Living with the Grief

[Isadeth]

I can't begin to describe in accurate detail what it feels like to lose a child. It's a club that nobody wants to join, but once you're a member, you're a member for life.

Everyday their loss is evident and your soul is broken. You're barely holding on and you take the day second by second to try to ground yourself to be able to function without becoming a weeping mess on the floor.

I've been trying very hard to maintain an outer exterior of strength, but it's a lie. I am screaming and flailing on the inside but nobody can see.

You see, tomorrow is my son's anniversary of passing away. I struggle to breathe at the thought. So much time has passed, yet time has stood still in that moment forever. Combating the flashbacks of that day fail miserably, and ironically I see psych the day after.

I miss him. I miss so many things. I miss the potential of his future, the hugs and kisses I'll never recieve, the milestones that I was robbed of---that he was robbed of. I'm a shell of who I used to be and I hate it.

I hate everything about this time of year. I had planned to leave tomorrow. Keep up a brave and cheerful demeanor until then, then exit on a seemingly high note.

I only mention it as I don't want to hurt those around me. I have two living children, but my heart hurts so badly and I just want it to stop. I never wanted to pass during the winter. I feel it's such an inconvenience to those I care about, but I'm less and less concerned each year.

I've felt utterly lonely. I never drink; however, last night I made an exception. I planned it as a one last hurrah. Drink, laugh, converse with lovely people then just disappear tomorrow. At this moment I've decided not to, but that's only in this moment. I'm only human after all.

My soul hurts.

What I wouldn't give for the past back. I'm sure a lot of us, regardless of reasons, wish the same.

It snowed today. It snowed when he passed too. Tomorrow, I plan to go to the cemetery and just weep. Maybe that's what I need... to let it all out. I'm afraid of what that looks like. Not long after he died I slashed my wrists and obviously that didn't work. So I used self harm to cope for the months after. I haven't cut in quite a while, but the urge is always there. My eating disorder has been wreaking havoc since I'm not hungry. Unfortunately, I lost almost 10 lbs in a week... which isn't unlike me but it wasn't intentional. I'm not in a good place and my thoughts are racing.

I'd write more but it's hard to see as I've been crying writing this. I need a distraction. I need a hug. I need my son.

I'm so broken.

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm so sorry for your loss. As a mom I can imagine the depth of loss, and I can feel your pain in your writing. Sending so many hugs. I'm always here if you want to talk.

 

[justsad&done]

Your words are beautiful and touching and your love for your son shines through in your writing. Your strength for your other two children is remarkable. I wish I had a time machine. I would find you and help you get back to a time when you could be with your son.
I'm sure your heart is heavy at the thought of leaving your children. This I understand. I have not much to offer but hugs, warm thoughts, an ear to listen if you need it, and some love.

 

[Isadeth]

I'm so sorry for your loss. As a mom I can imagine the depth of loss, and I can feel your pain in your writing. Sending so many hugs. I'm always here if you want to talk.

Thank you, rosey ♡

Your words are beautiful and touching and your love for your son shines through in your writing. Your strength for your other two children is remarkable. I wish I had a time machine. I would find you and help you get back to a time when you could be with your son.
I'm sure your heart is heavy at the thought of leaving your children. This I understand. I have not much to offer but hugs, warm thoughts, an ear to listen if you need it, and some love.

Thank you ♡

 

[foxdie]

Oh Isadeth I'm so sorry for your loss, not that this is much comfort. I can't even imagine your pain. There are no words. You have shown such great strength supressing your SH urges and while also staying strong for others despite this horrible grief. I don't know what advice to give but if you think going to the cemetery and letting it all out will help you should. Do whatever you need to cope although I will make a selfish request that you try not to harm yourself. But what can I even say, not having such a gaping hole in my heart. Sending love and hugs and know my DMs are always open with all my random commentary included. Stay strong because you have been thus far.

 

[Isadeth]

Oh Isadeth I'm so sorry for your loss, not that this is much comfort. I can't even imagine your pain. There are no words. You have shown such great strength supressing your SH urges and while also staying strong for others despite this horrible grief. I don't know what advice to give but if you think going to the cemetery and letting it all out will help you should. Do whatever you need to cope although I will make a selfish request that you try not to harm yourself. But what can I even say, not having such a gaping hole in my heart. Sending love and hugs and know my DMs are always open with all my random commentary included. Stay strong because you have been thus far.

Thank you ♡ I go every year to the cemetery, it's all that I can do anymore.

 

[foxdie]

Thank you ♡ I go every year to the cemetery, it's all that I can do anymore.

