I've made some many choices in my life, some good and some bad. Among them, some of the worst ones have been the way I have treated my wife. I'll give you a short description, and then I will ask my question.
I am 29, my wife and I have been together for 9 years, and married for four. I am a high functioning, autistic individual. My wife has depression, and anxiety. Most, if not all of our issues, fights, etc. stem from my misuse of money. My extreme inability to stop myself from making poor decisions. Whether that being games, subscriptions, porn addiction, anger issues, lack of self control, marijuana addiction, and an in general surplus of impulsivity... As my wife said during our talk this past Sunday, even if I eliminate one of my issues, another one arises.
That being said, I have so far eliminated my addiction to marijuana, I have cut out the phone games that I spent all my money on. I have stopped watching porn/ masterbation, and made an effort to be as sensual, and caring to my wife's needs as possible. As of late, I have given up all access to our bank account/ funds, and I have eliminated my social media usage, as I fear that leads to negative things as well. (Facebook, Instagram)
My wife looked through my phone Sunday morning, and found that I had been sending twitch subscriptions to a female streamer, that uses a lewd animated character instead of showing herself. Not unlike things I have done in the past, but still, it hurt my wife deep.
That's when my wife told me that she feels "numb" when she thinks of our marriage, and has for quite some time. She said that she needs to be happy, and that she deserves better. She is correct, I agree with her.
When she told me these things(as she has in the past, just in a different fashion, not as harsh) I did not grow angry with her at I have in the past. In that moment, all my past transgressions against her and the sanctuary of our marriage flooded my brain. I agreed with her. I agreed, and said that I understood where she was coming from, and why she was feeling this way. I then broke down, as images and thoughts of her leaving me forever ensnared my brain. I was a blubbering mess, even though she consoled me in that moment, saying that everything is okay, that I'm safe, and that all hope is not lost. I begged her for one last chance, saying that I could change, and she agreed to it. Even after she went to sleep, and I was to clean the remainder of the house, I remained sobbing over my ruined marriage, by my own hands. The next day, I asked her if she would give me six months to change myself entirely. By August first, she would have enough money saved up to go out on her own, if that is what she chose to do. She agreed to try to love me again in those six months. Yesterday, her mood brightened, we talked more through texting than we have in months, and everything seemed kosher. Today, her mood has soured. She has stopped replying, only to let me know when she got home from work.
This is my plea. Either convince me that not all is lost, or point me in the direction of information that can help me end it all. If you care to, give me suggestions if where to go from here. In my mind I will not be left by her, I would rather end myself as opposed to my marriage. Without her, life is meaningless, I simply cannot, and will not go on. If you read all of this, thank you for your time. Please give me guidance.
I am 29, my wife and I have been together for 9 years, and married for four. I am a high functioning, autistic individual. My wife has depression, and anxiety. Most, if not all of our issues, fights, etc. stem from my misuse of money. My extreme inability to stop myself from making poor decisions. Whether that being games, subscriptions, porn addiction, anger issues, lack of self control, marijuana addiction, and an in general surplus of impulsivity... As my wife said during our talk this past Sunday, even if I eliminate one of my issues, another one arises.
That being said, I have so far eliminated my addiction to marijuana, I have cut out the phone games that I spent all my money on. I have stopped watching porn/ masterbation, and made an effort to be as sensual, and caring to my wife's needs as possible. As of late, I have given up all access to our bank account/ funds, and I have eliminated my social media usage, as I fear that leads to negative things as well. (Facebook, Instagram)
My wife looked through my phone Sunday morning, and found that I had been sending twitch subscriptions to a female streamer, that uses a lewd animated character instead of showing herself. Not unlike things I have done in the past, but still, it hurt my wife deep.
That's when my wife told me that she feels "numb" when she thinks of our marriage, and has for quite some time. She said that she needs to be happy, and that she deserves better. She is correct, I agree with her.
When she told me these things(as she has in the past, just in a different fashion, not as harsh) I did not grow angry with her at I have in the past. In that moment, all my past transgressions against her and the sanctuary of our marriage flooded my brain. I agreed with her. I agreed, and said that I understood where she was coming from, and why she was feeling this way. I then broke down, as images and thoughts of her leaving me forever ensnared my brain. I was a blubbering mess, even though she consoled me in that moment, saying that everything is okay, that I'm safe, and that all hope is not lost. I begged her for one last chance, saying that I could change, and she agreed to it. Even after she went to sleep, and I was to clean the remainder of the house, I remained sobbing over my ruined marriage, by my own hands. The next day, I asked her if she would give me six months to change myself entirely. By August first, she would have enough money saved up to go out on her own, if that is what she chose to do. She agreed to try to love me again in those six months. Yesterday, her mood brightened, we talked more through texting than we have in months, and everything seemed kosher. Today, her mood has soured. She has stopped replying, only to let me know when she got home from work.
This is my plea. Either convince me that not all is lost, or point me in the direction of information that can help me end it all. If you care to, give me suggestions if where to go from here. In my mind I will not be left by her, I would rather end myself as opposed to my marriage. Without her, life is meaningless, I simply cannot, and will not go on. If you read all of this, thank you for your time. Please give me guidance.
