Story Long introduction of myself, hei everyone!

[noctiva]

Hei all,

It feels very weird to post here, I've been lurking for approximately 5 weeks, learned so much about human suffering, death and methods to die. Many people here feel very familiar to me already even though you have no idea who I am.
I didn't want to make an account, actually. I just wanted to wait it out and then, at the end, die. But I'm so fragile by now, the stress is so huge, the fear of not being able to do it, I thought it might help if I could talk with someone, at some point, if anyone cares to listen.

I have no physical disability, I am diagnosed as depressed but I refuse to take medication (I'm a neuroscientist and as such I know how little we know about the brain and the effects of medication). I am anxiously attached, and the pain it causes is killing me (no pun intended). I cannot deal with my situation anymore.

I have met a wonderful man 3 years ago. And I want you to completely understand the meaning of the word wonderful here: He is smart as fuck, he is sexy as hell, he is kind, compassionate, just overall gorgeous. I fell in love with him the day I met him. And, over a period of 4 months, he also came to like me. We started to date. He has 4 children from a previous marriage and 50/50 custody of them. From day one he included me in his family, introduced me as his girlfriend. We spend every week he didn't have the kids together, as a close couple, just the two of us, and every other week with the kids, a huge family with loads of stuff going on, we had children's birthday parties, we went to the movies with them, to the trampoline park, swimming and of course hobbies and school etc. I am not saying it was easy, simple or trivial. Not at all. It is tough, that many children, everyone wants something else than the other one, everyone has their own needs, their own wants, their own tantrums. But it was at the same time wonderful, rewarding and at the end of every day I felt loved, content with myself and happy to fall asleep in his arms. It was the first time in my life that I had a family, a real, genuine family with warmth and love.
And I have lost him, I have lost all of them. The time with them was the first time in my life where life was worth living, where I had a purpose, where my existence had a meaning. This life, though tough, it quieted my depression. I could do something, I could function, I could do many many things in one day, not just one. And after about a year I felt loved and safe enough to go back to therapy to really work on myself, because I wanted to get even better, I wanted to become the person that would be able to fully function, no depression, no separation anxiety, no attachment disorder, so I could be the best possible version of myself and support to my partner, support for the kids in growing up. I wanted to develop the courage to talk with them not just about what they did today but also what they thought about it and how they felt about it. I wanted to be there for my partner, to help him heal from his baggage from his own past. I wanted to make everyone's life better, warmer, calmer. I dreamt of seeing the kids grow up, graduate, go to uni, get married, have children. I wanted to see my partner grow old, still smart and sexy as fuck because his attractiveness could never be touched by age.

He threw me out. 5 weeks ago, because we had an absolutely stupid and pointless and childish fight after a really stressful weekend. It had happened before, if we hang out together too much with kids and work stress piling up too high, at some point we get cranky and fight (always stupid little fights over trivial stuff). Then we take a week or two apart, talk it over and we're okay again. Now it's 5 weeks, he wrote me an Email saying he doesn't want a relationship, he also told me this last Friday. But.. I cannot handle it at all. I cannot cope with this. I cannot cope with the loss, with the self-hatred because I wasn't good enough, I didn't become the best I can be fast enough to be allowed to stay. I lost my whole family, everyone.
I have no one else, except one friend from work. And she today told me that I am so negative that she cannot be with me anymore, that she needs to look after her own mental health. And I understand that, she is right, she is wonderful and she deserves all the happiness in the world, not my negative bullshit all the time, I just cannot give it to her. Additionally, I have been given a grant for my studies for next year of 5000e. I need at least 20000e to survive, to pay my mortgage and my food, so January my salary drops from 1600/ month to 358/ month, so I will lose my loan, my apartment, I have nothing left, no home, no friend, no family, no love. All I can do is cry.

The only reason I'm still around is because I begged him, I literally begged him last Friday, to please reconsider and he said he will think about it but right now he needs time. So I am waiting for his answer. It will be negative. I see him every day at work, and he is having a great time, laughing with coworkers and chatting the day away. As soon as he sees me, his face gets cold, distant, he ends the conversation and walks away.
I cannot handle this, I cannot eat, I lost 9 kg in the last 5 weeks, I haven't been this light since I was 12 (now 33). I cannot sleep, if I fall asleep, I get very realistic dreams of the life I have lost, just.. simple things, making food with his youngest, watching a sports game of his eldest, going to a bookstore with him and the kids and checking out mugs, laughing… and when I wake up, alone in the dark, disorientated, not understanding what is going on, until reality hits again and I can do nothing but cry more. I cannot work, because if he is there, I just want to go and see him, as I used to, just give him a kiss, say hi, have lunch with him, see his face light up when I drop by. I have stopped therapy, I have nothing to say anymore except that I need to get him back or I need to die (here, no one cares if you say you want to die). I haven't done laundry for 5 weeks, I cannot stand the idea of washing my bed linen and sleeping in a bed he hasn't slept in. I haven't bought food, I don't have the energy to go anywhere, I don't want to eat anyway, my one and only friend came by once and brought me food out of pity, but that's it, living off of a few digestive cookies a day. I just want the pain to end.