That also shows great strength, facing your grief like that. I can't even imagine, I feel I would just run and hide and try to suppress it. Big kudos to you sister for being so strong

 

[Isadeth]

That also shows great strength, facing your grief like that. I can't even imagine, I feel I would just run and hide and try to suppress it. Big kudos to you sister for being so strong

The strength is an illusion. But I really appreciate the sentiment. I wish I could hide from it, but I feel that shows dishonor to him and his memory.

 

[Weary Soul]

Hugs and love to you Isadeth, losing a child is horrific.

 

[Isadeth]

Hugs and love to you Isadeth, losing a child is horrific.

Thank you, I agree. ♡ I would trade places if I could.

 

[Deleted member 24434]

There's nothing I could ever say to even remotely make things better. I am crying reading this as I'm a parent and I just can't imagine the pain of such a loss. I'm keeping you and your precious child in my thoughts. Sending gentle hugs

 

[Passersby]

Hi Isadeth,
I remember you. Sorry about your son. I can feel your pain in your writing. I wish I could make it better for you. Here is a virtually hug. It's all I got. . I can relate to the racing thoughts since I deal with them too. When your fighting things like that it makes it impossible to concentrate. Distraction is what I do every moment I'm alive. It's a mind game fighting these things. Hope you feel better.

 

[Isadeth]

There's nothing I could ever say to even remotely make things better. I am crying reading this as I'm a parent and I just can't imagine the pain of such a loss. I'm keeping you and your precious child in my thoughts. Sending gentle hugs

Thank you ♡ I'm sorry to make you cry too. I just needed to get it out. I'm dreading tomorrow. I hope you never experience the death of a child. It's unnatural in my opinion (as a parent). It destroys the order of life as we assume it'll be.

Hi Isadeth,
I remember you. Sorry about your son. I can feel your pain in your writing. I wish I could make it better for you. Here is a virtually hug. It's all I got. . I can relate to the racing thoughts since I deal with them too. When your fighting things like that it makes it impossible to concentrate. Distraction is what I do every moment I'm alive. It's a mind game fighting these things. Hope you feel better.

Thank you ♡ I didn't think I was someone to remember, but I hope it's positive. Xx. Usually I read an unhealthy amount as a distraction. I bet I've read over 100 books as well as articles and case studies in 2020. It's one way to slow them down. I hope you're able to slow your thoughts too ♡

 

[it's_all_a_game]

I feel so sorry for you. I imagine it must be hard to lose someone you raised. I'm afraid my mom will not be able to get over my ctb as well.

 

[Donk]

Can't imagine what it's like to lose child. I'm sorry for your loss. We are here to support you as you grief the death of your son. I hope you can keep going for your two kids. All the best and sending a hug.

 

[Isadeth]

I feel so sorry for you. I imagine it must be hard to lose someone you raised. I'm afraid my mom will not be able to get over my ctb as well.

Thank you. It's not remotely easy. You learn to live as a different person. And as a mom, I can tell you she will be devastated. It will change her.

Can't imagine what it's like to lose child. I'm sorry for your loss. We are here to support you as you grief the death of your son. I hope you can keep going for your two kids. All the best and sending a hug.

Thank you ♡ I'm trying, but honestly it's really hard. It's hard all the time. But this time of year is the worst. I am just taking the day second by second. I appreciate your well wishes. ♡

 

[312]

I truly am sorry for your son and because you are in this condition, you can clearly see your son in this outburst, I just hope you find your peace and make the best decisions, as we will always be here and feel embraced and welcomed.

 

[Frauw]

Dealing with the deaths of loved ones is never easy, and can sometimes be a lifelong battle to come to terms with, sadly there isn't much that can be done than to mourn and try to find some peace with the event.

 

[Miss_Takes]

My heart to yours

 

[lastfookingstraw]

Having been on and off suicidal for almost a decade, I have spent a ridiculous amount of time reading up on what happens to people who commit suicide in the afterlife. In doing so, I've seen / listened to a lot of mediums. Have you considered using one to make contact with your son?

Many, many parents have been given incredible comfort from using a gifted medium.

I highly recommend the following site :-

Best Psychic Directory: Reviews Of Psychics & Psychic Mediums |

You can read real reviews by real people.

God bless you Isadeth.

 

[Stolen Absolution]

@Isadeth I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you. I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling. I wish I had the right words of comfort, but I know they cannot suffice. My parents lost a child a few years back. Meaning, yes, I lost a sibling. My mom and I spend a lot of our spare time at the cemetery. It's a grief unlike anything we've ever known. I say this not to detract from your story, but to relate and let you know you're not alone. I wish I could take this pain from you.

Message me anytime if you'd like to chat.