Venting losing touch with my own humanity

[kiki <3]

lately i have been experiencing a tremendous amount of disgust solely with the fact that i am human.

i want nothing to do with my body, my mind or my soul. i wish i could give them to someone else, someone who can find some use at least but then again i cannot picture anyone wanting THIS. how could you? there is no envy on my part, i just don't seem to understand how people can go on for decades with being... human. how do you manage to tune out and remain remotely sane with this amount of evil, greed, abuse, selfishness, entitlement, arrogance and stupidity surrounding you? i ended up from being perplexed to being absolutely disgusted, horrified, you name it. i have tried over and over again to create and cultivate a world of my own, to get better for the sake of myself and others. it is impossible. whenever i do try to be in control of my life, i remember the things that i am not in control of, and it kills my will to go on. i care too much about everything to be alive at this point, it seems. it is either: try to stay sane and then die or be alive and then go insane, it feels like those are the only two options for me. i try my hardest to look for balance only to find nothing, so i try to create it. i try to create this balance only to run out of resources. how do i find the proper resources in this terrible world?

being human, for me, is a very dehumanizing experience. embarrassing, everything is so embarrassing and hopeless.

 

[justamirror]

Ignorance is bliss. Many people have a "lane" or a "box" they don't leave or even think of things outside of them. People all have their own biases baked in from other biases. Many people lack critical thinking it has a huge skill ceiling. They lack the ability to leave room for no, maybe, what if, I wonder what it's like, etc.

Many people have not even touched the extremes of what it's like being a human. They have no connection to it even.

Humanity cannot be found on the large scale. It is only found within the individual. When you look out into society, your culture, humanity as a whole - you will not find very much humanity. Instead you will find the cold murderous nature of what this whole universe is built upon. We have to take from something or others to survive for ourselves.

It's straight up baked into the very nature of existence - thus we are the same. Try to be the opposite of the vacuum - but those efforts can fail so easily. It's quite the duality.

I have the same problem - those near me tell me I care too much about everything, about humanity, about large scale things - and it hurts me. They basically tell me to shut my eyes and go to sleep. But I can't :(

I just try my hardest to realize good is not the nature of this world - that is something we have created a human thing. That it takes tremendous power once you have seen the true nature of everything - it is easier for some because they do not recognize this. This place is a cold lifeless place led by the dead. It is dying as well. That's also baked into humanity it always fails and starts over.

 

[kiki <3]

i am sorry to hear that people have told you that you care too much about everything. when people tell me this... i have no choice but to silently agree. still, it hurts to hear that. i once told my coworker who is about ten years older than me that i wish i could just. not care anymore, not give a single utter fuck. and all he had to say to that was that this is simply in my nature. that broke me that day (in fairness, i was not feeling well to begin with).

i can't help but feel the same way, that everything around us is dying. it's just really hard for me to NOT bat an eye, i am scared of becoming what i fear and hate the most in humanity. that is entirely me though, and ironically that is that one thing i can try and take control of but... perhaps it is in my nature after all.

appreciate you for responding.

 

[Trav1989]

lately i have been experiencing a tremendous amount of disgust solely with the fact that i am human.

i want nothing to do with my body, my mind or my soul. i wish i could give them to someone else, someone who can find some use at least but then again i cannot picture anyone wanting THIS. how could you? there is no envy on my part, i just don't seem to understand how people can go on for decades with being... human. how do you manage to tune out and remain remotely sane with this amount of evil, greed, abuse, selfishness, entitlement, arrogance and stupidity surrounding you? i ended up from being perplexed to being absolutely disgusted, horrified, you name it. i have tried over and over again to create and cultivate a world of my own, to get better for the sake of myself and others. it is impossible. whenever i do try to be in control of my life, i remember the things that i am not in control of, and it kills my will to go on. i care too much about everything to be alive at this point, it seems. it is either: try to stay sane and then die or be alive and then go insane, it feels like those are the only two options for me. i try my hardest to look for balance only to find nothing, so i try to create it. i try to create this balance only to run out of resources. how do i find the proper resources in this terrible world?

being human, for me, is a very dehumanizing experience. embarrassing, everything is so embarrassing and hopeless.