So there's my sob story. I know there are a lot of people here that don't agree with this as a valid reason seeing as I am physically healthy. But please understand that I cannot go back to being single, pointless, purposeless and worthless old me again. I found something so profound I thought I would never find. A family, a whole family with 6 wonderful people in it, and they allowed me into their lives, they accepted me, and they accepted me for the person I was! And I... I destroyed it and I am not allowed to fix it! I feel like I'm falling and falling and falling, I'm screaming for help to anyone who will listen, but no one does. No one even wants to listen anymore. I just get 'Well, he decided to break up, you need to accept that and move on' 'It's just one guy, come on, find someone else, there are a million other guys out there!' And it's tearing me apart, I cannot talk to anyone who actually hears me, I cannot do anything to rectify the situation, I am terrified of being rejected and staying rejected, with Christmas coming up, New Years.. My attachment disorder doesn't allow me to think anything else. I cannot get him back, then I need to leave work anyway, I cannot function there anymore, then again I lose my apartment. So I will be homeless by the latest in February, unemployed and with the knowledge of what I've lost!

My method will be just meto+SN, no antacid, no painkillers, no sedatives (would love some though, but don't have any). I dislike it since I handle pentobarbital at work every day and would love to take a few bottles, but it's tightly regulated and kinda a shit move if I make life harder for those that will take over after me, so SN it is. I signed up to have someone to talk to, especially in the agonizing time between taking the SN and closing my eyes forever.

 

[wendydong1]

" I signed up to have someone to talk to"

Where do u sign up for things like that?

I know the feeling. Just the sudden about face change... And the first time u felt loved and really loved someone

I believe there are several people on this board are here because relationships. And we feel like oh, killing ourselves over a man or a woman is not good enough of a reason. But this is ultimately our own choice

 

[trynacbt]

Your reasons are absolutely valid. I too am physically healthy but emotionally I cannot go on. Here to talk if you need, feel free to chat or PM me. Sending you strength.

 

[overandout]

So sorry to read your story. Sending you strength too. It's a shame you are suffering with this attachment disorder, if you could only work through it (easier said than done I'm sure) just feel there is someone else out there for you who seems like they actually would deserve you. You have just run into so much misfortune. I guess inevitably no person can fix what you are longing for, this needs to come from you, I wonder if this would have happened regardless even later on. You need a strong partner that you can rely on, even during the rocky times and not someone who abandons you. It's hard because your whole life revolved around him and his family. My heart did go out to you reading your story.

 

[noctiva]

Thank you all for your kind words, I really appreciate it.
I've been working on my attachment disorder for 10 years in therapy. It is not going anywhere with therapists, because I never stick around long enough (or rather, they don't... maternity leave, paternity leave, retired, moving to a different city etc) to build any secure attachment to them which I can then transfer to myself. But with my family it was different, because I felt safe, for the first time in my life I did not feel threatened or about to be abandoned. I felt safe enough to try again to go to therapy and this time work it out, from a point of safety and love. And it would have worked, or at least I made more progress in the last year in therapy than in any of the 10 years before.
I just want to go home again, to sort it out somehow and to be allowed back!

 

[Onomotopoeia]

I"m sorry you are struggling. Life is really challenging and adding in any type of loss certainly makes it more difficult. Whatever reasons you may have, are yours and yours alone. Nobody can or should even attempt to place merit on the value of your life to you. That decision is 100% yours at all times, despite the stigmas

That said I personally am an avid believer a decision that final should never be made lightly, and never under immediate trauma. If you never made an attempt to nurse a wound, you should expect the infection hurts. Sometimes life can be very different 6 months after a trauma.

Often that is not true, it never was for me. I only bring this up because I know how strong that pull can be when everything is salt in the wound. Sometimes, just sometimes it can be different even if the result is the same. (that is how it has always been for me).

That said it's really easy to dismiss a break up, everyone has been there and you would think that means everyone can relate, but often I find our memories are short and we offer empty things like "plenty of fish in the sea"

People are inherently selfish some are just better at pushing it aside, because we know we should. That's not a dig at people, it's just truth and we would do well to remember most of us have more flaws than gifts. Listening, really listening is nearly impossible. Trying to listen while being empathetic and also seeming empathetic to the talker....I would argue almost entirely impossible.

I'm off on a tangent i'm just saying it's easier to care then to be able to properly express that you care, and when your having troubles everything feels like an assault and that's rough.

I'm afraid for all my rambling I dont really have anything useful to tell you other than I hear you, I empathize, and I probably sucked at expressing that.

Life is hard, life alone is harder, and sometimes it's to much and that should be ok. Just dont make any rash decisions. Humans are emotional creatures and oddly resilient, despite, or maybe because of place like SS.

I suck at talking to people, but if you want to chat can message me I dont have a very busy life and I will do my best to listen and do it in the least awkward way I can (which will be really, really awkward)

 

[RitaM]

I just tried to PM you but it won't let me for some reason. Are you able to PM me? Sorry you're going through this x

 

[Soul]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, @noctiva. You write so clearly and expressively - you're quite gifted.

I was in a similar situation once, and an acquaintance made a simple, smart and helpful suggestion: Without telling anyone - not him, not us, not anyone - set a deadline for him to come back to you, and wait for him. Decide for yourself how long you can and are willing to wait. After that time, if the two of you haven't sorted things out - that's when you can consider what your next steps will be.

I wish you good outcomes of your choices moving forward. (((Hugs))) (In my case he came back to me five years after my deadline. He broke my heart, but I hadn't stopped loving him. We're still together.)

