Venting Losing myself

[TapeMachine]

I need to get this stuff out before I lose myself completely. I think I'm dissociating or something,

I woke up maybe 15 mins ago and turned on a song from my youth (a Jewel song I used to love to sing), and that led me down a rabbit hole of throwback songs from the 90s, and then I came upon a song I hadn't thought about in so so long, one that my older brother (who died last year in February) got me into when we were young, and a darkness has come over me, feels like my face is on fire and my head is pulsing and light, and I can feel my stomach in my throat, and now I...

I had a bad day yesterday, and I woke up feeling bad today as well, and I just want to be able to listen to these songs happily, but now I'm crying in my room with some of my old favorite songs blaring from my bluetooth speaker...and I wish I could have died instead of him. I was supposed to die, I had everything planned out...And if our parents knew the truth: that they had to lose him in order to save me (atleast temporarily), they'd...I don't know, feel so much guilt? Which is why they can never know that I was planning to die this time last year, and that the only reason I'm still alive is because my brother died first and I cannot bear the thought of destroying them with another death, even though they piss me off at times, I still don't want to hurt them nor my other brothers.

Sometimes I wish I still drank alcohol, not because I ever liked the taste of that garbage, not because the hangovers were ever worth it- but because it was nice to have access to an off-switch to my brain. At will, I could just chug several shots of vodka and poof, my mind was gone, no more anxiety and pain for a short while... But I hate alcohol and have no desire to actually drink it these days. I just miss the off-switch. I miss my brother. I miss him so fucking much, but I'm glad he finally found peace, and I wish I could follow suit already... When will it finally be okay for me to leave as well..?

I wish I could curl up and never wake up again. I wish I could turn my brain off for good.

 

[TapeMachine]

I guess I'm a glutton for pain, because I've been playing the same song that devastated me yesterday, over and over again today.

"Swallowed" by Bush is the song. I was 11 years old when it was one of my favorites. (Holy shit, that was 28 years ago..)

As I sit here today and let the music consume my senses, I can almost travel back in time and experience what it felt like to be my kid self so very long ago. I was such an angsty but hopeful child, and I'd sing along to this song, all alone in my bedroom, feeling such a sense of pride that my big brother approved of my taste in music.