Welcome to the club, the club of extremely flawed, selfish, and greedy beings called humans. It sucks, it really does but what real choice do we actually have in this life other than to CTB? I struggle with the lack of personal agency in this existence as well, we are basically forced to work or we are homeless and have to live off the system and even if we do work sometimes we are still on it. Mention your mental health issues? Your in it as well.

Then there is the flipside where you can just buy a small plot of land and park a camper on it and then your out of the system for the most part but loneliness sets in.

As humans we evolved to be tribalistic because if we weren't we couldn't survive and later down the road we learned to become selfish because that was a requirement of making it in modern society.

So now the human condition consists of a bunch of greedy hive-minded individuals and it's no wonder that society is collapsing in every conceivable way which has led to the mental health crisis where people are more-so desiring an "out" than ever before in recent history.

Why take part in a game that will just turn you into a heartless shell in the end when you can just punch your ticket early and move on to whatever is next with your dignity and sanity intact?

The reason a lot of us are suicidal is because we just care and love too much when we live in a world filled with those who will never reciprocate such back because they allowed themselves to be molded into soulless husks who are content with just dealing with the things they put up with by projecting their vitriol onto others.

I cared far too much for most of my life, always helping others and never asking for anything in return, always being honest and kind, and in the end upon taking hit after hit I just gave up and resigned myself to just not putting myself out there at all anymore and became a hermit of sorts.

I tried one final time after a woman approached me telling me I was handsome and despite her having nothing and being miserably depressed I took her in, gave her the literal clothes off of my back, allowed her to live with me for free, bought her a car, allowed her to take whatever she wanted out of my fridge, eventually we fell in love or so I thought. We got married and things went great for a while before she began hanging around her old friends that got her into her previous situation in the first place and then she ended up using drugs and got suicidal, next thing you know she was committed to a mental institution, then again, racking up thousands of dollars in debt. She then began to take loans and she would leave for months and then come back a disheveled mess and eventually admitted she was prostituting herself for money and drugs and I took her back once, then she had me co-sign for more loans and even begged my parents for money before leaving again and never coming back after meeting some new "guy".

I later came to find out that her previous husband went through the same ordeal as I had and that she has a history of using men for money before leaving them once it dries up and would funnel a portion of the money to her true boyfriend who pimped her out.

She had been likely cheating on me throughout the entire relationship with multiple other men while costing me tens of thousands of dollars in a handful of years.

That experience further pushed me to the choice to CTB in the near future. I am done dealing with others because all you get back in return is pain and strife.

 

[justamirror]

i feel like me searching everything outside of myself - searching for the good, is a way for me to find the good within myself. I find much more bad than good when I just look around me though so... IM BAD... I'm not happy. Everything around me is sad just like me.

I do see there is good though, and some of it is just so heartwarming and explosive. It is still hard to remember that good is something we humans have to foster and develop ourselves, for ourselves, for others. It is not something fundamental about society, about culture, about humanity. I always forget that. I always forget I am suppose to make myself happy, make things good.

I have stayed inside the dark for far too long though ;(

 

[kiki <3]

Welcome to the club, the club of extremely flawed, selfish, and greedy beings called humans. It sucks, it really does but what real choice do we actually have in this life other than to CTB? I struggle with the lack of personal agency in this existence as well, we are basically forced to work or we are homeless and have to live off the system and even if we do work sometimes we are still on it. Mention your mental health issues? Your in it as well.

Then there is the flipside where you can just buy a small plot of land and park a camper on it and then your out of the system for the most part but loneliness sets in.

As humans we evolved to be tribalistic because if we weren't we couldn't survive and later down the road we learned to become selfish because that was a requirement of making it in modern society.

So now the human condition consists of a bunch of greedy hive-minded individuals and it's no wonder that society is collapsing in every conceivable way which has led to the mental health crisis where people are more-so desiring an "out" than ever before in recent history.

Why take part in a game that will just turn you into a heartless shell in the end when you can just punch your ticket early and move on to whatever is next with your dignity and sanity intact?

The reason a lot of us are suicidal is because we just care and love too much when we live in a world filled with those who will never reciprocate such back because they allowed themselves to be molded into soulless husks who are content with just dealing with the things they put up with by projecting their vitriol onto others.

