Freedent
art hoe
- Apr 19, 2020
- 42
The only thing keeping me here, like most of us i believe, is the guilt to leave my loved ones in great pain that might scar them forever. The thing is, the more time passes, the more i feel like that might not be the case if take the bus.
I have an abusive mother, who loves me but honestly, i don't really care if she does get hurt. She pretty much had it coming.
I have an older brother who sexually abused me when i was a child. I couldn't give a shit if this hurts him in the slightest, i might even put this in my letter if i have the balls.
I have a little sister whom i care for a lot, but you know, you get over grieving your siblings. I have friends who lost siblings, it was painful, but they got over it eventually.
The only person that i actually care for and that cares for me is my father.
But how pathetic is that ? How pathetic is it to have only one person that you might scar forever if you go ?
I have a lot of "friends", people who look up to me, hit me up to hang out and such. None of them actually does care deeply about me. But i do, i do care very much about them. I don't show it, but i do. And i know they don't feel the same, i'm just a "cool kid" they want to hang out with for validation, to feel like they have a social life, to feel cool or whatever.
I don't have a significant other. I never have. I've dated, per say, but i didn't really care about the persons i were with. I have never been in a relationship with someone i love. I've never been in love. But i just want to feel held. I just want someone that cares, that really does deeply care about me and loves me to hold me tight in his or her arms. Someone that isn't related to me, because those people are forced to love me. I want someone to think i am worthy of love and to love them back. I just want to hug them and cry all my tears, and i feel like my sorrow might go away. Because right now, i don't really feel like anything else than some shallow social link that doesn't have anything deep or worthy to offer to someone. Even tho i have, so, so much love to give. And the more time passes, the more i feel like i'll never actually feel love, genuine love, that isn't from my father. And i think that in that case, i really have nothing to live for. I don't know how much longer i can wait. I just want to feel seen, heard and held. That's all i want. That's all i need to stay alive, even for a year more. I don't know. I'm so lonely. So, so lonely, not matter how many people there are around me.
I have an abusive mother, who loves me but honestly, i don't really care if she does get hurt. She pretty much had it coming.
I have an older brother who sexually abused me when i was a child. I couldn't give a shit if this hurts him in the slightest, i might even put this in my letter if i have the balls.
I have a little sister whom i care for a lot, but you know, you get over grieving your siblings. I have friends who lost siblings, it was painful, but they got over it eventually.
The only person that i actually care for and that cares for me is my father.
But how pathetic is that ? How pathetic is it to have only one person that you might scar forever if you go ?
I have a lot of "friends", people who look up to me, hit me up to hang out and such. None of them actually does care deeply about me. But i do, i do care very much about them. I don't show it, but i do. And i know they don't feel the same, i'm just a "cool kid" they want to hang out with for validation, to feel like they have a social life, to feel cool or whatever.
I don't have a significant other. I never have. I've dated, per say, but i didn't really care about the persons i were with. I have never been in a relationship with someone i love. I've never been in love. But i just want to feel held. I just want someone that cares, that really does deeply care about me and loves me to hold me tight in his or her arms. Someone that isn't related to me, because those people are forced to love me. I want someone to think i am worthy of love and to love them back. I just want to hug them and cry all my tears, and i feel like my sorrow might go away. Because right now, i don't really feel like anything else than some shallow social link that doesn't have anything deep or worthy to offer to someone. Even tho i have, so, so much love to give. And the more time passes, the more i feel like i'll never actually feel love, genuine love, that isn't from my father. And i think that in that case, i really have nothing to live for. I don't know how much longer i can wait. I just want to feel seen, heard and held. That's all i want. That's all i need to stay alive, even for a year more. I don't know. I'm so lonely. So, so lonely, not matter how many people there are around me.
