Venting (Long post) I’m hoping Covid shutdown discourages my father from contact

[Iamnotperminant92]

My father had his parole lifted in April. He's been in prison on account of [Potentially triggering topics] from 2000-2017. For 8-9 years before that he had made my mothers and brothers lives miserable (Stealing money for drugs/booze/cigs, occasional physical abuse, killing one of our dogs after a fight with my mom (something to do with said dog needing treatment for worms.) Before and even during then he's had trouble with the law/police but during the late 90s there had been three cases of similar crimes on an otherwise peaceful neighborhood. Only one of which he was charged on (after he fled to his home state) because the other two lacked evidence. (Exact same crimes, same street, same demographic.)

To say this fucked me over psychologically - especially since this was on the news and teachers/ (some)kids/parents at the school knew - would be an understatement. I got worse when I found newspaper clippings about it when I was in my early teens. I had nightmares about the police/getting arrested as a kid.

I was still talking to him (as was my mother) until 2012ish but back when I was in 1st semester freshman uni he had started some drama with my mother and called me that day to say he wasn't talking with her. I was already suicidal and planning to CTB that day via partial in the dorm bathroom but my mother called the campus security because I didn't answer the phone (Thankfully it was before I had anything prepared for CTB.)

He blamed my mother for me not speaking with him until I wrote him a letter letting him know why. He responded saying that I wasn't really his kid and my mom cheated (not true, but would have been preferable) and that I should change my first and last name (I share his first name.)

After he was let out, he was sent to live at his parents house (owned by his sister) which is in a different state - the same place he was caught after fleeing. My mother wanted to take the high road and try to be a friend in case he had changed as a person. I had gotten on board for a short time as well. He and his first wife got back together until he beat someone's kid in 'old school values parenting' fashion. Then he tried to get my mother back on board with him until he met another woman and stopped calling completely. Until that point he had talked about me going to the state and meeting his dog and such starting on the first call. I was clearly uncomfortable with that.

His parole ended in April and he's been posting pictures on FB with his new truck which looks suspiciously similar to the one he had when he was with my mother.

Somewhere along the 'good will'/high road/maybe-he-changed period he got our address from my mother. I find it quite fortunate the state we live in has been one with one of the most stringent Covid19 Responses (our governor is taking a lot of shit right now for it.) It may delay him if he intends to find us. My mother and I have talked about getting a large dog or firearms training in the past.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Have you and your mom considered taking self defense classes?

Also, if you get firearms training, I hope it includes legal training so that you don't end up unintentionally doing something that makes him the victim should you need to use it. Marc MacYoung has a book on firearm self defense. I think he's kind of a jerk and has an inflated ego, but there's some good information in the book that would help me know what to look for in firearms self defense training.

Any kind of training will show in your body language as you get more confident and are more aware, and there's a chance if your dad sees you that he'll recognize you're no longer victim material.

He sounds like a narcissist who likes to play people against each other, discard and hoover, etc. Sorry you have to deal with him being out of parole and knowing where you live. You can get a restraining order even if your mom doesn't want one, which means he can't come to the house. I don't know if he'll consider this a challenge and just become more aggressive, just trying to think of anything that will help you feel more empowered, take away some of his power over you and reduce your fear.

 

[Iamnotperminant92]

Firearms - at least for me - is less likely a viable approach for a number of reasons. Some related to past suicidality that may prohibit me from owning one (I'm not certain of that though) and psychological just knowing there is a gun in the house would be a point of tension. My mother has this to some degree as well but it is always her that brings up the idea of getting a gun. She herself has said something to the effect of "you can control a person with a gun or take the gun away from them, but you can't control a dog."

She's been wanting to get a dog and has asked the landlord but never heard back from him. When my parents were together we had Rottweilers but the place we live in now would not be suitable for one.

As far as a restraining order again it's not something I've looked into. Intuitively I'd assumed we'd passed some kind of 'statute of limitations' or our request wouldn't meet the criteria for the situation being 'immediate' or 'serious' enough. I also don't know if filing a restraining order or attempting to wouldn't provoke him.