 

[alexithymia]

Hi @noctiva. Welcome (officially) to the forum, although I understand you've been lurking for some time now.

As stated by a previous member, your reasons are your reasons and they are totally valid. I understand deriving purpose and contentment from having a partner/family and feeling absolutely shattered once it ends. It's a brutal, heartbreaking feeling. One I wouldn't wish on anyone. People who don't have issues with attachment simply don't understand. Like you said, it's a lot of, "There's plenty of fish in the sea!" It isn't that simple. It's devastating. And who's to say that won't end too?

I hope you find comfort here. The people on this forum are so wonderful. It really does feel like a bit of a sanctuary for those who feel entirely lost and alone.

 

[LonelyLight]

I am so sorry for everything you are going thru!! And to think of you still in limbo waiting for an answer, my heart goes out to you. I'm glad you decided to join the forum (what a weird thing to say about a forum like this but you understand what I'm saying) and thank you for sharing your story here.
Please PM me at any time for any reason. My inbox is always open.

 

[noctiva]

Thank you all for your kind reply. I don't really know what to say, your kindness is overwhelming. I didn't go to work today, I cannot get myself to do anything. I just keep thinking I need to fix it somehow, but I don't know how. It is slowly driving me insane, I'm thinking if I am too dumb to see the obvious solution or if I'm just not good enough to figure it out.
@Soul I have set a date, loosely. I don't think I can actually stand to wait that long because every day is agony. I'm happy that it worked out for you, that he came back. But I can't stay around for 5 years to see if he would care to maybe then be with me. I wouldn't know what to do in those 5 years. I have a career, sure, a shitty one, but I'm not really a career oriented person in that sense. If I were to stick around, I would be expected to function during these 5 years, have income, pay my mortgage... and my energy is just running out of the cracks of my broken heart, and I cannot plug it or stop it or fix it.
@RitaM I'm sorry I don't have PM privileges yet, I think that should come later today or tomorrow (24h or so after acceptance I read somewhere)

 

[GreyMonkey]

I totally hear you. I'm on here from a similar story. Being intensley anxiously attached is a horrible horrible way to be.

Relationships are everything for this. A possibility and a hope when in it, and an absolute catastrophe when it ends.

And then there is the withdrawal. The hopelessness. The feelings of failure. Its all childhood stuff yet it doesn't change the reality of how it feels in this moment.

I'd probably sneak the pento though.

 

[Soul]

@noctiva, I understand that the way it went for me sounds like a "you'll get over it" parable, which is why I put it in tiny letters - that's not what I meant to offer you, and the tiny letters cover an awful lot of pain. I feel setting a deadline helped me get through a lot, because it put a cap on the waiting and I could fill my time with activities that were good for the relationship and not do things that would endanger it.

What anyone does if the deadline arrives without the loved one returning is up to them. I'm just suggesting firming up that deadline for now. He's said he needs time; you love him. (((Hugs)))

 

[noctiva]

@GreyMonkey Thank you for your reply, I very much appreciate it! I'm a neuroscientist and have a minor in psychology, I've been studying attachment theory for years, have tons of books on it. But the knowledge doesn't unfortunately lead to any improvement emotionally. I know what I need to do, what I should do, how I should be and how I should feel. And I can do it, when I am safe. I can love myself and look after myself and put myself first, IF someone else loves me, too. And, that's the worst bit, I honestly believe he did love me. I have pictures (and now I'm crying again) where he looks absolutely happy and gorgeous, relaxed and .. just content and peaceful. And I realized that all these pictures are pictures where he is looking at me while he is taking a picture of me while I'm at the same time taking one of him.. and I've destroyed that! I tried so hard to this time use this genuine love from him to become the person he deserves, and I've failed. The self-hatred and loathing I feel towards myself now is indescribable. I just want him back and continue to become better.

@Soul thank you for your kind words, I love him and I understand he needs time. I would like to give him all the time he needs. He said he doesn't want a relationship because he needs to heal, he would have loved to meet me without his baggage and that he enjoys spending time with me. If that was sincere and not just to soften the blow, then I guess there is hope. And I think if he needs another month for himself, all to himself, I can deal, somehow. But I cannot pull this off for half a year, or a year. I want to be with my family for Christmas, for New Years. I know I need to change and work on myself, but I cannot do that without the support and the love I've felt. I feel guilty and like a complete failure. And I cannot talk to him about it because he blocks all conversation. I miss him so much.

 

[GreyMonkey]

I really really hear you and get it. I wish I knew how to comfort you or how to be comforted myself.

And I get that nothing works. Comfort from others doesn't work. The inability to self soothe and find peace inside.

Just them. Needing them so much that life feels utterly pointless without them. Wanting to die rather than have to live without them and the indescribable torment of feeling like somehow we fucked that up.

And I'm the same. Well read in attachment theory, love addiction, borderline personality disorder... And it doesn't make a damn fucking different. It does not stop the pain one bit.

 

[noctiva]

Thank you @GreyMonkey. The thought that he is still thinking about it is the only thought that keeps me going.
The only comfort that will be had is talking to him, seeing how he is doing, touching him and hopefully being allowed back into his life, which has been my life for some time as well.
I am sorry that you feel similarly, I wouldn't wish this to my worst enemy (not that I see you as my enemy, kindred spirit!). How are you yourself doing? Are you happy and comforted at the moment? How do you deal?

