia actually. With such pressure on healthcare and the subsequent knock on effect financially and on people's health in other areas, surely it would help everyone if you could go and pay for a humane death and be cremated or buried beneath a small tree in a struggling forest/woodland. Help the environemt and the planet as well ending your suffering. It's a really honerable end and that tree beats a gravestone any day. Helping toward the global waeming crisis, leaving a visitable ever growing oxygen air cleaning machine. It seems perfect. I could have explained it better but you get my meaning, right? I would love to go that way. With or without euthanasia.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also wish there was a switch to turn myself off. Taking our own lives is very difficult as we are programmed to survive. There should be euthanasia options, as it is cruel for society to expect people to suffer for decades. I'm sorry you are suffering. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[mentalhealthfighter]

I really hope you find peace soon