Losing hope for ctb

[nothellwithcats]

Why is it so hard to find a way to ctb when you live with other people?
I can't do anything in the house because they would find me, and I can't put that on them.
But there's nowhere around here I could go to do anything.
I've thought about booking a hotel for a night and doing it there. That would still be bad for someone, but at least not someone I know and care about.
I got kicked out by my abusive grandad in January and have been living with friends since, but they need me to leave now, and I have to go move in with my dad and his new family (partner, three children under 15). I'm terrified about doing this because he's never really seemed to care about me, he's liked his new family so much more than he ever liked me, and because I don't know how I'll manage to be around the kids full time with my ptsd.
In the time I've been with my friends, my eating disorder has gotten worse (bc of my anxiety and ptsd), and I've been drinking almost every day for the past 4-5 months. I'm moving in with my dad in two days and will suddenly HAVE to eat proper meals every day, and I won't be able to drink at all. I'm so scared to do any of this, especially with how suicidal I've been this year. I've always been suicidal, but this year it's been so much more.
I've spent a large part of the last week doing research to try and find a way I can do this before I have to move, but it seems so impossible and unobtainable.
I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want anyone else getting close or attached to me.
My friend's brother is a drug dealer with a lot of connections and I've considered asking him about getting something, but I'm worried he would tell my friend...
I really just don't know what to do anymore. I'm starting to lose hope that I'll ever find a way...

 

[logan]

This is really a sad story.

But I think if you manage to stay away from alcohol and drugs you have a chance to make something out of your life!

It will be a hard way - but it is also a chance ...

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

I know that fear what you feel because eating... I have eating disorder too and sometimes I was ready to die when I heard that I need to eat somewhere. I was in hospital because that and I cried after every meal what I eat. I didn't know how I could live with anxiety without controlling my eating... Now I know, but can't use those.

I'm also in same situation now, where seems that I can't ctb because my family. I couldn't even order SN because them. Now I probably found a way to do it, but there is so many things what could go wrong...

I don't know what to say, but I understand how you feel and I hope everything is going to be ok.

 

[FuneralCry]

Sorry to hear you are suffering, living really can be painful. I also live with other people and that holds me back, as I do not want to be found too early. I wish you well.

 

[nothellwithcats]

This is really a sad story.

But I think if you manage to stay away from alcohol and drugs you have a chance to make something out of your life!

It will be a hard way - but it is also a chance ...

I only started drinking this year. Not excessively, just as a way to cope with trauma.
I've been trying so hard for my whole life to make things work out and they're never going to. That's the main thing I've realised this year.
I don't want to do this any more. I've never wanted it. I just want to find a way for everything to end.

I know that fear what you feel because eating... I have eating disorder too and sometimes I was ready to die when I heard that I need to eat somewhere. I was in hospital because that and I cried after every meal what I eat. I didn't know how I could live with anxiety without controlling my eating... Now I know, but can't use those.

I'm also in same situation now, where seems that I can't ctb because my family. I couldn't even order SN because them. Now I probably found a way to do it, but there is so many things what could go wrong...

I don't know what to say, but I understand how you feel and I hope everything is going to be ok.

I'm sorry your ED was so bad.
Mine isn't about not wanting to eat, more that it gets to a point where I feel like I physically can't.
I wish you the best of luck however you move forward.

