Venting Lonely

[EternalHunger]

Can't sleep at all, and I'm not sure how I feel right now as my head is constantly just... Elsewhere. All I know is that I'm just incredibly lonely, and talking to people who superficially like the surface of me won't help my mood in any way. I think about it a lot, and I think I've only ever had one person I've genuinely considered to have been close to me in my whole life, only one where I felt the 'love' or whatever it was genuinely reaching me, yet I was the one who messed that up; I hardly care about anyone else outside of that one person as they were the only one that genuinely saw through me for who I really was. Only one where I genuinely felt real, when I spent so much of my life so so far away from the rest of the world

Now I just feel lost, so incredibly lost; one friendship overruled any future romantic or platonic 'relationship' I had, burnt crisp into my psyche and I just freak out when I think of the prospect that I'll never have such an emotional connection again. That'll I'm forced back into feeling as though I lost absolute sense of reality and only briefly exist for a moment, to struggling to feel any and all emotion; in a sense that I feel a bit out of control, like my body is clearly experiencing some feeling that I don't personally feel at all. Being with them made me feel so so alive, I hate myself so much for breaking off from them but it's best someone like them stays away from a guy like me; I'm just a cruel sick monster that is stuck in my childhood and a bad person that ruined even my own mother's life just by being born, I constantly hurt and hurt others if I went on long enough it would've happened with him as well, I just hope he's still safe with his brothers and family.

I feel sick.

 

[westerly_merlin]

Can't sleep at all, and I'm not sure how I feel right now as my head is constantly just... Elsewhere. All I know is that I'm just incredibly lonely, and talking to people who superficially like the surface of me won't help my mood in any way. I think about it a lot, and I think I've only ever had one person I've genuinely considered to have been close to me in my whole life, only one where I felt the 'love' or whatever it was genuinely reaching me, yet I was the one who messed that up; I hardly care about anyone else outside of that one person as they were the only one that genuinely saw through me for who I really was. Only one where I genuinely felt real, when I spent so much of my life so so far away from the rest of the world

Now I just feel lost, so incredibly lost; one friendship overruled any future romantic or platonic 'relationship' I had, burnt crisp into my psyche and I just freak out when I think of the prospect that I'll never have such an emotional connection again. That'll I'm forced back into feeling as though I lost absolute sense of reality and only briefly exist for a moment, to struggling to feel any and all emotion; in a sense that I feel a bit out of control, like my body is clearly experiencing some feeling that I don't personally feel at all. Being with them made me feel so so alive, I hate myself so much for breaking off from them but it's best someone like them stays away from a guy like me; I'm just a cruel sick monster that is stuck in my childhood and a bad person that ruined even my own mother's life just by being born, I constantly hurt and hurt others if I went on long enough it would've happened with him as well, I just hope he's still safe with his brothers and family.

I feel sick.

You sound like you are reading my mind

I once told my therapist it was my fault my Mum and Dad got married as she became pregnant with me so they were forced to get married.

 

[littleearthquakes]

I feel the same way. I've lost everyone I really cared about and was ever close to and I'm so traumatized and sick and disabled now the chances I'll ever find someone who cares about me again and can handle my issues are so small. It breaks my heart. There are a couple people I still miss so badly too and it's ruined with and it haunts me.