Suicune
New Member
- Oct 24, 2023
- 2
Hi SS community,
I'd say I hope you're all well, but obviously none of us would be here if that were the case. But I hope you're all able to find peace, in whatever form that comes.
This community, despite my misgivings about certain aspects of it, has been an invaluable resource for me over the last few months. That's why I wanted to post my thoughts here today, to get your thoughts and support, ahead of what might well be my last few days.
Over the last year, and particularly the last few months, my life has been taken over by a miserable form of OCD that's destroyed my entire life. Despite various anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, numerous therapists and all the exposure therapy in the world, it only seems to be getting worse. I really can't see it getting better, and my life lies mostly in ruins. Out of paranoia and shame, I've cut myself off everyone who previously gave meaning to my life before, work entirely remotely, and lead an insular, isolated existence. I used to love my life and connections to others, but this has destroyed me and I really can't see another way out.
Originally, I'd planned to go somewhere miles from home, where I hoped to work up courage to take a 1,000 foot plus drop into the ocean. Of course, the paranoia that plagues me daily prevented me from reaching that destination - I barely made it halfway before I ran off the train in a state of mental collapse. You can never know how distraught I was that I couldn't make it there. I spent two days locked in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere, terrified to even go outside. As usual, it was two days of pure misery and terror, before a late-night train ride home that also basically broke me. But all that just reminded me why I need to do this.
Regrettably, that's why I'm now planning to jump somewhere much closer to home, a meager c.140 foot drop into water from a local bridge. I know this isn't an optimal height, and jumping isn't generally preferred (given the massive survival instinct response). I did look into other methods, but I really can't do it in the flat (unfair on my landlord / future tenants) and jumping is about all I can manage in public. And given my condition totally prevents travelling long distances, this is unfortunately the best I can do.
However, this bridge sadly sees numerous suicides each year, so (if it worked for them) I'm hoping it'll work for me too. I plan to get the train to the nearest station late at night, drink a little for courage (as I sadly have through most of my life), then walk onto the bridge and fall head-first before I have much time to reconsider. What terrifies me most is surviving and being injured irreversibly, or being apprehended in the process. But I hope landing on my head will do the job quickly, and as little time on the bridge as possible will prevent me being seen and 'saved'.
I'm of course conscious of the impact this decision will have on those in my life, and I'd much prefer my body isn't discovered by an unsuspecting member of the public. That's why, in the hope it will help, I've done the below:
I'd appreciate your thoughts on any of aspect of this plan, but also any messages at all in this trying time. If I don't reply after the next day or two, you can safely assume I overcame survival instinct and jumped - wherever that leads.
Lots of love,
Suicune
I'd say I hope you're all well, but obviously none of us would be here if that were the case. But I hope you're all able to find peace, in whatever form that comes.
This community, despite my misgivings about certain aspects of it, has been an invaluable resource for me over the last few months. That's why I wanted to post my thoughts here today, to get your thoughts and support, ahead of what might well be my last few days.
Over the last year, and particularly the last few months, my life has been taken over by a miserable form of OCD that's destroyed my entire life. Despite various anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, numerous therapists and all the exposure therapy in the world, it only seems to be getting worse. I really can't see it getting better, and my life lies mostly in ruins. Out of paranoia and shame, I've cut myself off everyone who previously gave meaning to my life before, work entirely remotely, and lead an insular, isolated existence. I used to love my life and connections to others, but this has destroyed me and I really can't see another way out.
Originally, I'd planned to go somewhere miles from home, where I hoped to work up courage to take a 1,000 foot plus drop into the ocean. Of course, the paranoia that plagues me daily prevented me from reaching that destination - I barely made it halfway before I ran off the train in a state of mental collapse. You can never know how distraught I was that I couldn't make it there. I spent two days locked in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere, terrified to even go outside. As usual, it was two days of pure misery and terror, before a late-night train ride home that also basically broke me. But all that just reminded me why I need to do this.
Regrettably, that's why I'm now planning to jump somewhere much closer to home, a meager c.140 foot drop into water from a local bridge. I know this isn't an optimal height, and jumping isn't generally preferred (given the massive survival instinct response). I did look into other methods, but I really can't do it in the flat (unfair on my landlord / future tenants) and jumping is about all I can manage in public. And given my condition totally prevents travelling long distances, this is unfortunately the best I can do.
However, this bridge sadly sees numerous suicides each year, so (if it worked for them) I'm hoping it'll work for me too. I plan to get the train to the nearest station late at night, drink a little for courage (as I sadly have through most of my life), then walk onto the bridge and fall head-first before I have much time to reconsider. What terrifies me most is surviving and being injured irreversibly, or being apprehended in the process. But I hope landing on my head will do the job quickly, and as little time on the bridge as possible will prevent me being seen and 'saved'.
I'm of course conscious of the impact this decision will have on those in my life, and I'd much prefer my body isn't discovered by an unsuspecting member of the public. That's why, in the hope it will help, I've done the below:
- Written extensive notes for my family and friends, explaining my decision, in a public Google Drive folder.
- Left a short note on my living room table, providing a link to said Google Drive.
- Left a key under my doormat, for access to the flat.
- Scheduled a text to the police, set to send after I've fallen. This message includes:
- A brief explanation of what happened, so they can be on lookout for a body in the area.
- A link to the Google Drive, with instructions to share the entire folder with my Mum and handover note to my employers.
- Practical information for identifying me and access to the flat.
I'd appreciate your thoughts on any of aspect of this plan, but also any messages at all in this trying time. If I don't reply after the next day or two, you can safely assume I overcame survival instinct and jumped - wherever that leads.
Lots of love,
Suicune
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