 

[RitaM]

I don't want to say too much outside of PM but I have the same attachment issue @noctiva and @GreyMonkey. It's quite surreal to read this actually.

I too have endlessly studied attachment theory and had (and am still having) therapy to try to address the issue. I know it stems from childhood, never attaching to my mother and my father dying when I was quite young.

Weirdly, I tend to be very avoidant in relationships. I keep my distance and will look for reasons not to be with someone... but once in a blue moon I will somehow attach to someone and then I become anxiously attached. It doesn't make me needy or really affect things much at all, until there is a possibility or reality of a breakup and I fall apart.

I know at that point that my thinking is irrational. I know I don't NEED somebody else to carry on living, but the loss is so devastating that I can't function. I become suicidal. Allowing myself to attach to anyone is dangerous for me.

I don't have a personality disorder and I don't experience this with friendships or in any other area of my life. I believe it really is all down to my childhood and not ever having had a family as such.

I really feel for you and wish I could give you a hug. I know those agonising days well.

I did manage to get through the "withdrawals" with one person and made it through to the other side. It was very painful and it took a long time, but it did stop hurting even though I thought it would never end. All I can say is that about nine months later, I was glad I did and glad I didn't kill myself over it.

I will try to PM you later but I won't be logged on for a day or two from this evening. If it won't let me I'll try again when I'm back.

Try to distract yourself as much as possible, anything to make the day more bearable. Download some games for your phone, do short, guided meditations, re-watch your favourite tv show back to back. I know none of it will feel good but it will be better than doing nothing. Try to eat something small every few hours otherwise your stomach will get used to not eating and you will feel worse. Force it down if you have to, just a few bites. Take each hour, each minute as it comes. Post on here.

Sorry for rambling, I just wish I could take the pain away for you. I'm thinking of you x

 

[GreyMonkey]

No I am in total distress. Feeling the love withdrawl. After a year of on and off it just ended on Saturday.

We had tried to say goodbye on Tuesday. I deleted her number from my phone and was reluctantly ready to move on. She calls me the next day then we spend three incredibly intimate days together.

Then she goes to a retreat on Friday and someone there, I don't know who, says I had talked about her. She calls me feeling upset. Says she is totally over it. Says she never saw a future with me (again) she never would have introduced me to her family. Calls me a loser. And then blocks me completely. I can't contact her at all.

And I know I should just move on etc but I'm so attached that all I can do is think she is right. I am a loser. I have nothing. And I destroyed my life in the process. Business gone. Friendships gone. Studies failing. Like I'm a fucking mess and don't know how to get out of it and so so want to die as much as it terrifies me.

I don't want to live. Just scared to die.

 

[noctiva]

@RitaM Thank you for your reply, I can completely find myself in your text! I have no problem at all with other people, I'm even avoidant there, friends, co-workers, blood family. But I've always had this need that to belong somewhere, safely and securely, that I want to be part of a family, a real genuine one with warmth and love and acceptance, because my blood family has nothing like it and I always felt left out in the cold, fending for myself.
And if I fall in love with someone, then exactly this happens, this anxious attachment kicks in and ... I die. I've fought my way back twice, I feel I cannot do it again. I cannot stand the thought that this circle just keeps repeating and repeating, that I find someone, have a good 2 years, and then I need a good 4 years to sort myself again, in the meantime neglecting my studies, losing my income, being threatened with homelessness and just barely avoiding it.
I don't know if I can go as far as to say I don't NEED somebody, I do, I've always needed someone in my life for warmth, love, safety and stability. I cannot give that to myself, I don't understand what my therapist wants when s/he says to love myself, to embrace the hurt child within me, I'm at a total loss! I hear the words, but I have no clue what I'm actually supposed to do with that. It's completely distressing, to have the information, to have the knowledge, to have someone trying to talk you though it, and you're still standing there like a bloody moron, not being able to put A to B (no N pun intended).
Thank you also for your well-wishes, I will try to look after myself a bit better, but I am just so hopeless by now, because I really feel I NEED to get him back to function again. And even if I make it through to the other side.. there is no point! It'll happen again and again. I think, I prefer to die, but I'm too afraid at the moment because.. he is already grieving a suicide at the moment, and I think it's hitting him really hard. I've tried everything to be better, to not become this hideous needy creature, therapy, meditation, self-care regimes, journaling, buddhism, nothing really helps to keep my balance.

@GreyMonkey I'm very sorry to hear that you're distressed. Is there anything I can do to try to help you or support you? You are not a loser at all, except in the sense that you lost someone you care about very much. I can relate to you being a mess, me too. I haven't left bed today, I'm surrounded by his clothes, his pictures, his plushie unicorns he brought me, the night lamp he bought me, everything. I cannot let go, return to being a pointless and useless human mess full of fear and insecurities. I don't want to live anymore either, I just want to stop hurting so bad!

 

[GreyMonkey]

I'm the same. Been through this twice before. Takes years to recover. Same with the inner child stuff. I don't know how to do it. I get smaller glimpses yet it's not enough. And also I need someone. All I've ever wanted is a deep love.

Don't know if I can do it again. It feels awful to think that maybe I'm just not capable of having a relationship. And I've neglected my whole life for it. Never properly pursued a career and now nobody wants me because of that.

