Losing hope

[ilovecats]

I feel worse day by day and the following weeks are going to be very tough with lots to do. I can't take this any more. Teachers make fun of me for "becoming lazy" and make an example out of me saying that "talent is not enough". Furthermore, my co-workers are mad at me for not being productive enough and I risk getting fired so I have to work more to recuperate.

I feel like I'm not moving and just trying to find a reason to keep living, while everybody else just goes by without a care in the world. Why do I have to be trapped by my own reality? Why does nobody around me understand how I feel? Why can't I find a way out of this? Why can't I just ignore everything and move on? I wish everyday to get some kind of brain damage and completely lose self awareness and live like everybody else.

I know that every time I post on SaSu I just cry out like a wuss and that some people here may see me as annoying but venting feels like it's the only way for me get things off my chest. I tried today to talk to the only "friend" I have to which I talk only during school a few times a week. I couldn't get past saying that I'm tired as he started to joke around and imply that I have depression like it is something that proves that he is superior to me. He literally said "Oh, you're depressive!" and started laughing. It doesn't really hurt me, just reinforces my belief that the large majority of people on this planet lack empathy.

I have nothing pushing me from behind to keep living other that the thought of living a careless life, which I believe is extremely unlikely. I've already started doing some planning on how I would want to ctb just in case I get desperate enough. But I think that time might come sooner as I've been strugling even during free time and the single thought of the amount of work I'll have makes me want to give up. What's the point of even trying? What's the point of living if we are nothing to the universe and just a recourse to society? Dying now or later has no difference other than the amount of suffering.

Feel free to ignore this post.

 

[AllMyDreams]

It's more common for smart people to be depressed, yeah... also means you have a lot to offer though. It's totally normal not to know what your place is when you're in high school. High school in general is hell because you're stuck with the people around you. But later in life you can choose your college, your professors, have more options for friends, so hang in there. As for your friend, maybe he's not really a good friend, and you should find some better ones... or at least tell him that it's serious and to not joke about it, see how he reacts.

You are not annoying, it's usually better to tell someone how you're feeling than let depression boil up inside you, and for many people this forum is the only opportunity for that...

Have you sought professional help yet? Since you're young, you still have a lot of new things/ideas/people to experience and your brain has the potential to adapt.

 

[Pluto]

This sounds like an awful experience. Society is so obsessed with productivity that it reduces us to servants who must never question our assigned roles.

I suppose most people have enough positive experiences, hope for the future, sense of belonging or general enjoyment in life to handle it. I never did; all my attention for many years went towards gaining enough financial independence to disconnect from it all, as much as possible.

How long have you felt this way and what do you think caused it?

 

[ilovecats]

Have you sought professional help yet?

I'm currently putting some money aside for therapy. Just got out of an awful financial situation but therapy here is quite expensive.

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, ilovecats. I gotta say, that sounds pretty awful. I'm sorry that the people around you can't see that you're a human being, someone who's struggling and needs help, and instead choose to dismiss you as being lazy, riding on talent, or blithely calling you 'a depressive'. Even if the latter point might be true, using it as a dismissal, as though it's okay to invalidate your thoughts and feelings just because you're depressed, has got to be infuriating. Especially from a friend. And I know you said it doesn't really even hurt, but...I'll bet it does anyway. Pain takes many forms, and they're not always obvious at the time, or even years later.

As to why other people can't seem to understand, it's because they're only human. Most of them just don't get it, and many never will. It's very hard to recognize this kind of suffering when a person hasn't experienced it themselves. And, being honest, it's probably a more comfortable narrative to believe that someone is just lazy or unmotivated, rather than to accept that a seemingly normal individual, for no obvious or apparent reason, can hurt so much that it completely stifles their whole ability to live, function, or enjoy their life. Life is... easier, when you don't see that.

As to why you're stuck, unable to find a way out and unable to move on? Well...it's because you're human too. Wanting to be seen, wanting validation, feeling ignored and abandoned in the absence of real care and respect, these are all deeply innate human characteristics. So is getting frustrated and wanting to give up. And so is holding on. None of these things are different, unusual, or shameful in any way. They're just a natural response.