I cared far too much for most of my life, always helping others and never asking for anything in return, always being honest and kind, and in the end upon taking hit after hit I just gave up and resigned myself to just not putting myself out there at all anymore and became a hermit of sorts.

I tried one final time after a woman approached me telling me I was handsome and despite her having nothing and being miserably depressed I took her in, gave her the literal clothes off of my back, allowed her to live with me for free, bought her a car, allowed her to take whatever she wanted out of my fridge, eventually we fell in love or so I thought. We got married and things went great for a while before she began hanging around her old friends that got her into her previous situation in the first place and then she ended up using drugs and got suicidal, next thing you know she was committed to a mental institution, then again, racking up thousands of dollars in debt. She then began to take loans and she would leave for months and then come back a disheveled mess and eventually admitted she was prostituting herself for money and drugs and I took her back once, then she had me co-sign for more loans and even begged my parents for money before leaving again and never coming back after meeting some new "guy".

I later came to find out that her previous husband went through the same ordeal as I had and that she has a history of using men for money before leaving them once it dries up and would funnel a portion of the money to her true boyfriend who pimped her out.

She had been likely cheating on me throughout the entire relationship with multiple other men while costing me tens of thousands of dollars in a handful of years.

That experience further pushed me to the choice to CTB in the near future. I am done dealing with others because all you get back in return is pain and strife.

first of all, thank you for taking the time to write out this lengthy response, i appreciate when people give me a piece of their perspective on this particular topic as i do not feel comfortable talking about this anywhere else, especially not outside of the internet.

that is really the reason why i am here. i have tried numerous times to fight the nature of the situation that so many of us are in, to no avail. i always end up with even more questions and EVEN less answers. there are simply things i cannot and refuse to understand, thus furthering myself even more from this world and my human form. until one day there is nothing left of me and i feel like i am much more closer to that point than what i had expected initially.

perhaps it could be that i am stubborn (less than what i used to be), perhaps it could be that caring is all i know what to do. there is also the age aspect of it, as i am only 24 and nowhere near prepared and experienced. i barely know who i am. ever since i had entered my twenties it feels like i had been... reborn? i feel like i had been born again, except this time there is no one to guide me, no one to care and no one to listen. like i need to program a new system from scratch.

i am so scared of hitting that point where i no longer care, as i am not used to that version of myself. i do NOT know that version of myself, at least not yet. there is still a bit of hope left in me and god knows what tomorrow has to bring.

and i am really sorry to hear that you had gone through something so horrible. you give yourself to someone only for them to use you and abandon you, it's heart shattering. thank you for sharing that.

 

[Trav1989]

Each experience you deal with that negatively impacts you tends to numb you if you are invested enough until you just stop stop caring for sure. When I was younger I'd get angry when things didn't go my way and try to fight back but the more I fought the tighter the bindings society entrapped me in ensnared me until I got the the point where I just realized that life is almost completely on rails and we are just along for the ride and taking part in anything will just put you through more emotional strife.

I get what you are conveying about when you mention different "versions" of yourself as that is an astute observation.

The version of me in my early 20's was rebellious, foolhardy, and egocentric. The version of me from my my late twenties was extremely caring and considerate and much calmer and mature than the prior one. The version of me in my mid-30's (now) is extremely wary, knowledgeable, and traumatized.

I have grown to become so disenfranchised with life that I no longer feel as though I can even say that I am human anymore because I've tried every approach at life and nothing stuck, I've had stages in my life where I was asinine but brave, ignorant yet loving, and cold but wise and life only ever spat in my face and pushed me down.

At this point I honestly don't even care to get up and fight because it just doesn't matter, what happens will happen and personal agency is a fabricated yet commonly projected lie. As humans we are told to surpass obstacles by default regardless of the effort involved (be it monetary, physical, mental, or emotional) because we are brainwashed via indoctrination from a young age.

Maybe if everyone quit parroting the same opinions and actually considered things from others' viewpoints and lives instead of just using blanket statements humanity could be truly empathetic towards one-another instead of fake. Just because large government-funded agencies tell you to do something doesn't mean it's in YOUR best interest, they do not know you, they've certainly never walked a mile in your choices, and they have not been through every experience you have.