I don't know who the fuck I am.

 

[noctiva]

I hear you, it's so hard to come back from the abyss of lost love and shattered hope. I don't want to end up alone, I think this solitary existence is pointless, unconnected, unloved, not contributing. I might as well not be. I don't know yet if I will end my life, but I think I cannot not end it and not suffer anymore. I've tried so long and so hard to end this pain, to no avail. It's tormenting me and I see no end to it.
And I feel so bad for it, because he is so happy now and I love him so much, I should be able to let him go to enjoy his happiness. I think that, maybe I don't love him enough, or my love isn't pure enough, if I cannot give him what he wants. He deserves everything he wants, and I would want to give him everything,... as long as I'm allowed to be there. So I'm struggling also with the feeling that I'm just a really shit person altogether.
I understand your wish for a deep love, deep and stable connection. That's why I said I don't know if I can say that I don't NEED it in response to RitaMs lovely post. Because I think.. I do really NEED it so survive mentally.
I don't know who I am anymore either. I just want to be the person I was allowed to be in the last 2 years, I want to be that person. This was the first time in my life where I was in a relationship where I was accepted as I was, and where I was a partner as well as a person.

I know that I can beat this, I know I can make it work, I know it! I have made so much progress in the last year, I was really proud. But... I need him to make it happen and I want him, too. He is, and this is not the rose tinted glasses talking, an amazing guy, in every sense of the word. And yes, I agree with his own assessment that he needs to heal himself from his own baggage. I pleaded with him, because he started to deal in absolutes, as in he needs to be absolutely alone until he is fully healed. I asked him if we can do a part-time thing, where he can be alone for a few days to focus on himself (during that time I can also then focus on myself) and then we can spend a few happy days together. I can handle this. I can easily do time apart if I have a day I can look forward to where I can be in his arms again.

 

[woxihuanni]

When you can pm, i am here. I am waiting for word from my ex partner to drink up my sn. I was attaching to them securely, and can attach securely still. My problem is that i seriously dont see myself settling for anybody less compatible than them, so it is a matter of lack of alternative.

 

[noctiva]

Thank you all for the warm welcome and the offer to PM you, I hope that I'll have PMing capability at some point today/ tomorrow. Please feel free to PM anytime, I'd be honored and happy to chat with you. I very much appreciate all the kindness in this forum and the compassion, I wish that real life had even a fraction of the kindness present here, the world would be a better place. <3

 

[Shivani]

Hei all,

It feels very weird to post here, I've been lurking for approximately 5 weeks, learned so much about human suffering, death and methods to die. Many people here feel very familiar to me already even though you have no idea who I am.
I didn't want to make an account, actually. I just wanted to wait it out and then, at the end, die. But I'm so fragile by now, the stress is so huge, the fear of not being able to do it, I thought it might help if I could talk with someone, at some point, if anyone cares to listen.

I have no physical disability, I am diagnosed as depressed but I refuse to take medication (I'm a neuroscientist and as such I know how little we know about the brain and the effects of medication). I am anxiously attached, and the pain it causes is killing me (no pun intended). I cannot deal with my situation anymore.

I have met a wonderful man 3 years ago. And I want you to completely understand the meaning of the word wonderful here: He is smart as fuck, he is sexy as hell, he is kind, compassionate, just overall gorgeous. I fell in love with him the day I met him. And, over a period of 4 months, he also came to like me. We started to date. He has 4 children from a previous marriage and 50/50 custody of them. From day one he included me in his family, introduced me as his girlfriend. We spend every week he didn't have the kids together, as a close couple, just the two of us, and every other week with the kids, a huge family with loads of stuff going on, we had children's birthday parties, we went to the movies with them, to the trampoline park, swimming and of course hobbies and school etc. I am not saying it was easy, simple or trivial. Not at all. It is tough, that many children, everyone wants something else than the other one, everyone has their own needs, their own wants, their own tantrums. But it was at the same time wonderful, rewarding and at the end of every day I felt loved, content with myself and happy to fall asleep in his arms. It was the first time in my life that I had a family, a real, genuine family with warmth and love.
And I have lost him, I have lost all of them. The time with them was the first time in my life where life was worth living, where I had a purpose, where my existence had a meaning. This life, though tough, it quieted my depression. I could do something, I could function, I could do many many things in one day, not just one. And after about a year I felt loved and safe enough to go back to therapy to really work on myself, because I wanted to get even better, I wanted to become the person that would be able to fully function, no depression, no separation anxiety, no attachment disorder, so I could be the best possible version of myself and support to my partner, support for the kids in growing up. I wanted to develop the courage to talk with them not just about what they did today but also what they thought about it and how they felt about it. I wanted to be there for my partner, to help him heal from his baggage from his own past. I wanted to make everyone's life better, warmer, calmer. I dreamt of seeing the kids grow up, graduate, go to uni, get married, have children. I wanted to see my partner grow old, still smart and sexy as fuck because his attractiveness could never be touched by age.

