Venting Lonely in my own Hell

[C:/]

Tonight has been a wild ride. I have gone through so many thoughts all conflicting one another.

I just feel so alone in my struggles, like there is no one that can truly help me through this grave I have dug for myself. All I do nowadays is listen to music and sulk in my room. I may be around friends and family, but I have never felt so alone in my life. They all say "I am there for you" but it doesn't matter if I tell them the truth. Nothing will change. I am stuck in a constant loop of falling deeper into a pit of hell of my own making, experiencing nothing but melancholic thoughts. I haven't felt real emotions in months, fuck maybe even years. I don't get excited over things like vacations or events, I know the happiness will be temporary and I will be back to the nihilistic normalcy after a couple hours. I want an escape to this, a meaning to go on. Every morning when I wake up it is just the thought, "Damn, I'm awake?" and reluctantly getting out of bed to continue this path of mental torture.

The only self percieved characteristic I have of my self is being a burden, as highlighted from previous posts. Earlier in my life I strived to not be one, but by now I have just accepted it. I broke down in tears because my parents said that I am taking advantage of them and seriously considered ctbing that night. They all expect me to be perfectly fine now, but I have been struggling so fucking hard recently.

I just want to cry. I want a hug.

 

[NambaSutra]

For the record I consider you lucky to have friends, vacations, and events. I'm stuck in a hell of my own mind where I have none of these things. I pushed away every friend in the distant past with my own selfishness. I can walk by a restaurant and think "I'll never eat there again" while I think of suicide.

But I don't judge your pain. We all have pain for our own reasons. I hope you find peace with yours.

 

[OceanBlue]

I broke down in tears because my parents said that I am taking advantage of them and seriously considered ctbing that night.

The audacity of breeders

Use everything they have, feel no guilt over it, and sue them for bringing you into existence to suffer and die.

 

[Deleted member 31858]

I am very sorry about how you feel, I fully understand what it is like not being able to feel happiness or enjoy the things you used to enjoy, as well as not feeling anything, in reality I have never felt what true happiness is for even a moment. Maybe you can't or don't want to talk to your friends and family about it, but here you will always find someone who can empathize with you and be there when you need it (I include myself, my dm is open to you) I also perfectly understand what it's like to feel like a burden for the family and the worst thing is when they tell you up front, it makes you feel much worse. Crying is good, you let off steam a lot and although things don't go away, when you finish you feel a bit of relief. I send you a big hug.

 

[SoftWorries]

I was mostly pushed out of my family by my parents and had to painfully cut the ties completely two years ago. I'd be dead by now if I hadn't.

If any relationship makes you want to die you should consider ending the relationship if possible. Better than ending your life over stupid people.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound tiring what you have to endure, it's true that it really can be torture feeling trapped in this cruel world, waking up and realising that I'm still here really is something so horrible to me. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[SilentSadness]

Your parents must be horrible to accuse you of taking advantage of them, but sadly that is how most parents are. It is so unfortunate that we are trapped here, all alone and in hell. I hope you find peace, but for now it definitely is torture to exist here.