Venting 'Lost' almost all my family

[puella]

I lived with my mother and father until I was 12 (divorced), and then only my mother after that. I moved to Chicago from my hometown in Montana recently, but it hadn't been working out with my roommate. I planned to come back to my hometown to visit for Christmas and CTB anyways; I didn't really care about what was 'after'.

But my CTB method was taken away, since I had to ship my SN to my dad's warehouse and store it there. My parents found out what it was through my girlfriend—who herself found out because of me talking to her about it when I was too emotional—and they got rid of it. Now I'm stuck here, with no plan.

After finding out, I was upset at everyone: myself, my girlfriend, my parents, and mostly the world. It just sucked. I wanted to be alone, I shut myself in my room for a while, and I didn't want to talk to anyone. But my mom thought that wasn't okay. She was mad at me—just for being mad at her—even though I didn't say anything at all to her. I didn't tell anyone I was upset at them, I just wanted to be alone.

I texted her "Fuck off," since I didn't want to speak with her. I don't like to swear, especially at people, I was just angry. But that started a mess. She threatened to hospitalize me (which likely wouldn't have worked, since I have no plan to CTB anymore) and threatened to take away the internet (which hasn't worked since I was literally a kid; I have my own phone plan) saying this website is full of "sick and evil" people (she doesn't know anything about this site—I never said the name to my girlfriend—I just said I had researched CTB methods and vented on a website helpful for that).

And then she said "Get over yourself...you have purposefully made your life hard, don't blame anyone but yourself for your hardships." I instantly decided to never speak with her again after she text me this. I told her I was going to block her number, and then I did. I've been struggling so, so much with transitioning. It isn't my fault that I needed to try moving away for a chance to be legally protected, receive medical care, and avoid harassment. And I've been struggling my whole life.

It isn't my fault that I'm always depressed, no matter how much therapy I do or how many medications I try. It isn't my fault that I always feel anxious and I'm too afraid to ever be alone around strangers. It isn't my fault that I get overwhelmed by my emotions too often and cry or have panic attcks. It isn't my fault that I can't usually speak without ASL because I freeze up. I have gender dysphoria; I have depression; I have anxiety; I have autism. It isn't my fault, I didn't choose for my body and brain to be like this.

And my environment hasn't been good either. If she wanted all my hardships to be my own fault, why didn't she stop my dad from hurting me *every* time? Why didn't she work with the school more to stop me from getting bullied by the kids and teachers? Why did she get me a proper help earlier, during puberty when I started being horribly unstable? I bet if I was safe and loved at home, if I went to school and could actually focus on learning and growing my interests like chess and strategy games, and if got help during puberty to figure out why I felt so wrong and got puberty blockers, I would have much more manageable hardships. I don't care if I haven't done everything perfectly myself. How was I supposed to? Everything started snowballing when I was just a kid. I'm still only 21. I just wish she hadn't given birth to me; that was my parents' fault only.

My girlfriend and I are still close. I'm upset at her for lying to me, but I understand why she did. She just loves me and wants me to be safe. My mother doesn't love me.

My girlfriend understood, and wanted to help me get somewhere safer. She helped me move all my stuff to her place so I could live with her for a while. That's where I am now. Even if I wanted to go back to my mother's house—I never will—I couldn't. She caught us moving my stuff out, and got insanely mad. She yelled at me, at my girlfriend, and said to get out and never come back. I'm much happier going no contact with her anyways. I'll never go somewhere she is, I'll never unblock her number; it's over.

I'm doing Christmas with my girlfriend. It's been lovely and warm. She said her family has a tradition of opening one gift a day early, and she got me an adorable Eevee hoodie I'm wearing right now. I don't want a family. Most of them already stopped really respecting me when I came out as transgender. None of them want to care about me for who I am.

I don't know what my plan is. It would be unfair of me to live in my girlfriend's place forever when it wasn't planned. I will try to work out the living situation with my roommate from Chicago more. We are still close friends, it was just hard to live together, but maybe it can be worked out. Everything has been really hard lately.

 

[Sylveon]

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. Things must be really hard for you right now; arguments with family members can be really hard, especially if they start blaming you for the things you have no control over (really makes it feel as though everything they said/did before was disingenious, right? :/), but remember that it isn't your fault, no matter how much anyone says otherwise. I know words may not mean much, but I really hope everything works out for you. <3

Have a great Christmas〜

 

[Kasumi]

oof, I can really relate to that, my family is similar, you can't trust them and whatever you do it's always your fault.
The only good thing is that I learned not to trust anyone early and as such could protect myself from getting betrayed over and over again.
I've never trusted any friend enough either to tell them in detail about my ctb plans, and I'm glad I didn't.

Your girlfriend might be a lovely and genuinely caring person but betraying you like that wasn't right no matter how you look at it.
How can there be trust when people lie and betray... think about it, if she showed you that you could 100% trust in her you wouldn't need to hide things from her and you would be able to talk to her even about your immediate ctb plans, which in turn would give her the chance to talk to you, work out solutions together and possibly convice you to stay.
But if she betrays you, all that will achieve is you just not telling her about your plans anymore, taking the possibility away for her to help you find a way out.

Despite your SN gone there are still other methods, personally I might go with GBL over SN anyway.
Night Night is also a pretty interesting option to me, it may be easier than partial, the ressources are easy enough to get hold of and it's painless as well.
If I had the option (large private apartment) I'd probably go with inert gas.