Venting Lonely but pushing everyone away

[kunikuzushi]

It's so lonely living every day knowing I have to die soon. I'm doing everything I can to not feel things so deeply anymore. But I have people in my life who are trying to get emotionally closer to me/trying to maintain friendships, but I keep pushing them away because I really really really don't want to deal with feelings and attachments anymore. But it's leaving me so lonely. What if I can't find the courage to ctb soon? I know I can't live for much longer, but what if I just can't do it? Then I'll be left completely alone.

 

[Kit1]

You sound incredibly sad and I am so sorry that you are going through this. Have you been diagnosed with anything like autism? Have you explored why you don't want to deal with feelings and attachments anymore? It is a bit of an unfair question as you have specifically said that you don't want to, but just wondering if you be being exploring if there are any challenges where ther are actually any resolutions that might help you.., Remember that you always have a safe space here to vent and talk things through as well..,

 

[kunikuzushi]

You sound incredibly sad and I am so sorry that you are going through this. Have you been diagnosed with anything like autism? Have you explored why you don't want to deal with feelings and attachments anymore? It is a bit of an unfair question as you have specifically said that you don't want to, but just wondering if you be being exploring if there are any challenges where ther are actually any resolutions that might help you.., Remember that you always have a safe space here to vent and talk things through as well..,

Thanks so much. I've been working with therapists on my cluster B personality disorder traits. I also have spent years working on it by myself. But I'm so tired, and it's only getting worse and worse. I don't want to deal with attachments anymore because I either feel like I'm dying when I feel like I'm losing someone, or I feel so detached from people that I just don't care about them and feel like they're emotionally suffocating me. So trying to form connections with people is just painful, but I still desire comfort from people so much. Thank you again for listening and for your words.

 

[lunchbox]

Cluster B Personality Disorder traits are very exhausting for both parties, so I understand how you feel.

Letting them become emotionally close to you amplifies the intensity of the emotions, which can lead you to being impatient or frustrated with them even if you don't want to be.

Pushing them away only leaves you dissociated and guilty, but at least can give you some space and clarity over what you really want to do. Taking some time to be alone is very difficult but sometimes necessary, and hopefully those around you can appreciate that.

There is no right way to manage these relationships, but just try your best to explain how you feel and stay in the adult-ego.