Losing my identity and sense of self. I've deteriorated so much, I don't recognise myself.

[LastLoveLetter]

I used to have hopes, dreams and interests. I used to have ambitions and aspirations, such as being a published writer. Adopting abused children to give them a better life than I ever had. Things far beyond my grasp now, because stringing a sentence together is a tremendous task. And there's no possibility of looking after a child if I can't even take care of myself.

All the traits that made me a multifaceted person have been scooped out, leaving an empty vessel behind. And I can't even adequately express what that experience is like anymore - anything I write falls short because I'm existing in this constant fog, unable to focus or think clearly.

Even as I type this, I keep becoming distracted by every small sound, my thoughts drift away into nothingness, my mind feels too full and too overwhelmed yet it contains so little that could be considered lucid or coherent. An endless sea of disjointed thoughts immersed in heavy cotton wool.

Far too often, I sit here staring blankly at the screen, my ceiling or my bedroom wall, frozen in limbo. I will myself to do something or say something and just can't. I can't find momentary comfort in books, writing, games or movies, because I can't focus long enough to read a book or write a poem or play a simple video game or even watch an episode of a series.

Recently, I tried to join some online meetings to connect with other people because I'm so desperately lonely and isolated, but couldn't even do that because the fact I was sitting there being a silent zombie and literally falling asleep in the middle of the call just made people uncomfortable. Despite the fact it's not within my control. It's a reminder that I'm not worth being around.

When I come across some my older posts on here, it almost feels as though they were written by someone else. Nowadays, for everything I post, there are many incomplete or erased drafts. That loss of expression has greatly contributed to feeling as though my sense of self is being slowly stripped away. What happened to the person who wrote poetry and short stories? The person that won her local writing competition when she was a teenager? The person who drew, sang, cosplayed and baked? The person who facilitated huge mental health communities and campaigned politically and wanted to start a charity? I don't know where she went.

It's difficult enough to be incurably ill, in pain and deeply traumatised with no support network.

It's all the more devastating to not even be able to accurately articulate these experiences anymore, to not be able to find a modicum of comfort or relief in the simplest of things. To not be able to find community and solidarity. To feel so brain-dead and ruined that there's no hope of feeling connected with others, even here. To helplessly watch my mind and body continue to decline beyond recognition. To know that every goal I ever had was merely a pipe dream, a wistful fantasy.

To feel my sense of self slip away, and never be able to bring it back.

 

[Hollowman]

I relate so much, it's hell.

 

[Cepi]

It's tremendously painful watching your mind and body go while others can take that for granted. Simple tasks become heavy burdens and you wonder how could you fall so deep down into an abyss with no light in sight now. I often wonder If I'll find happiness again or if my time of happiness on earth has faded and I'm forcing myself to stick around for the sake of guilt and punishment of feeling so goddam worthless. I can't say it'll get easier but this fog you experience daily is something that a lot of people feel but just can't muster the words to even describe how perfectly you captured that emptiness of a soul. Peace be with you.

 

[nodaysleft]

For me it feels like I'm sitting in the passengers seat and feeling paralysed, unable to undertake any actions or take back control. Grieving your old self and watching yourself slipping away is scary. Especially when you feel so tremendously alone. Like you, I've tried things like special meetings for people to meet new friends or doing the things you once felt so passionate about. Only to feel more disappointed and lost afterwards. There's truly no words that can describe how that feels and it's never ending.

 

[LifeIsCrazyNemb]

I used to have hopes, dreams and interests. I used to have ambitions and aspirations, such as being a published writer. Adopting abused children to give them a better life than I ever had. Things far beyond my grasp now, because stringing a sentence together is a tremendous task. And there's no possibility of looking after a child if I can't even take care of myself.

All the traits that made me a multifaceted person have been scooped out, leaving an empty vessel behind. And I can't even adequately express what that experience is like anymore - anything I write falls short because I'm existing in this constant fog, unable to focus or think clearly.

