PanickedMelancholia
¶Nothing really matters¶
- Nov 10, 2022
- 12
For as long as I can remember I've had this constant feeling of dread. It varies in it's intensity from time to time. Sometimes it's so bad it overtakes my mind. I can't think of anything else and it's like there are hundreds of voices screaming more and more reasons to be scared, making up increasingly scary scenarios, building upon that dread till i can't even see what's in front of me, till I can't hear anything but those voices.
I'd only recently found out I've been living with a panic disorder from a very tender age. It felt comforting in a way when I did. To be able to put a name, an explanation to this paralyzing curse that had basically ruled my life and still does.
After finding out what it was, I figured I had to have gotten it somehow. I thought long and hard about it. Then it hit me... This fear I've been plagued with originated from the indoctrination I went through since before I could form words. Stories of hell, satan, demons, a cruel world, a God that would punish you at the slightest wrong, rapture, eternal torment, an inevitable judgment, being constantly watched. What did they think that would do to a child's mind? It destroyed me.
I remember quite vividly some disturbing moments from my childhood, back when I still strongly believed all the religious crap I was told. I remember the nightmares I had, of the trumpet going off and rapture happening, me never once being prepared or holy enough to ascend, always left behind. I remember being thrown into a heart clenching panic attack even time the sky started to darken with rain, every night the moon shone a little too brightly, anytime I'd hear the sound of a trumpet being played, every time I'd see stars in the night sky, whenever I'd hear of a natural disaster or an unfortunate event and my mum would say 'these are signs of the end time, we have to be prepared'. All these seemingly normal, mundane things reminded me of all the horror stories read to me from the Bible of what God would inflict on this earth when he decides it's time.
I remember how I would stare intently at the sun, ignoring the burning in my eyes because i wanted to make sure it was still the shape of a circle and not a man riding a horse as the bible said it would be when he came.
All these I did as a child, I lived in constant fear, constantly nitpicked everything I did. Constantly searching myself for faults, never letting myself breathe if I could help it. I never wanted to be left behind in real life like I was in my dreams.
I ended up developing an OCD, where I would constantly say 'god forbid' in my head whenever I had a negative thought or I or someone else said something negative. Sometimes I'd have to say it several times until I don't hear the voices screaming, telling me something awful would happen if I didn't.
I suffer from Religious Trauma Syndrome. I want more people to know about it, I want more people to realize how sinister indoctrination can actually be.
I'll stop here for now, i feel I've already written too much. I've wanted to share this for so long now. I feel a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
I'd only recently found out I've been living with a panic disorder from a very tender age. It felt comforting in a way when I did. To be able to put a name, an explanation to this paralyzing curse that had basically ruled my life and still does.
After finding out what it was, I figured I had to have gotten it somehow. I thought long and hard about it. Then it hit me... This fear I've been plagued with originated from the indoctrination I went through since before I could form words. Stories of hell, satan, demons, a cruel world, a God that would punish you at the slightest wrong, rapture, eternal torment, an inevitable judgment, being constantly watched. What did they think that would do to a child's mind? It destroyed me.
I remember quite vividly some disturbing moments from my childhood, back when I still strongly believed all the religious crap I was told. I remember the nightmares I had, of the trumpet going off and rapture happening, me never once being prepared or holy enough to ascend, always left behind. I remember being thrown into a heart clenching panic attack even time the sky started to darken with rain, every night the moon shone a little too brightly, anytime I'd hear the sound of a trumpet being played, every time I'd see stars in the night sky, whenever I'd hear of a natural disaster or an unfortunate event and my mum would say 'these are signs of the end time, we have to be prepared'. All these seemingly normal, mundane things reminded me of all the horror stories read to me from the Bible of what God would inflict on this earth when he decides it's time.
I remember how I would stare intently at the sun, ignoring the burning in my eyes because i wanted to make sure it was still the shape of a circle and not a man riding a horse as the bible said it would be when he came.
All these I did as a child, I lived in constant fear, constantly nitpicked everything I did. Constantly searching myself for faults, never letting myself breathe if I could help it. I never wanted to be left behind in real life like I was in my dreams.
I ended up developing an OCD, where I would constantly say 'god forbid' in my head whenever I had a negative thought or I or someone else said something negative. Sometimes I'd have to say it several times until I don't hear the voices screaming, telling me something awful would happen if I didn't.
I suffer from Religious Trauma Syndrome. I want more people to know about it, I want more people to realize how sinister indoctrination can actually be.
I'll stop here for now, i feel I've already written too much. I've wanted to share this for so long now. I feel a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
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