So why listen to them? and better yet, why spread their messages to every soul in need of help instead of actually connecting with them without there being a giant red button to press when things seem to have gone to far? Maybe instead of telling others to see a therapist and then a therapist having them committed you should learn to understand where they are coming from and find a solution together to better things?

I personally know that when I'm pushed into a corner I get defensive and why should anyone have to feel the need to defend themselves from losing their personal freedoms in modern society?

Maybe I'm just overthinking things or drawing conclusions on some of this and a lot of it borders on idealism but you get my point.

 

[kiki <3]

Each experience you deal with that negatively impacts you tends to numb you if you are invested enough until you just stop stop caring for sure. When I was younger I'd get angry when things didn't go my way and try to fight back but the more I fought the tighter the bindings society entrapped me in ensnared me until I got the the point where I just realized that life is almost completely on rails and we are just along for the ride and taking part in anything will just put you through more emotional strife.

I get what you are conveying about when you mention different "versions" of yourself as that is an astute observation.

The version of me in my early 20's was rebellious, foolhardy, and egocentric. The version of me from my my late twenties was extremely caring and considerate and much calmer and mature than the prior one. The version of me in my mid-30's (now) is extremely wary, knowledgeable, and traumatized.

I have grown to become so disenfranchised with life that I no longer feel as though I can even say that I am human anymore because I've tried every approach at life and nothing stuck, I've had stages in my life where I was asinine but brave, ignorant yet loving, and cold but wise and life only ever spat in my face and pushed me down.

At this point I honestly don't even care to get up and fight because it just doesn't matter, what happens will happen and personal agency is a fabricated yet commonly projected lie. As humans we are told to surpass obstacles by default regardless of the effort involved (be it monetary, physical, mental, or emotional) because we are brainwashed via indoctrination from a young age.

Maybe if everyone quit parroting the same opinions and actually considered things from others' viewpoints and lives instead of just using blanket statements humanity could be truly empathetic towards one-another instead of fake. Just because large government-funded agencies tell you to do something doesn't mean it's in YOUR best interest, they do not know you, they've certainly never walked a mile in your choices, and they have not been through every experience you have.

So why listen to them? and better yet, why spread their messages to every soul in need of help instead of actually connecting with them without there being a giant red button to press when things seem to have gone to far? Maybe instead of telling others to see a therapist and then a therapist having them committed you should learn to understand where they are coming from and find a solution together to better things?

I personally know that when I'm pushed into a corner I get defensive and why should anyone have to feel the need to defend themselves from losing their personal freedoms in modern society?

Maybe I'm just overthinking things or drawing conclusions on some of this and a lot of it borders on idealism but you get my point.

thank you, i understand where you are coming from.

i do indeed get invested. only to a certain extent. this does depend a lot on the nature of the thing i am invested in, in that moment. but as much as i care i also consider myself to be a very impatient person -- i never allow myself to get invested to the point where it can have that numbing effect on me as i get annoyed and overwhelmed too quickly. the process goes as follows: get invested, back off when i can tell i will implode, and then get invested again once i have cooled off. however i absolutely agree, after a certain amount of time and multiple unsuccessful attempts, certain things become history and no longer exist in my mind. it just takes me a while to get to that point. stubbornness and fear. i hate what numbness feels like and i am scared of it.

i wish i knew where this stubbornness comes from. and i wish i could be one of those people that know when to let go. i do not listen to the cues my body gives out, i am too stubborn, and yet overly impatient. i annoy myself with how indecisive i am. i so badly want to understand, and yet... just when i am close, i can no longer do it and i have to further myself away. perhaps it comes from the fact that so much potential that comes with being human is going to waste with each day, and i do not want it to go to waste. but then you see that nothing is really changing and you get annoyed. try, fail, repeat. over and over.

i am completely with you on taking into consideration other people's lives and experiences. every day i wake up horrified with the amount, or rather the lack of care and compassion. not every experience can be understood and empathized with, but my god. lend an ear. offer a hug. take someone out for food, hell take someone out to sit in silence. we have become such a robotized species.

thank you once again, i always appreciate a word or two from someone who is a bit older than me. :)

 

[lachrymost]

being human, for me, is a very dehumanizing experience. embarrassing, everything is so embarrassing and hopeless.

