(looking for advice) Someone I feel intensely for is coming back, and it's triggering some uncomfortable feelings for me

[per_aspera_ad_astra]

I'll start out with a bit of history to give context to the situation. A while back I developed feelings for someone I couldn't pursue in a university/professional setting. I am prone to obsessive "limerence" type romantic feelings, and this continued for a few years. I ended up getting into a situation where I would work with this person on a project for the past year, and working with them was like an emotional roller coaster for me. They made me intensely happy to be with them, but they also triggered some of my suicidal impulses. My intense feelings for them actually contributed to a suicide attempt once in the past. I discussed some of my experiences with suicidal ideation with them, and they provided support in the general professional way of suggesting counseling and whatnot, but it was still a fairly intimate thing to share I believe. Anyway, we continued working together, and once the end of the school year came around, they said goodbye (they had informed me that they would be leaving a few weeks prior). I decided that since I probably won't be seeing them again, I might as well just confess my romantic feelings as an explanation for why I got so attached to them in an apology email (I also included some stuff about how I was hoping to move on from them now that they'd be gone), and they replied that revealing those feelings was inappropriate in a professional setting. That was the last real conversation I had with them.


I convinced myself that since we probably weren't going to see each other again, I now had a chance to move on from them. Essentially, the possibility of ever being in contact with them again was no longer a concern. Then it came out that they're going to be coming back. The school in question is fairly small, so the chance of encountering them is a big issue (not to mention we're in the same academic department). There's a big part of me that wants to continue working with them since they'll be around (even without the romantic feelings, the work I did with them was really important to me and helped me develop intellectually), but I'm worried about some things: 1) working with them again will feed into my obsessive feelings 2) they won't want to work with me since they could've been put off by my confession and previous conversations. With the latter point, I'm especially worried that a potential rejection could trigger me to attempt suicide again impulsively.


I'm at a loss of what to do in this situation. I can't exactly avoid them but the thought of not being around them is painful now that I know they'll be nearby, so I'm tempted to reach out. But I don't know what'll happen if they turn me down or if approaching them again is even a good idea. I also kind of trapped myself by saying I hoped to move on from them while now harboring a desire to continue working with them.

 

[whatevs]

Hmm overall it seems from the outside that what you ought to do is do whatever you can to avoid this person, especially after the formal type of rejection you were given when you confessed your feelings. Even if you are forced to mingle, speak only the necessary.

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, aspera. It sounds like you've found yourself in a bit of a quandary here. I wish I had an easy answer for you, but if I were in your circumstances, I'd be as stumped as you are. I can say that few things are as confounding, or subtly painful, as just wanting the company or acknowledgement of another person that you care about, and being made to feel like you're doing something wrong by simply feeling it.

I honestly don't know what would be truly appropriate in this situation, but I do believe that nothing is going to get resolved without some form of input from this other person. That said, directly asking for that input may not be the best idea, given your history and what happened after your last interaction. It may be that your best move is simply to observe for a little while, and see how this person reacts to your presence. If they seem interested in being social in any way, shape or form, it may be your cue to ask them about their boundaries and what they are and are not okay with in a social context. And if they avoid you, or don't seem interested in any social interaction when you come across them, perhaps that's your sign that it's best just to let things lie.

In either case, I am fairly certain that you're going to feel like there's something wrong with you, and that you messed up somehow. Don't. Regardless of how you're probably going to feel about the situation in the moment, human emotions are difficult and complex, especially when they involve other people. And while it's easy to talk about what is and is not appropriate in certain professional contexts, those emotions are still felt and ultimately need to be dealt with, and they do not acknowledge propriety. Even in a professional academic environment, you're still a human person, and any companion worth their salt should be able to recognize that and respond accordingly. That doesn't mean they need to accept your advances or agree to be in your company, but there are more empathic and human ways to shut someone down than just 'that isn't professional', and that kind of empathy is something you deserve. From yourself, at least, if you can't get it anywhere else.

Finally, regardless of how things play out, you're probably going to need some human company to air your thoughts and emotions. The presence of another person can go a long way towards managing the kinds of shame and humiliation that can arise out of trying to navigate these sorts of circumstances. Whatever happens, can you reach out and keep us filled in? If nothing else, we can commiserate and try to help you navigate your options as they open up.

Wishing you the best, and, seriously, good luck.