I don't know. I just feel like there's nothing left to try to make things better, and I'm so limited for options the other way.
It's never going to be okay.
And the thing is, I'm going to live with someone who doesn't care. He pretends to for the sake of those around him, but realistically he doesn't. When he was told I was suicidal and self-harming in high school, his response was usually to brush it off and ignore it, and one time he made jokes about it for a few days before acting like nothing had happened.
It was his dad I lived with for almost two years where I wasn't allowed in the kitchen, was getting yelled and and blamed and called all sorts of things, and in the last few months I was there I wasn't allowed in the shower either.
My dad knew this and did nothing. And when I did finally leave (after my grandad told me to when he lost his shit one day) my dad spent several weeks where the only times he would talk to me were to tell me I should go back.
I lived with my dad up until I went to my grandad's and he would ignore me and tell me to piss off. He left to go get a house with his new partner and her kids, and he's been so good with them. It seemed like he didn't know how to be a parent but they've proven that's not true, it's just me.
He's saying I'm welcome there but he never makes an effort to see me and I know he doesn't really want me there.
I don't want the kids to get attached to me because they really like me, and I don't want to be a bad influence (not that I really would be).
I just feel like everyone would be better off if I didn't go there in the first place.
I'm running out of time though and I still don't know what I can do.

Last night I thought about putting something around my neck before I went to sleep in hopes I would catch it wrong, but I realised if I was going to do that it would be the same as doing it properly and I may as well just do it if I was going to do that. But I can't.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

I only started drinking this year. Not excessively, just as a way to cope with trauma.
I've been trying so hard for my whole life to make things work out and they're never going to. That's the main thing I've realised this year.
I don't want to do this any more. I've never wanted it. I just want to find a way for everything to end.


I'm sorry your ED was so bad.
Mine isn't about not wanting to eat, more that it gets to a point where I feel like I physically can't.
I wish you the best of luck however you move forward.

I don't know. I just feel like there's nothing left to try to make things better, and I'm so limited for options the other way.
It's never going to be okay.
And the thing is, I'm going to live with someone who doesn't care. He pretends to for the sake of those around him, but realistically he doesn't. When he was told I was suicidal and self-harming in high school, his response was usually to brush it off and ignore it, and one time he made jokes about it for a few days before acting like nothing had happened.
It was his dad I lived with for almost two years where I wasn't allowed in the kitchen, was getting yelled and and blamed and called all sorts of things, and in the last few months I was there I wasn't allowed in the shower either.
My dad knew this and did nothing. And when I did finally leave (after my grandad told me to when he lost his shit one day) my dad spent several weeks where the only times he would talk to me were to tell me I should go back.
I lived with my dad up until I went to my grandad's and he would ignore me and tell me to piss off. He left to go get a house with his new partner and her kids, and he's been so good with them. It seemed like he didn't know how to be a parent but they've proven that's not true, it's just me.
He's saying I'm welcome there but he never makes an effort to see me and I know he doesn't really want me there.
I don't want the kids to get attached to me because they really like me, and I don't want to be a bad influence (not that I really would be).
I just feel like everyone would be better off if I didn't go there in the first place.
I'm running out of time though and I still don't know what I can do.

Last night I thought about putting something around my neck before I went to sleep in hopes I would catch it wrong, but I realised if I was going to do that it would be the same as doing it properly and I may as well just do it if I was going to do that. But I can't.

yeah your eating disorder it's dirrefent than mine, but after all it's difficult thing still..
I had mother who was angry and made a threat after seeing my cutting that if I didn't stop she would put me in a mental hospital. That when parents act like that and you dont get any support from them... And if you see, that they is better to your siblings, that hurts. i know. My brothers have always been better than me. So i can understand why you dont feel good to go there. If you feel like you want, you can always sent message to me and I listen.

 

[overcomingfear]

I don't want the kids to get attached to me because they really like me, and I don't want to be a bad influence (not that I really would be).
I just feel like everyone would be better off if I didn't go there in the first place.

worry about yourself first. dont fucking think about everyone, they'll manage. get ur confidence up, you're as much of a human as them. Uncaring dad is better than an abusive granddad. ctb in a hurry is not gonna be good, don't do it, you're gonna injure youself and be in a worse place. lower ur alcohol drinking, sneak in drinks when u really have to drink. good luck in a new place, give it a try, its not a torture chamber you're going into

 

[nothellwithcats]

I've been fixating on this website all week and it's destroying me. As if that wouldn't happen enough on its own.
I'm going to try and block access to the site on my laptop so I can't look at it anymore.
I'm sorry.