He threw me out. 5 weeks ago, because we had an absolutely stupid and pointless and childish fight after a really stressful weekend. It had happened before, if we hang out together too much with kids and work stress piling up too high, at some point we get cranky and fight (always stupid little fights over trivial stuff). Then we take a week or two apart, talk it over and we're okay again. Now it's 5 weeks, he wrote me an Email saying he doesn't want a relationship, he also told me this last Friday. But.. I cannot handle it at all. I cannot cope with this. I cannot cope with the loss, with the self-hatred because I wasn't good enough, I didn't become the best I can be fast enough to be allowed to stay. I lost my whole family, everyone.
I have no one else, except one friend from work. And she today told me that I am so negative that she cannot be with me anymore, that she needs to look after her own mental health. And I understand that, she is right, she is wonderful and she deserves all the happiness in the world, not my negative bullshit all the time, I just cannot give it to her. Additionally, I have been given a grant for my studies for next year of 5000e. I need at least 20000e to survive, to pay my mortgage and my food, so January my salary drops from 1600/ month to 358/ month, so I will lose my loan, my apartment, I have nothing left, no home, no friend, no family, no love. All I can do is cry.

The only reason I'm still around is because I begged him, I literally begged him last Friday, to please reconsider and he said he will think about it but right now he needs time. So I am waiting for his answer. It will be negative. I see him every day at work, and he is having a great time, laughing with coworkers and chatting the day away. As soon as he sees me, his face gets cold, distant, he ends the conversation and walks away.
I cannot handle this, I cannot eat, I lost 9 kg in the last 5 weeks, I haven't been this light since I was 12 (now 33). I cannot sleep, if I fall asleep, I get very realistic dreams of the life I have lost, just.. simple things, making food with his youngest, watching a sports game of his eldest, going to a bookstore with him and the kids and checking out mugs, laughing… and when I wake up, alone in the dark, disorientated, not understanding what is going on, until reality hits again and I can do nothing but cry more. I cannot work, because if he is there, I just want to go and see him, as I used to, just give him a kiss, say hi, have lunch with him, see his face light up when I drop by. I have stopped therapy, I have nothing to say anymore except that I need to get him back or I need to die (here, no one cares if you say you want to die). I haven't done laundry for 5 weeks, I cannot stand the idea of washing my bed linen and sleeping in a bed he hasn't slept in. I haven't bought food, I don't have the energy to go anywhere, I don't want to eat anyway, my one and only friend came by once and brought me food out of pity, but that's it, living off of a few digestive cookies a day. I just want the pain to end.

So there's my sob story. I know there are a lot of people here that don't agree with this as a valid reason seeing as I am physically healthy. But please understand that I cannot go back to being single, pointless, purposeless and worthless old me again. I found something so profound I thought I would never find. A family, a whole family with 6 wonderful people in it, and they allowed me into their lives, they accepted me, and they accepted me for the person I was! And I... I destroyed it and I am not allowed to fix it! I feel like I'm falling and falling and falling, I'm screaming for help to anyone who will listen, but no one does. No one even wants to listen anymore. I just get 'Well, he decided to break up, you need to accept that and move on' 'It's just one guy, come on, find someone else, there are a million other guys out there!' And it's tearing me apart, I cannot talk to anyone who actually hears me, I cannot do anything to rectify the situation, I am terrified of being rejected and staying rejected, with Christmas coming up, New Years.. My attachment disorder doesn't allow me to think anything else. I cannot get him back, then I need to leave work anyway, I cannot function there anymore, then again I lose my apartment. So I will be homeless by the latest in February, unemployed and with the knowledge of what I've lost!

My method will be just meto+SN, no antacid, no painkillers, no sedatives (would love some though, but don't have any). I dislike it since I handle pentobarbital at work every day and would love to take a few bottles, but it's tightly regulated and kinda a shit move if I make life harder for those that will take over after me, so SN it is. I signed up to have someone to talk to, especially in the agonizing time between taking the SN and closing my eyes forever.

Even I lost the love of my life , though I do not have any physical illness, the emotional pain is a lot. Everything reminds me of him. It is hard to explain to anyone what I feel, everyone around cares but I cannot make them understand what I feel and go through everyday. I had a very promising life but it all shattered with him gone. I don't find anything worthwhile. I wish I was more stronger

 

[noctiva]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss Shivani. I feel your devastating and heart wrenching pain. I'm sitting here in my bed, which I haven't left today, wearing his clothes, surrounded by pictures, by the plushie toys he brought me, my night lamp... everything reminds me of him, everywhere I look I can see him, sitting in the chair on the computer, sleeping next to me, eating chicken in the kitchen... He is here everywhere, and if I fall asleep, he is in my dreams. I cannot really handle this situation and I don't know what to do. There's no happiness or joy left in me, there's no hope for my future. I wish I was better and stronger too, but I don't really know what to do about it, I don't see this state to ever end.
Please take care of yourself as well as you can, I am happy you have people around you that care for you, even if they cannot understand what you feel. Sometimes it's enough that you know that people are there for you, even if they can only sympathize and not empathize.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Hei all,

It feels very weird to post here, I've been lurking for approximately 5 weeks, learned so much about human suffering, death and methods to die. Many people here feel very familiar to me already even though you have no idea who I am.
I didn't want to make an account, actually. I just wanted to wait it out and then, at the end, die. But I'm so fragile by now, the stress is so huge, the fear of not being able to do it, I thought it might help if I could talk with someone, at some point, if anyone cares to listen.

I have no physical disability, I am diagnosed as depressed but I refuse to take medication (I'm a neuroscientist and as such I know how little we know about the brain and the effects of medication). I am anxiously attached, and the pain it causes is killing me (no pun intended). I cannot deal with my situation anymore.