Even as I type this, I keep becoming distracted by every small sound, my thoughts drift away into nothingness, my mind feels too full and too overwhelmed yet it contains so little that could be considered lucid or coherent. An endless sea of disjointed thoughts immersed in heavy cotton wool.

Far too often, I sit here staring blankly at the screen, my ceiling or my bedroom wall, frozen in limbo. I will myself to do something or say something and just can't. I can't find momentary comfort in books, writing, games or movies, because I can't focus long enough to read a book or write a poem or play a simple video game or even watch an episode of a series.

Recently, I tried to join some online meetings to connect with other people because I'm so desperately lonely and isolated, but couldn't even do that because the fact I was sitting there being a silent zombie and literally falling asleep in the middle of the call just made people uncomfortable. Despite the fact it's not within my control. It's a reminder that I'm not worth being around.

When I come across some my older posts on here, it almost feels as though they were written by someone else. Nowadays, for everything I post, there are many incomplete or erased drafts. That loss of expression has greatly contributed to feeling as though my sense of self is being slowly stripped away. What happened to the person who wrote poetry and short stories? The person that won her local writing competition when she was a teenager? The person who drew, sang, cosplayed and baked? The person who facilitated huge mental health communities and campaigned politically and wanted to start a charity? I don't know where she went.

It's difficult enough to be incurably ill, in pain and deeply traumatised with no support network.

It's all the more devastating to not even be able to accurately articulate these experiences anymore, to not be able to find a modicum of comfort or relief in the simplest of things. To not be able to find community and solidarity. To feel so brain-dead and ruined that there's no hope of feeling connected with others, even here. To helplessly watch my mind and body continue to decline beyond recognition. To know that every goal I ever had was merely a pipe dream, a wistful fantasy.

To feel my sense of self slip away, and never be able to bring it back.

Wow you write beautifuly. You have a great talent writing. Wish you good luck and may you find peace.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Thank you all for the responses and support, they are all appreciated. I'm sorry some of you can relate to this feeling. It's awful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Simple tasks become heavy burdens and you wonder how could you fall so deep down into an abyss with no light in sight now.

That's so true and you've captured that feeling very well. Things that are everyday, basic necessities become a Sisyphean struggle. Days where my mind was sharp and I could go out or perform basic tasks feel like a distant dream now.

For me it feels like I'm sitting in the passengers seat and feeling paralysed, unable to undertake any actions or take back control. Grieving your old self and watching yourself slipping away is scary.

I can relate to that, and there's such a profound helplessness in not being able to steer your own body and life. It is frightening to witness yourself decline and become someone else. I'm sorry you're experiencing that, and I agree that it feels endless. I keep thinking it can't get worse, and somehow it does.

 

[undesirednlazy]

i relate soo much,
i wanted to be a punk, feel that teen rebellion and carry into something for the world to feel. ive wanted to do graffiti, disobey the law, spread messages of love hope and compassion in my neighborhood, maybe even form a community that cares enough to make beauty out this place.

But even before i felt that way my life has been, by choice, relegated to sitting in a room behind a screen. I wanted to pursue higher education to do something for those around me, now i cant even bare to think a week ahead much less beyond my bedroom walls.
I dont care to "fix" my life anymore whether its possible or not, i just dont want to be a part of it anymore.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I'm so sorry persie, it's like I could have written this myself. Being able to look back and see the stark difference in cognitive functioning is haunting, it's like mourning a total loss of the self once things like passion, creativity, and the ability to articulate oneself begins to wane.

Much like you, I tried to leave the forum for awhile and seek out connections in real life but I hit the exact same problems, falling asleep in public or being on the verge of doing so, going silent (not because I'm anxious or anything of that nature but I genuinely have nothing to say or contribute which puts people off) and never really being fully present due to the extreme brainfog. On top of that, it's made me extremely emotionally numb. There's a community for an interest I had that I just had to barr myself from participating in because I'm not an artist or creative type whatsoever anymore, my ability to write is completely shot.