Do you know what else comes naturally to us? Internalizing things. When we're made to feel like our thoughts and feelings don't matter or are somehow invalid, when we're not listened to or maligned, at some point that idea gets inside of us, and we start to believe it ourselves. So when people treat us as annoying, or whiny, or a bother for long enough, we just naturally assume that everyone will see us this way. Even when we should know better. Even when we're in a place where by all rights anyone should understand and empathize. I can confidently state that these people here will not see you that way.

As for reasons to go on...well, that's a little more complicated. Because you're right: the universe does not care. It never has, and it never will. Society, also, by and large, does not care. It can care in the abstract, parts of it, if enough people really want to support a particular group or idea. But it can never care about you personally, directly. Tangibly.

But we don't live for the universe, and most of us don't live for society at large. Generally speaking, we tend to live for other people. Those few people who matter, the ones who believe in and support us, who are relevant in our daily lives. And when you don't have people like that, it's very easy to see why seeking a way out would be so compelling. It's incredibly empty, meaningless, and lonely, trying to make it through life on your own. Almost all the good stuff, the things that are actually worth existing for and mmuddling through all of the other bullshit, comes from having people like that.

I know that you said you're looking i to ways to ctb just in case, and if you need to have a way out, whether you're serious about actually pursuing it right now or just as a backup plan, then of course do whatever it is you need to do to put your options on the table. But the way you talk about it, as a 'just in case', makes me feel like at least a part of you still wants to hold on. Or at least, that it would want to hold on, if it could seriously believe in the possibility of a better state of being, one that isn't just an unbroken stretch of suffering. If that's an option that you could see yourself wanting to consider, find those people. The ones who wwon't invalidate you, tell you you're just feeling depressed and things will get better, or expect you to somehow pull yourself together and 'be better' without offering any actual human compassion or aid along the way. You can start here. These people, they 'get' it. The people who frequent this place, most of them understand. You can talk to them, and they won't mock or make fun of you. And if you ultimately decide that you need a way out and you don't want to go on...they can talk you through that too.

Whatever struggles come your way over the next few days and weeks, I hope you're able to find something or someone that makes going through all the hard stuff a little easier.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it's so awful how people can be insensitive and disrespectful towards those who suffer. That's why I believe that it's best not to open up to others at all, as many people won't even try to understand and I believe that people usually don't care about the suffering of others anyway. And by the way there is nothing wrong with venting, I don't really see it as being annoying at all. But it does sound tiring what you have to go through and it's understandable wanting to be free from it all. I wish you the best.

 

[AngryDog]

I feel worse day by day and the following weeks are going to be very tough with lots to do. I can't take this any more. Teachers make fun of me for "becoming lazy" and make an example out of me saying that "talent is not enough". Furthermore, my co-workers are mad at me for not being productive enough and I risk getting fired so I have to work more to recuperate.

I feel like I'm not moving and just trying to find a reason to keep living, while everybody else just goes by without a care in the world. Why do I have to be trapped by my own reality? Why does nobody around me understand how I feel? Why can't I find a way out of this? Why can't I just ignore everything and move on? I wish everyday to get some kind of brain damage and completely lose self awareness and live like everybody else.

I know that every time I post on SaSu I just cry out like a wuss and that some people here may see me as annoying but venting feels like it's the only way for me get things off my chest. I tried today to talk to the only "friend" I have to which I talk only during school a few times a week. I couldn't get past saying that I'm tired as he started to joke around and imply that I have depression like it is something that proves that he is superior to me. He literally said "Oh, you're depressive!" and started laughing. It doesn't really hurt me, just reinforces my belief that the large majority of people on this planet lack empathy.

I have nothing pushing me from behind to keep living other that the thought of living a careless life, which I believe is extremely unlikely. I've already started doing some planning on how I would want to ctb just in case I get desperate enough. But I think that time might come sooner as I've been strugling even during free time and the single thought of the amount of work I'll have makes me want to give up. What's the point of even trying? What's the point of living if we are nothing to the universe and just a recourse to society? Dying now or later has no difference other than the amount of suffering.