I have met a wonderful man 3 years ago. And I want you to completely understand the meaning of the word wonderful here: He is smart as fuck, he is sexy as hell, he is kind, compassionate, just overall gorgeous. I fell in love with him the day I met him. And, over a period of 4 months, he also came to like me. We started to date. He has 4 children from a previous marriage and 50/50 custody of them. From day one he included me in his family, introduced me as his girlfriend. We spend every week he didn't have the kids together, as a close couple, just the two of us, and every other week with the kids, a huge family with loads of stuff going on, we had children's birthday parties, we went to the movies with them, to the trampoline park, swimming and of course hobbies and school etc. I am not saying it was easy, simple or trivial. Not at all. It is tough, that many children, everyone wants something else than the other one, everyone has their own needs, their own wants, their own tantrums. But it was at the same time wonderful, rewarding and at the end of every day I felt loved, content with myself and happy to fall asleep in his arms. It was the first time in my life that I had a family, a real, genuine family with warmth and love.
And I have lost him, I have lost all of them. The time with them was the first time in my life where life was worth living, where I had a purpose, where my existence had a meaning. This life, though tough, it quieted my depression. I could do something, I could function, I could do many many things in one day, not just one. And after about a year I felt loved and safe enough to go back to therapy to really work on myself, because I wanted to get even better, I wanted to become the person that would be able to fully function, no depression, no separation anxiety, no attachment disorder, so I could be the best possible version of myself and support to my partner, support for the kids in growing up. I wanted to develop the courage to talk with them not just about what they did today but also what they thought about it and how they felt about it. I wanted to be there for my partner, to help him heal from his baggage from his own past. I wanted to make everyone's life better, warmer, calmer. I dreamt of seeing the kids grow up, graduate, go to uni, get married, have children. I wanted to see my partner grow old, still smart and sexy as fuck because his attractiveness could never be touched by age.

He threw me out. 5 weeks ago, because we had an absolutely stupid and pointless and childish fight after a really stressful weekend. It had happened before, if we hang out together too much with kids and work stress piling up too high, at some point we get cranky and fight (always stupid little fights over trivial stuff). Then we take a week or two apart, talk it over and we're okay again. Now it's 5 weeks, he wrote me an Email saying he doesn't want a relationship, he also told me this last Friday. But.. I cannot handle it at all. I cannot cope with this. I cannot cope with the loss, with the self-hatred because I wasn't good enough, I didn't become the best I can be fast enough to be allowed to stay. I lost my whole family, everyone.
I have no one else, except one friend from work. And she today told me that I am so negative that she cannot be with me anymore, that she needs to look after her own mental health. And I understand that, she is right, she is wonderful and she deserves all the happiness in the world, not my negative bullshit all the time, I just cannot give it to her. Additionally, I have been given a grant for my studies for next year of 5000e. I need at least 20000e to survive, to pay my mortgage and my food, so January my salary drops from 1600/ month to 358/ month, so I will lose my loan, my apartment, I have nothing left, no home, no friend, no family, no love. All I can do is cry.

The only reason I'm still around is because I begged him, I literally begged him last Friday, to please reconsider and he said he will think about it but right now he needs time. So I am waiting for his answer. It will be negative. I see him every day at work, and he is having a great time, laughing with coworkers and chatting the day away. As soon as he sees me, his face gets cold, distant, he ends the conversation and walks away.
I cannot handle this, I cannot eat, I lost 9 kg in the last 5 weeks, I haven't been this light since I was 12 (now 33). I cannot sleep, if I fall asleep, I get very realistic dreams of the life I have lost, just.. simple things, making food with his youngest, watching a sports game of his eldest, going to a bookstore with him and the kids and checking out mugs, laughing… and when I wake up, alone in the dark, disorientated, not understanding what is going on, until reality hits again and I can do nothing but cry more. I cannot work, because if he is there, I just want to go and see him, as I used to, just give him a kiss, say hi, have lunch with him, see his face light up when I drop by. I have stopped therapy, I have nothing to say anymore except that I need to get him back or I need to die (here, no one cares if you say you want to die). I haven't done laundry for 5 weeks, I cannot stand the idea of washing my bed linen and sleeping in a bed he hasn't slept in. I haven't bought food, I don't have the energy to go anywhere, I don't want to eat anyway, my one and only friend came by once and brought me food out of pity, but that's it, living off of a few digestive cookies a day. I just want the pain to end.

So there's my sob story. I know there are a lot of people here that don't agree with this as a valid reason seeing as I am physically healthy. But please understand that I cannot go back to being single, pointless, purposeless and worthless old me again. I found something so profound I thought I would never find. A family, a whole family with 6 wonderful people in it, and they allowed me into their lives, they accepted me, and they accepted me for the person I was! And I... I destroyed it and I am not allowed to fix it! I feel like I'm falling and falling and falling, I'm screaming for help to anyone who will listen, but no one does. No one even wants to listen anymore. I just get 'Well, he decided to break up, you need to accept that and move on' 'It's just one guy, come on, find someone else, there are a million other guys out there!' And it's tearing me apart, I cannot talk to anyone who actually hears me, I cannot do anything to rectify the situation, I am terrified of being rejected and staying rejected, with Christmas coming up, New Years.. My attachment disorder doesn't allow me to think anything else. I cannot get him back, then I need to leave work anyway, I cannot function there anymore, then again I lose my apartment. So I will be homeless by the latest in February, unemployed and with the knowledge of what I've lost!