Especially since last year, I can feel my ability to function slipping and sliding into oblivion. As you describe, losing all focus means that one loses all distractions and sources of comfort. I have the attention span of a toddler with an ipad now, and can't do anything of value because my memory is completely decimated, I can't even remember a login code that gets sent to my phone or juggle multiple bits of info in my brain at once like most can. So I understand completely how it feels like being an observer to a disaster, standing at the sidelines and being unable to stop the tempest of destruction that's raging on.

I think very few can comprehend what it feels like to live in a permanent foggy haze, unable to truly participate in life and feeling like a spectator at all times. This is one of the worst symptoms of CFS in my opinion as it sucks away at the very soul. Much like you, I feel like my personality and who I was as a person was completely yanked from me and stolen almost overnight. I wish there was even the slightest understanding of what causes this or what exactly it is, because it is pure hell and no one should have to experience it.

 

[beaten96]

Yeah.. it happens.. my first real feelings of feeling like I was disappearing were abut 3 years ago.. and it's only gotten worse since. Just a shell of your former self.. even if you got some of you back.. you know who you used to be never is.. not really.. there isn't any point in trying.. sorry you're feeling that way.. it's a brutal feeling.. just be careful people exploit the shit out of it.. and they do..

 

[Archness]

While I'm different, similar enough to understand. Loosing mental-functions that even the most simple jobs are noticeably cumbersome to do. Even with what little I've done in work, it's just becoming more clear that it'll be pointless in the end.

Since... around 2020, late 2019, my mind started blooming with much more complex thoughts... But all these recursions in thought and life I've experienced, and the realistic nihilism all my reason and knowledge points to...

Maybe the self, and my consciousness is simply not needed? That may be how it is, and as my sense of self slowly fades away with my indifference, even then, I can't really care. Always daydreaming, distracting, etc.

@LastLoveLetter Even now, esp considering the state you described, your writing's a decent quality, even better then mine. Rly know feel when you look at your past writings and feel totally alien.

Ah, I used to consider myself a writer too, but in truth, I was still shit. At some point, with that identity as "A writer", I saw it was only a delusion and dispelled it. Maybe that's a piece of me that's dead forever, but it's an event that's normal on the fenced path I'm on. It's often now that every word I communicate, each action, each feeling, each thought, etc, just feels wrong, fake, false, etc.

It really is insufferable.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Thank you all for responding. I could relate to parts of everyone's comments here. I wanted to reply individually but my brain is fried, so just wanted to acknowledge I've read every post and appreciate them all.

Even back when I first joined the site in 2021, I was still in an awful place but the cognitive decline since is absolutely staggering. Only made harder by the fact that LDN did work and alleviate some of my symptoms, for a time. But it was short-lived and now it's worse than ever.

I should have taken the plunge and drank my SN years ago (which was confiscated by authorities last year, so now don't have that option any longer).

 

[everyonesaniki]

I know exactly how you feel, I feel like the current me and me from even just 5 years ago when I graduated aren't even the same person. What I mean is that there is no continuity between my past and current self, it's normal for a person to change as time goes on but I don't feel like I have anything in common with the person I used to be. I recently found some of my old notebooks from university and high school and I started crying when I realized how miserable and hollow I've become. Friends from back then would always tell me that I would become a comedian, I was quick-witted and would always be found laughing no matter how good or bad things were and no matter what situation I was in. But now? I honestly don't remember the last time I've laughed. I've had hobbies, I was into woodworking but I haven't picked up a chisel in years.

Things have only gone downhill since that day, after graduating I was told that I had my whole life ahead of me, that I would get a good job because I had a useful degree. The reality? I've had to work dead end job to dead end job with no way to improve my situation. All menial work. Every day I come home in pain and have to take painkillers just to stop it, recently I've had to mix it with alcohol because I've become too tolerant to them. I've sacrificed my youth so I wouldn't suffer now and all I got is a big slap in the face. Ever since then I've completely withdrawn and I don't give a shit anymore, I've realized that even my family abandoned me which is why I want to CTB now.