Sleeper System
Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z
- May 5, 2022
- 824
It's been a few months since I last posted. I find it comforting that when things get bad or I start to sense the old feelings coming up again that I have place to go and channel these thoughts. People here to tend to listen and sometimes that is more than enough. So if you are taking the time to read this, thank you.
Since my last mental collapse, I've been keeping busy with the things that distract me the most. You can bet your bottom dollar that none of those things are healthy or productive. Never the less, It's kept me from being completely miserable. Working my low paying job to survive. Consuming all the media I can to kill time until sleep. Eating everything in sight. Etc.
The reason I decided to write tonight was because my own mental weakness became clear to me again and I wanted to address it. I get supremely depressed and sad when major changes in my life are on the horizon. I felt that this week when my job nearly coerced me into changing my schedule to an earlier time and switching my department. It was my choice and even though I was firmly against it, they managed to convince me to give it a try. The department is miserable and annoying and I knew how I felt about it but out of respect I said I'd give it a shot. Long story short I didn't even last 2 hours before I said fuck that shit and told my boss sorry can't do it. No way. I feel kinda bad but no just the idea of being some place I don't want to be changed my brain chemistry and mood back to when I go deep into the hole of self pity and depression.
I got myself out of the situation much to everyone being upset but I simply informed them that I made it clear from the jump I was not into it so they couldn't really say anything. The next day I was off so I go back in tomorrow and will probably have to hear some bullshit from certain people but rather that then be forced to do something I don't want.
All this internal drama over a shitty job in the first place. Whatever.
Back to my equally shitty regularly scheduled programming.
Two things I want to leave you with that make me feel better.
1. The pursuit of happiness is always a good goal to aspire to reach. You should never let yourself think that you are unhappy. Just less happy than you want to be. If you have food, shelter, clothes, love, and a purpose then you are ok for now.
2. I am truelly thankful to have the luxury of being depressed. Some may not understand this but not everyone can afford to indulge in these points of self reflection. I am convinced that I know the cure for suicidal ideation and it's rather simple but it's one of those paradoxes where in by revealing the method you risk undo it simultaneously. Guess it makes it useless actually.
Since my last mental collapse, I've been keeping busy with the things that distract me the most. You can bet your bottom dollar that none of those things are healthy or productive. Never the less, It's kept me from being completely miserable. Working my low paying job to survive. Consuming all the media I can to kill time until sleep. Eating everything in sight. Etc.
The reason I decided to write tonight was because my own mental weakness became clear to me again and I wanted to address it. I get supremely depressed and sad when major changes in my life are on the horizon. I felt that this week when my job nearly coerced me into changing my schedule to an earlier time and switching my department. It was my choice and even though I was firmly against it, they managed to convince me to give it a try. The department is miserable and annoying and I knew how I felt about it but out of respect I said I'd give it a shot. Long story short I didn't even last 2 hours before I said fuck that shit and told my boss sorry can't do it. No way. I feel kinda bad but no just the idea of being some place I don't want to be changed my brain chemistry and mood back to when I go deep into the hole of self pity and depression.
I got myself out of the situation much to everyone being upset but I simply informed them that I made it clear from the jump I was not into it so they couldn't really say anything. The next day I was off so I go back in tomorrow and will probably have to hear some bullshit from certain people but rather that then be forced to do something I don't want.
All this internal drama over a shitty job in the first place. Whatever.
Back to my equally shitty regularly scheduled programming.
Two things I want to leave you with that make me feel better.
1. The pursuit of happiness is always a good goal to aspire to reach. You should never let yourself think that you are unhappy. Just less happy than you want to be. If you have food, shelter, clothes, love, and a purpose then you are ok for now.
2. I am truelly thankful to have the luxury of being depressed. Some may not understand this but not everyone can afford to indulge in these points of self reflection. I am convinced that I know the cure for suicidal ideation and it's rather simple but it's one of those paradoxes where in by revealing the method you risk undo it simultaneously. Guess it makes it useless actually.