 

[Linda]

I'll start out with a bit of history to give context to the situation. A while back I developed feelings for someone I couldn't pursue in a university/professional setting. I am prone to obsessive "limerence" type romantic feelings, and this continued for a few years. I ended up getting into a situation where I would work with this person on a project for the past year, and working with them was like an emotional roller coaster for me. They made me intensely happy to be with them, but they also triggered some of my suicidal impulses. My intense feelings for them actually contributed to a suicide attempt once in the past. I discussed some of my experiences with suicidal ideation with them, and they provided support in the general professional way of suggesting counseling and whatnot, but it was still a fairly intimate thing to share I believe. Anyway, we continued working together, and once the end of the school year came around, they said goodbye (they had informed me that they would be leaving a few weeks prior). I decided that since I probably won't be seeing them again, I might as well just confess my romantic feelings as an explanation for why I got so attached to them in an apology email (I also included some stuff about how I was hoping to move on from them now that they'd be gone), and they replied that revealing those feelings was inappropriate in a professional setting. That was the last real conversation I had with them.


I convinced myself that since we probably weren't going to see each other again, I now had a chance to move on from them. Essentially, the possibility of ever being in contact with them again was no longer a concern. Then it came out that they're going to be coming back. The school in question is fairly small, so the chance of encountering them is a big issue (not to mention we're in the same academic department). There's a big part of me that wants to continue working with them since they'll be around (even without the romantic feelings, the work I did with them was really important to me and helped me develop intellectually), but I'm worried about some things: 1) working with them again will feed into my obsessive feelings 2) they won't want to work with me since they could've been put off by my confession and previous conversations. With the latter point, I'm especially worried that a potential rejection could trigger me to attempt suicide again impulsively.


I'm at a loss of what to do in this situation. I can't exactly avoid them but the thought of not being around them is painful now that I know they'll be nearby, so I'm tempted to reach out. But I don't know what'll happen if they turn me down or if approaching them again is even a good idea. I also kind of trapped myself by saying I hoped to move on from them while now harboring a desire to continue working with them.

If you are not able to move on emotionally, then I think you need to separate yourself physically from this person, even if it means finding another job.

 

[per_aspera_ad_astra]

Hey there, aspera. It sounds like you've found yourself in a bit of a quandary here. I wish I had an easy answer for you, but if I were in your circumstances, I'd be as stumped as you are. I can say that few things are as confounding, or subtly painful, as just wanting the company or acknowledgement of another person that you care about, and being made to feel like you're doing something wrong by simply feeling it.

I honestly don't know what would be truly appropriate in this situation, but I do believe that nothing is going to get resolved without some form of input from this other person. That said, directly asking for that input may not be the best idea, given your history and what happened after your last interaction. It may be that your best move is simply to observe for a little while, and see how this person reacts to your presence. If they seem interested in being social in any way, shape or form, it may be your cue to ask them about their boundaries and what they are and are not okay with in a social context. And if they avoid you, or don't seem interested in any social interaction when you come across them, perhaps that's your sign that it's best just to let things lie.

In either case, I am fairly certain that you're going to feel like there's something wrong with you, and that you messed up somehow. Don't. Regardless of how you're probably going to feel about the situation in the moment, human emotions are difficult and complex, especially when they involve other people. And while it's easy to talk about what is and is not appropriate in certain professional contexts, those emotions are still felt and ultimately need to be dealt with, and they do not acknowledge propriety. Even in a professional academic environment, you're still a human person, and any companion worth their salt should be able to recognize that and respond accordingly. That doesn't mean they need to accept your advances or agree to be in your company, but there are more empathic and human ways to shut someone down than just 'that isn't professional', and that kind of empathy is something you deserve. From yourself, at least, if you can't get it anywhere else.

Finally, regardless of how things play out, you're probably going to need some human company to air your thoughts and emotions. The presence of another person can go a long way towards managing the kinds of shame and humiliation that can arise out of trying to navigate these sorts of circumstances. Whatever happens, can you reach out and keep us filled in? If nothing else, we can commiserate and try to help you navigate your options as they open up.

Wishing you the best, and, seriously, good luck.

In terms of keeping you filled in, it will be a few months (until late August) until I'll be back at the university again. If I need more advice, it'll be a while until I get back to you.

 

[Seven Threads]

In terms of keeping you filled in, it will be a few months (until late August) until I'll be back at the university again. If I need more advice, it'll be a while until I get back to you.

That's fine! Mostly I just don't want you to end up isolated if you find yourself in a depressive episode. Just do what you can to keep yourself together until then.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I've been through this too. I feel too much and love too much.
I was feeling the same way that you do about about a girl at work.
She utterly consumed every part of my being.
In the end, I had to give up my job and stay well away from her.
The love I felt for her was too overwhelming.
I ended up in a psych ward because I wanted to die due to unrequited love.