I'm with you.
I don't think of myself as depressed. Maybe I do have some depressing feelings here and there but it's the results and not the cause for me being suicidal.
I believe I have a pretty good life. Good supporting family (even if we fight every other day), always had the important things and beyond. I'm physically pretty good as well and overall I could pursue whatever I could want in life.
I'm suicidal because A- I can't enjoy this "perfect life" and B- I have a physical anxiety.
I live from second to second. I don't care if I just finished a 100km bike ride, helped my family, heard a joke.. a second later it's behind me. I watch a comedy show and I can cry from laughter and a second later my face goes back to being straight. So.. I don't have a reason to do anything for myself. I love the idea of riding the entire length of my country and I actually paid a few thousands to buy gear for the trip but I just can't go out the door because I know I wouldn't enjoy it. I love the idea of drawing and I got myself the best tools for the job but I just can't commit to it.
For the anxiety part it's means it's hard for me to being with people. In my brain I'm completely fine but I get these "physical panic attacks" and it might cause me to mumble, tight throat and chest, breathing can be hard… so - I don't enjoy anything and when I still try then I might get the anxiety. The conclusion is - there's no point. I simply have no reason to stay here. Even if I had a magic wand I still can't think of one thing I might do for myself other then die peacefully.
The issue is I don't have anything to push me to take my life. Even if I might feel pretty bad some days it doesn't stay for long because "it's behind me". I have a relaxed life and I don't have any obligations so I'm basically a plant, waiting to die…
Maybe I do have some depressing feelings here and there but it's the results and not the cause for me being suicidal.
I like the way you put that. I think I get that as well (if I understood you correctly), as I feel like because of the fact that I'm so open to suicide, any time I'm confronted with a stressor of some kind (illness, injury, anxiety, stuff I don't want to deal with, etc..), rather than just being annoyed/frustrated/bored like a normal person, it very easily turns into "There's no reason for this discomfort — if I committed suicide this wouldn't be a problem", and then those negative feelings get mixed with that idea and form just a general "ugh, life sucks, I wish I was dead" sort of mood. Though like you said, it's more of a "here and there" sort of thing, and it helps that I feel like I'm pretty good about keeping an attitude of "hey, is this negative thinking helping me? Maybe it would if I was going to commit suicide (since it might help me get to an emotional place where it'd be easier to do), but as long as I'm staying alive and not actively planning on suicide any time soon, it only makes sense for me to think in ways that are gonna reduce my discomfort, so I'm gonna change my thinking from 'life sucks, I wish I was dead' to 'what's the best thing I can do to fix this'". I feel like I used to be somewhat depressed before, but after I adopted that mindset, I feel like while I'm not exactly content with life, I don't think I really have any problems with overly long negative moods.
(I also really appreciated everything else you had to say, it was just that first part that I felt like I could respond and add to in some meaningful way)