Feel free to ignore this post.

That really sounds like an awful and stressful time. There's no shame in needing assistance, especially when you're going through a depression and/or anxiety. Since you find comfort in venting, I think that therapy would help you.

As far as reasons to live goes, I don't think I can give you one, but I would look into things you enjoy for yourself and forget about what the others might think. People can be real assholes at times but you are not alone.

I wish you the best. Good luck with your job and studies!

 

[ilovecats]

How long have you felt this way and what do you think caused it?

I've been feeling helpless for months now. Suicide has been on my mind for many years but not as much as it is now. As for the reasons, I think it's just because of an unpleasant chain of events and the fact that I'm still searching for a reason to keep living.

 

[MoonlitNight]

I feel worse day by day and the following weeks are going to be very tough with lots to do. I can't take this any more. Teachers make fun of me for "becoming lazy" and make an example out of me saying that "talent is not enough". Furthermore, my co-workers are mad at me for not being productive enough and I risk getting fired so I have to work more to recuperate.

I feel like I'm not moving and just trying to find a reason to keep living, while everybody else just goes by without a care in the world. Why do I have to be trapped by my own reality? Why does nobody around me understand how I feel? Why can't I find a way out of this? Why can't I just ignore everything and move on? I wish everyday to get some kind of brain damage and completely lose self awareness and live like everybody else.

I know that every time I post on SaSu I just cry out like a wuss and that some people here may see me as annoying but venting feels like it's the only way for me get things off my chest. I tried today to talk to the only "friend" I have to which I talk only during school a few times a week. I couldn't get past saying that I'm tired as he started to joke around and imply that I have depression like it is something that proves that he is superior to me. He literally said "Oh, you're depressive!" and started laughing. It doesn't really hurt me, just reinforces my belief that the large majority of people on this planet lack empathy.

I have nothing pushing me from behind to keep living other that the thought of living a careless life, which I believe is extremely unlikely. I've already started doing some planning on how I would want to ctb just in case I get desperate enough. But I think that time might come sooner as I've been strugling even during free time and the single thought of the amount of work I'll have makes me want to give up. What's the point of even trying? What's the point of living if we are nothing to the universe and just a recourse to society? Dying now or later has no difference other than the amount of suffering.

Feel free to ignore this post.

This is really hard to take in after reading about the workload in the medical life you've laid out for yourself. Maybe a way to help you motivate yourself slowly is by setting goals and rewards. I know it's really hard in the complication of the major you should so the reward could be as big as the amount of work you put. The thought of living a carefree life sounds really nice.

Please do inform me if i have any flaws in my insight, it would help me see from a new angle. Best of luck and hope you'll be able to find some form of motivation and validation to yourself. Feel free to cry out here 'like a wuss' because this is the best option when you dont have the right support.

 

[HybridSpectre]

I also don't have any friends who would understand me if I tried telling them that I'm tired of life. They'd probably look at me with eyes full of astonishment and disbelief, "You ?! The overachiever we've always known." Yeah, I've always been successful in my studies, acing tests with A's, until in recent years in college when I started to question the purpose of my existence. Trying hard everyday to find a reason for living, but found none, apart from the far-fetched idea that life's all about being happy and contented, which is what I've been aiming for ever since. But if life were fair or perfect, I wouldn't be where I am. But even this idea wasn't the answer, I grow uneasy and hopeless with every passing day, my dreams out of my reach because of economic inequality. I risk being a college dropout, not because of financial issues and not because the course is hard, but because I don't see any sense in living. I've lost hope of a better life, just barely hanging by. I have my ctb method ready, but I keep postponing it everyday.

@Seven_Threads_Twine, absolutely love your explanation of life. You've managed to put my deep-seated thoughts and emotions into words, which has been quite hard for me.

Maybe a way to help you motivate yourself slowly is by setting goals and rewards.

I once did this extensively, but wasn't any good. I'd end up feeling like shit when I missed a goal. I had a tendency to be overly ambitious with my goals. As a result, I failed achieving many of them. In the end felt worse off than before. Just don't overdo it.