My method will be just meto+SN, no antacid, no painkillers, no sedatives (would love some though, but don't have any). I dislike it since I handle pentobarbital at work every day and would love to take a few bottles, but it's tightly regulated and kinda a shit move if I make life harder for those that will take over after me, so SN it is. I signed up to have someone to talk to, especially in the agonizing time between taking the SN and closing my eyes forever.

I'm sorry. I know how attachment can be like, especially when the other party poof. Many of us here would listen if you hang around to share, and we would support you in whatever you choose..

@GreyMonkey Thank you for your reply, I very much appreciate it! I'm a neuroscientist and have a minor in psychology, I've been studying attachment theory for years, have tons of books on it. But the knowledge doesn't unfortunately lead to any improvement emotionally. I know what I need to do, what I should do, how I should be and how I should feel. And I can do it, when I am safe. I can love myself and look after myself and put myself first, IF someone else loves me, too. And, that's the worst bit, I honestly believe he did love me. I have pictures (and now I'm crying again) where he looks absolutely happy and gorgeous, relaxed and .. just content and peaceful. And I realized that all these pictures are pictures where he is looking at me while he is taking a picture of me while I'm at the same time taking one of him.. and I've destroyed that! I tried so hard to this time use this genuine love from him to become the person he deserves, and I've failed. The self-hatred and loathing I feel towards myself now is indescribable. I just want him back and continue to become better.

@Soul thank you for your kind words, I love him and I understand he needs time. I would like to give him all the time he needs. He said he doesn't want a relationship because he needs to heal, he would have loved to meet me without his baggage and that he enjoys spending time with me. If that was sincere and not just to soften the blow, then I guess there is hope. And I think if he needs another month for himself, all to himself, I can deal, somehow. But I cannot pull this off for half a year, or a year. I want to be with my family for Christmas, for New Years. I know I need to change and work on myself, but I cannot do that without the support and the love I've felt. I feel guilty and like a complete failure. And I cannot talk to him about it because he blocks all conversation. I miss him so much.

Physician, heal thyself. Unfortunately from my own personal experience, knowledge doesn't help me to set myself free - self awareness doesn't mean we can cure ourselves.. I major in your minor...

Feel free to pm me for a chat.. that said, and I know it's easier said than done (because I've been dumped and lied to more times than i want to remember), it's no point begging for the affection of someone who no longer cares. I know it's hard and I'm sorry.. *hugs*

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Hi. I relate so much to your story and to a lot of the stories in this thread so much it hurts. I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I truly understand the pain of loosing a relationship that meant the world to you. Anyone who is going thru this feel free to pm me.

I struggle with physical pain and health issues too as one of my reasons for ctb but nothing has come close to bringing me down as much as the loss of my last relationship did. I can truly relate to where everyone is coming from. The day I joined this site was the day I found out he cheated and moved on. I just snapped. Something broke inside me. The whole relationship had been a volatile push and pull type thing I was never good enough for him. He would ignore me for days or weeks on end. He couldn't cope with my negativity, my Asperger's or my cptsd from my past abuse. My whole life revolves around him and bring loved and accepted by him. I think it definitely has something to do with not feeling loved by my dad. I become very attached and hang on to a failing relationship at all costs.

The sad thing is he knew he fucked up and asked me to come back. He knows I truly love him and he was cruel to do what he did. So I did...I went back to him. I'm pathetic I know. I put all of my value in life on whether or not I'm with someone or in a relationship or not. Everyone told me I was a fool to go back to him. Maybe so. Because here we are with another fight that went pretty bad and I'm expecting the worst. He is furious with me. I just can't handle breaking up again. I have too much physical pain and mentally I can't cope.

 

[noctiva]

@PDAnnie2610 Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it. Healing myself isn't possible anymore, I tried for years, but there is no point anymore in trying. I've lost the only warm family I've ever had. I don't think I can get over that. I had it all, love, warmth, kindness, acceptance, support and being allowed to support, and I lost it, and I didn't see it coming at all. We had fights before, sure, every couple has them, and all fights, to be honest, were stupid based on being overly tired and exhausted and making a mountain out of a molehill. And, so was the last fight we had. It was just both of us venting because we were tired and cranky and exhausted from the stressful weekend. But something must have shifted in him, and I didn't see it, and I didn't fix it in time. And I need to fix it, it is the most important thing for me to do, to fix it. But I'm losing hope, I have no channel open for communication, I am not allowed to go to his place, he doesn't message or call (not that I do, not at all, he asked for time so I cannot message or call him, I think?). I am thinking of just ending it, but I'm scared that this will be just days short of him wanting to talk to me, and then I miss it. I wrote him a long goodbye letter, to explain everything.

@Raven Moon I'm sorry to hear of your struggles! I know I cannot deal with the loss, so I'm still calling him my partner. And to be fair, I don't know what the situation is at the moment, I asked him to think about it and he said he will. So.. I don't know where I'm at. But I need to keep thinking about him as my partner, otherwise I will lose my mind. I'm sorry you are additionally to this excruciating mental pain also struggling with physical pain. Feel hugged and know that you're understood here.

Everyone reading this: Please be kind to yourself, I wish you all the best.