Looking at the faces of those who committed suicide..

[Rachel]

It makes me feel so weak and pathetic. I'm still here and making excuses when I should be dead already. I guess in a way, seeing them makes me realize that going through with is possible. Their faces give me a little more strength to go through with it ..

 

[AndyCurious]

Anything is possible Rachel :)

 

[GeorgeEastman]

This is good stuff.

About like when I was a kid afraid to ride the big roller coaster. "Look, that little girl's doing it. Don't be a sissy now. Get on there." Get on that bus. Damn, I'm still a sissy. More of one now than I was back then.

 

[worldexploder]

It doesn't make you weak and pathetic, it makes you human. I've been wanting to die for decades yet I'm still here. We got this annoying self preservation instinct that keeps many of us from succeeding by traditional methods. For me, I got a high panic response and a low threshold for discomfort. Those factors keep me here. If I had something like N, this wouldn't be an issue.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

The preservation instinct is a bastard, too. It uses other people to con me into staying.

Every time I think now about just getting an ax out and just chopping my own damn head off, anything to get out of this shit, I see their faces. Coworkers. Siblings. Puppy faces begging me to stay.

It's damn bullshit. I need them to quit it. I need them to be angry and have faces that say, "Go ahead, better off without you."

I think next spring when the days start getting longer again, it will happen. Daylight is the cause of most of my mental problems more than likely. At night, I feel alive. During the day, I feel like I'm rotting in the ground and need to be smothered with the dirt to get it over.

 

[Rocky M]

@Rachel I hope you find peace when your time comes, whenever that may be

 

[millefeui]

Those people just happened to reach their breaking points before you, and me, and many others. I see no reasons for feeling weak or pathetic, but I don't really want to invalidate your feelings.

 

[Maravillosa]

I like to look at photos of women who ctb by hanging (as a sort of inspiration for myself, I guess). Often enough they look quite peaceful, with only the bruise caused by the ligature around their necks to indicate that they are not merely sleeping. I wonder what they found at the moment of their deaths: I hope that it was something nice. I hope that if and when I ctb, I look as placid and serene in death. Some have the right eye open and dilated, while the left eye is shut: I wonder what causes that. I do not like it when blood flows from their noses, or when they drool, or when their tongues stick out, or when they have been hanging for several days and begun to bloat and decompose (the corpse of one unfortunate woman who hanged herself looked more like a livid blowup doll than a human being).

Silly me! I would like my corpse to look presentable. It should not matter, and in the long run, it does not matter, really: but I want others to look at my face in death and be pleased by what they find. Besides, if I am going to have some degree of posthumous fame for my writing (as I like to fondly hope), I suspect that there will be in the biography that will be written about me a photo of my face in death.

 

[Miro]

Sometimes it saddens me when others kill themselves and I'm still here.

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

I'm jealous of the girls who went to my school and have CTB, because they're at peace now.