long post // trapped and feel so sick. i want out

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

I'm supposed to be going to the beach with some friends later today as a way of celebrating the end of high school (not that I'm walking at graduation anyways but fuck my life ig). My childhood sucked so I was pretty thrilled for it since it would be my first beach day ever and I'd finally get to feel like a "real teenager" (as opposed to being someone that just SH's in the school bathroom stall.) Not really happy now though. My laptop recently broke and so I purchased a new one, but it arrived with a major issue, and I was planning on exchanging it but since I had to spend a day out shopping (for the beach day ofc), I left it sitting on my bed (along with the warranty card) to deal with later and upon coming home, I notice that my room has basically been completely rearranged with the boxes now ripped apart in the bin and the warranty card nowhere in sight. A shit ton of things are just fucking gone now and now I'm just stressed.

My mother has this behaviour of just disposing of important items and has been this way since childhood (e.g. mental health referral papers, artworks, toys, clothing/accessories those bought WITH MY OWN MONEY). To top it all off, I left an unfinished snack on the table for a couple minutes and when I came back, it was gone. Idk just set me off honestly. I feel so fucking trapped. I'm supposed to be graduating tomorrow but instead I'll just be in the audience with yet another thing I care about taken away from me. I'm a fucking dropout failure now basically despite being a school leader only a couple months ago. I've previously had to push my graduation to 2024 because of the disruption but the way things are going, I've had to push it to 2025. Actually so fucking sick. 15 years of high school.

I can't fucking do this. I want to go to university but I can't do that without the senior certificate but if I waste time getting it, I won't be able to leave to another city and attempt to start a new life (since I would have to fly back constantly to take exams etc + can't get full-time job whilst studying and therefore won't be able to support myself in this economy). The thing is, I don't know if I can handle being here any longer. I really, really, really, really, really hate my mother. Although she's not as physically abusive anymore, here's a summary of her past actions:

• Locked me out of the apartment at age 7/8 with torn clothes in the winter
• Once mercilessly bashed me and basically tried to kill me at 11 over something I didn't do at like bloody 7 in the morning (then started pulling the depression card after and made me apologise)
• Bashed me after a teacher commented on my lack of eye contact when I was 8 (it still sucks now though lol)
• Intentionally tried to break up any friendships I formed and acted like "everyone was out to get me" and she was supposedly "the only trustworthy person."
• Accused me of being demon possessed and subjected me to religious abuse
• Didn't respond or even react when I tried to hang myself not super long ago and just started playing the victim to some charlatan WhatsApp healer
• Made me sleep in the bathroom when I was 6/7 because of a bedwetting issue and bashed me when she found that I'd crawled into my room to sleep on the floor
• Basically, made my life a living hell constantly to the point where I'd try to strangle myself all the time when sleeping and would often leave the house crying on my way to school and would pray to die.
• Lied about not having my birth certificate (where I live, it literally isn't possible to get your life started independently without one and there's no way of getting a new one without details from the original, so basically, I would've been trapped here forever with no way out had I not found it)
• When I got discharged from the psych ward and had to move back in with her, she didn't help whatsoever and just began her weird religious BS (leaving my younger sister to basically parent me until I got more stable)
• Tried getting a passport to send me to her shithole and very underdeveloped country of origin for "healing" (mind you, I was born in and grew up where I am now)
• Threw a tantrum when I sprained my ankle at 9 whilst at school and a teacher recommended getting it X-rayed so had to walk around for a while with a messed up foot

At this rate, I'll be stuck with this woman forever with no way out. My mental problems will likely make it hard for me to both get and keep a job and overall, just be independent and a normal functioning adult. I'm too scared to leave the house for fear of her messing with my things again but I've noticed that if I stay inside for more than a couple days, I become severely agoraphobic and unable to leave the house and eventually my room. My self esteem and will to live are permanently damaged and I'm nothing more than a hollow shell at this point. I'm so fucking sick of being abused by the people that are supposed to care for me. I'm so sick of being this useless stain on the Earth. The only way out is to CTB. I've already ordered the extra strength melatonin and rope. The melatonin should take a while to arrive but when it does, I'll be the happiest lass around

 

[アホペンギン]

I feel violated after reading only half of this.. Your mother was a horrible person and very manipulative as well. Hopefully you can escape from that woman soon. I'll read the rest now but I just had to say this, I'm shocked.

 

[FuneralCry]

That really is so incredibly horrific what you've been through, it disgusts me how some humans create so much suffering.

 

[Larysa]

Absolutely horrific. Words are inadequate.

I understand you have plans to ctb, but meanwhile:

Can you make a survival kit of everything you really need her not to meddle with, put it in a backpack and take that with you when you leave the house? Laptop, medication, paperwork etc. You could even keep the various items in storage pouches In different parts of your room to reduce likelihood of her noticing. Quickly gather them together before you leave each time.

Every thing like this you do to protect yourself is a tiny win against her - however small.

Prioritise getting the fuck out of there. You deserve even a few weeks of life away from her. Whatever it takes.

You haven't had a chance to even try to live without abuse. You deserve a chance. She will still be in your head to an extent but you can work on that.

I hope you go to the beach.

 

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

Absolutely horrific. Words are inadequate.

I understand you have plans to ctb, but meanwhile:

Can you make a survival kit of everything you really need her not to meddle with, put it in a backpack and take that with you when you leave the house? Laptop, medication, paperwork etc. You could even keep the various items in storage pouches In different parts of your room to reduce likelihood of her noticing. Quickly gather them together before you leave each time.

Every thing like this you do to protect yourself is a tiny win against her - however small.

Prioritise getting the fuck out of there. You deserve even a few weeks of life away from her. Whatever it takes.

You haven't had a chance to even try to live without her abuse. You deserve a chance. She will still be in your head to an extent but you can work on that.

I hope you go to the beach.

I did live with my other parent and his partner for a few years and despite being better, that situation did get pretty toxic and unsafe eventually as my final days were spent being pushed around and insulted for my deepest insecurities and told to end my own life and then eventually being abandoned whilst in the psych ward and having to move back in with my mother. All I want is a truly safe and stable environment to call home but I can't see that happening so more focused on racing through my bucket list in preparation for CTB

 

[Brown-Jacket Revy]

I relate to this a lot and am living in the end result of this kind of situation.

Currently 36 and still living with the progenitor.

If you can escape, please do so and never go back.

But if you feel CTB is your only option, I wouldn't blame you.

I wish I had many years ago.

 

[$uicideeydea]

Your mother is an abhorrent person. I hope you manage to escape your miserable situation as I wish i could. I understand your plan to CTB but I hope you'll find a reason to reconsider, if not please take care along the way.