Exactly! I do not wish to be. I don't want to be perceived. I don't want to perceive. That is my genuine preference. Anything else is mortification, and I say that only after I've done everything to beat it out of me in desperation.

 

[kiki <3]

being acknowledged feels like mockery now, it raises my hackles as i am unsure of what is to come, how to behave anymore. truly like mortification as you said.

ps -- luv the disco elysium reference :)

 

[CTB Dream]

Me no human awfl species injury damage me prtnd no hpn any me see many trama loseall, ya rly awfl life awfl human me no feel human anymr me injury damage cz human species do

 

[kiki <3]

Me no human awfl species injury damage me prtnd no hpn any me see many trama loseall, ya rly awfl life awfl human me no feel human anymr me injury damage cz human species do

i am really sorry darling. cruelty towards people with disabilities is a special kind of evil.

i might not be able to understand what it is like, however know that i feel a lot for you. sending you lots of hugs, you seem such a sweet person :) <3

 

[Trav1989]

thank you, i understand where you are coming from.

i do indeed get invested. only to a certain extent. this does depend a lot on the nature of the thing i am invested in, in that moment. but as much as i care i also consider myself to be a very impatient person -- i never allow myself to get invested to the point where it can have that numbing effect on me as i get annoyed and overwhelmed too quickly. the process goes as follows: get invested, back off when i can tell i will implode, and then get invested again once i have cooled off. however i absolutely agree, after a certain amount of time and multiple unsuccessful attempts, certain things become history and no longer exist in my mind. it just takes me a while to get to that point. stubbornness and fear. i hate what numbness feels like and i am scared of it.

i wish i knew where this stubbornness comes from. and i wish i could be one of those people that know when to let go. i do not listen to the cues my body gives out, i am too stubborn, and yet overly impatient. i annoy myself with how indecisive i am. i so badly want to understand, and yet... just when i am close, i can no longer do it and i have to further myself away. perhaps it comes from the fact that so much potential that comes with being human is going to waste with each day, and i do not want it to go to waste. but then you see that nothing is really changing and you get annoyed. try, fail, repeat. over and over.

i am completely with you on taking into consideration other people's lives and experiences. every day i wake up horrified with the amount, or rather the lack of care and compassion. not every experience can be understood and empathized with, but my god. lend an ear. offer a hug. take someone out for food, hell take someone out to sit in silence. we have become such a robotized species.

thank you once again, i always appreciate a word or two from someone who is a bit older than me. :)

You are very welcome

 

[Gangrel]

Sometimes i do have this weird feeling like some kind of out of body experience where i notice i am "human" and i feel disgusted, i am this, i am inside this body, i hate it, it's such a weird feeling, like seeing myself be this species, this machine made out of flesh that one day will diseppear, like...why? it makes no sense

 

[Trav1989]

Sometimes i do have this weird feeling like some kind of out of body experience where i notice i am "human" and i feel disgusted, i am this, i am inside this body, i hate it, it's such a weird feeling, like seeing myself be this species, this machine made out of flesh that one day will diseppear, like...why? it makes no sense

I remember the first time I felt that way (that I can recall). I was 16 and mentioned this to my parents and they told me it was my hormones as I was a teenager. Nah, that's just honestly the case.

 

[kiki <3]

every time i think about this, i circle back to the day of my conception and birth.

a womb that smells like fermented pig meat. slimy placenta, even more malodorous than the womb itself, that will soon become biohazardous waste.
this was once my place of stay until the host kicked me out under biological law. and now i have to carry this sack of skin with me everywhere for years to come.

when i think about it this way, i cannot help but feel like a result of parasitism, as some sort of xenoma. not to mention that this all comes with emotional turmoil, so not only do i have to deal with the physical aspect of it but also mental. it is sick.

 

[whotookmylexapro]

I relate in a sense that my mental illness makes me feel dehumanized. I feel less than human, separated from all my peers, unable to relate to normal people or feel normal emotions. I am constantly consumed by intrusive thoughts, and for some reason it gets worse whenever i get spark of hope or joy. Ive stopped feeling bad for myself because i dont see myself worthy of pity or compassion. Im not even a human so what is the point. Trying to masquerade as someone who values themselves is exhausting, im reaching the point of "failure to thrive" but i still try to atleast do the bare minimum.