Discussion Living with Self-Loathing

[Polyxo]

There are times when I definitely feel like my self-loathing is passionate. Times when all I can think about is how disgusting I am and even being enraged about how each breath of oxygen I take would have been better spent in someone else's lungs.

But in the moments in between, it manifests in other ways that I don't even think about. For example, being unable to look at myself in the mirror for too long, dressing in clothes that make me feel less seen, diverting conversations to make other people the subject matter... At those points, it's just habit. I live my daily life hand-in-hand with my self-loathing. It's normal. Yes, I hate myself. Soon enough I will do something about it, but until then, here I am acknowledging these feelings as a part of me, and simply existing with them.

If you have low self-esteem, how often does most your energy go toward it? How much of your actual time is spent actively hating yourself as a focus? Is there passion to it? How does it manifest in your daily life? Are you functional despite it?

 

[ma0]

A lot of what you said relates to me pretty well, especially with diverting conversations to not be about yourself.

I despise talking about myself, mainly because I don't want to appear egotistical, even when other people ask, but also because my life is incredibly uneventful, and it makes me realise truly how much I'm wasting my days. Hearing other people blabber on about their own livesmakes for an easy conversation topic where you don't have to think too hard about much. I don't really like thinking, either.

Shit, I just talked about myself didn't I?

 

[Polyxo]

A lot of what you said relates to me pretty well, especially with diverting conversations to not be about yourself.

I despise talking about myself, mainly because I don't want to appear egotistical, even when other people ask, but also because my life is incredibly uneventful, and it makes me realise truly how much I'm wasting my days. Hearing other people blabber on about their own livesmakes for an easy conversation topic where you don't have to think too hard about much. I don't really like thinking, either.

Shit, I just talked about myself didn't I?

Hi ma0, thanks for your reply! I think if there's any place you can feel alright talking about yourself, it's here. I'm really glad to know I'm not alone in these feelings.

I really relate to realizing how uneventful my life is compared to others. Hearing about all the exciting things others have done in their lives makes me feel happy, but it doesn't take long before I have to sit with the fact that I've missed out on so much and it's entirely my fault for being so averse to new things.

Listening to other people talk is much easier, I agree, especially knowing how much other people love to talk about themselves. Letting others take center stage most of the time at least earns you the title of a great listener, if you're not already invisible to them lol.

 

[ma0]

Hi ma0, thanks for your reply! I think if there's any place you can feel alright talking about yourself, it's here. I'm really glad to know I'm not alone in these feelings.

I really relate to realizing how uneventful my life is compared to others. Hearing about all the exciting things others have done in their lives makes me feel happy, but it doesn't take long before I have to sit with the fact that I've missed out on so much and it's entirely my fault for being so averse to new things.

Listening to other people talk is much easier, I agree, especially knowing how much other people love to talk about themselves. Letting others take center stage most of the time at least earns you the title of a great listener, if you're not already invisible to them lol.

Lol at this point I wouldn't be surprised if I'm just a second thought towards others. Whenever it's just me and someone else it always becomes so awkward the second they run out of things to say. I don't blame people for wanting a more engaging experience :P