loneliness, illness and family

[hereisnow234]

I'm sorry I can't type much due to my disability.

I have shared my wish to die with my parents as my illness is deteriorating. I have been met with a lot of hostility. I know they love me and this is just their 'stuff' coming out, but i've also been deeply hurt that they can't hold me in my suffering and be there for me. And understand that it's not because im weak but just that im in immense pain.

I wish they could support me right up to the end, without overstepping a legal boundary, and it hurts that they are 'abandoning' me when i actually need love most.

My condition isn't medically explained beyond a lose label of 'ME' and so i believe they see me as weak willed.

i am increasingly disabled and trying to carry everything on my own emotionally and practically to give myself peace to die is crushing me.

can anyone relate?

i am still attempting to source sn despite my difficulty using IT

 

[Meowsies]

I feel you. It's really hard for people who haven't experienced mental illness themselves to know how to give support when you're in this type of situation. I wish people were more emotionally intelligent.

 

[hereisnow234]

thanks , it's not mental illness but i feel you on this account also. i know how supportive i'd be to them if they came to me in this much pain, and it hurts they just react with their own fear of losing me / re-enactments of their trauma, instead of actually being with the person who is suffering.

i have a post viral encephalitis combined with ME which is causing me intense physical and emotional/ mental discomfort and pain.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you've suffered a lot, existence really is too cruel to me. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope that you find peace.

 

[Bear1234]

im sorry friend, im battling a chronic illness and i see you and i hear you. The truth is, suicide will never be something acceptable in the eyes of your family or friends that love you so much. It just won't, mostly because they aren't the ones immensely suffering the way you are. But none of that comes from a bad place. The reason this sucks because CTB is the hardest thing to do and its a moment where you would want someone to hold your hand and love you and tell you its gonna be okay because CTB is scary but unfortunately that won't be possible. So you have to realize that one day you are gonna have to be strong enough to do CTB all alone and thats okay too. Its just not easy. I hope that you get a miracle and heal so that you don't have to face such a reality. you deserve better, we all do. Sending my love.

 

[hereisnow234]

thank you bear. that was really kind and heartfelt. it's exactly that - it's so scary and i want them to help me emotionally with it, but they seize up so bad. i'm not asking them to do it for me or be present at the moment it happens, but more like just discuss it with me, help reduce the fear, stop clinging so much to denial of my pain which is so intense. i'd like to have a peaceful hospice style few days / weeks while i still can instead of fighting and despair when i bring it up

i'm not fundamentally depressed in the sense that i used to enjoy life before getting SO unwell. and i mean really squeezing the last little bits like sitting in sunlight or noticing a caterpillar… so i wish they'd therefore realise how much intense suffering i'm in in order to be closing in on this.

but thank you bear, hearing love from someone in this situation really helps. we all here need love most of all, even if we don't have the necesssary life apparatus to metabolise and sustain ourselves on it anymore.
honestly that was the most warm and heartfelt thing i've felt in weeks . thank you for hearing me, stranger. i'm sending you love back. i hope you get a miracle too.

It sounds like you've suffered a lot, existence really is too cruel to me. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope that you find peace.

thank you