Venting losing hope

[throwawaypink]

i dont know what to do anymore, ive been gone from this forum for a long time trying to get better. i saw bunch of dif therapists, tried bunch of dif meds, traveled, did things i used to enjoy,tried new hobbies, made new friends i did EVERYTHING and yet death never left my head. its all i can think about. i try to get rid of those thoughts by distracting myself or telling myself that i can get better and i will be fine but nothing is working. 24/7 im thinking about how i wish i was dead. when i go outside i pray a car hits me or a random crazy person stabs me. it feels so stupid. having so many failed attempts makes it even more unbelievable for me tht i will ever get to die. universe is playing a sick joke on me by giving me this weird luck of surviving and staying alive all the time but i dont want that :( i dont even know why im typing this here i just needed to get it off my chest i guess

 

[wisp]

If you have no reason to die, you only suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder. It is easy to curb with psychotropic drugs