Venting Living while suicidal

[Lra888]

The knowledge that i'm taking my own life soon puts a very strange atmosphere over all waking moments. In my head i'm relieved to go, thinking about my methods, all the pain I will be freed from etc. I also feel immense depression like i'm living in purgatory and needing to get out of this horrible place. It's like i'm in a surreal nightmare at times.

 

[starcrossedfate]

We're not "living." We're more dead than even zombies. We don't even hunger. We can only process the most primal and basic of emotions: fear.

Not just any kind of fear. A perpetual, restless fear.

 

[Shay]

The knowledge that i'm taking my own life soon puts a very strange atmosphere over all waking moments. In my head i'm relieved to go, thinking about my methods, all the pain I will be freed from etc. I also feel immense depression like i'm living in purgatory and needing to get out of this horrible place. It's like i'm in a surreal nightmare at times.

I feel like this is surreal for me. I've only been suicidal for 4 mo. Never before that. I keep saying to my husband "can you believe this is me. I was always the happy one"

 

[Lra888]

We're not "living." We're more dead than even zombies. We don't even hunger. We can only process the most primal and basic of emotions: fear.

Not just any kind of fear. A perpetual, restless fear.

It is fear. A sick feeling in my stomach whenever i'm awake, all day. Trapped in a life I cannot continue and needing to work up the courage to end it. It's exhausting.

 

[Shay]

It is fear. A sick feeling in my stomach whenever i'm awake, all day. Trapped in a life I cannot continue and needing to work up the courage to end it. It's exhausting.

I feel THAT too. I am anxious and shaking most of the day. I'm only calmed by researching methods. I feel trapped. I can't do anything to improve my situation. And it takes all my energy to get through one day. It's horrible. And I hate this.

 

[Lra888]

I feel THAT too. I am anxious and shaking most of the day. I'm only calmed by researching methods. I feel trapped. I can't do anything to improve my situation. And it takes all my energy to get through one day. It's horrible. And I hate this.

Researching calms me as well. I compulsively read methods looking for an easier way out of this. It's excruciating being awake at times.

 

[Shay]

I feel THAT too. I am anxious and shaking most of the day. I'm only calmed by researching methods. I feel trapped. I can't do anything to improve my situation. And it takes all my energy to get through one day. It's horrible. And I hate this.

Not to mention bc I live in NYC I can hear neighbors going about their lives so easily. So it's constant reminder of what I've lost. I hear people and kids on the street and everyone sounds happy and they sound full of life. Making plans and having conversations like nothing is wrong. Bc it isn't, for them

 

[Lra888]

Not to mention bc I live in NYC I can hear neighbors going about their lives so easily. So it's constant reminder of what I've lost. I hear people and kids on the street and everyone sounds happy and they sound full of life. Making plans and having conversations like nothing is wrong. Bc it isn't for them

Exactly. Seeing happy healthy people living reminds me how horrible things have gotten for me, how I can never have a life and how trapped I am.

 

[0blivi0n]

It's not living- I couldn't call it that. I don't know what this life is. Each day finds a new way to drag you down lower; if it were a checklist, I don't think it would have an end. And I hate how it feels like no one else can see it, just how screwed up & vile things are. It's like you can't even breathe without the next chapter of 'What's going to fuck up this time' starting all over again. And it's inescapable; because not all problems are solvable. I guess they're right when they say, its a living hell.
Being suicidal to me feels like a huge void that keeps eating away at everything. I need to kill it before it hurts someone other than me.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

It's like i'm in a surreal nightmare at times.

That's what's really holding us back.

It's so unbelievably awful to even live that we can't believe it. Everyday we wake up again, surely it's not that bad is it? Every evening we see that yes, it is that bad and worse. When I finally get smart enough to hate everything, that's when I will hunger for death the way I still hunger for enough food to keep living.

Dumb dumb dumb. I know I'm an idiot for not being dead already, but stupidity is a luxury for now. Soon enough either way it won't be. I'll be grateful when it comes. Either cancer or suicidal urges too strong to deny.

 

[Shay]

That's what's really holding us back.

It's so unbelievably awful to even live that we can't believe it. Everyday we wake up again, surely it's not that bad is it? Every evening we see that yes, it is that bad and worse. When I finally get smart enough to hate everything, that's when I will hunger for death the way I still hunger for enough food to keep living.

Dumb dumb dumb. I know I'm an idiot for not being dead already, but stupidity is a luxury for now. Soon enough either way it won't be. I'll be grateful when it comes. Either cancer or suicidal urges too strong to deny.

Agree. I feel stupid for being here so depressed and miserable. I know it will only get worse not better and I don't know what I'm waiting for. Am I that masochistic to observe the worst happening. I was hoping I could be good to myself for once and give myself a break and end things before they hit rock bottom.

 

[windingdown]

It's true that knowing you will suicide soon casts a cloud or shadow over all living moments. 'Tomorrow is my last Wednesday'... The only things I am really doing differently are trying to eat foods I like (it helps somehow), and making sure I am attentive to people I love.

Last year when I was very close to an attempt, I would wake up hyperventilating. I felt terrified. Now I feel much more calm. Still frightened, in disbelief, it is so surreal that this is a part of life. But much calmer. Last year would have been a stupid overdose that would have been painful without working, now I have researched a ton and feel mostly at peace about my method.

 

[Lra888]

Even mundane tasks such as eating/ hygene seem pointless and sluggish to get through. Nothing makes me content. Interaction with others hurts.

 

[Lra888]

It's true that knowing you will suicide soon casts a cloud or shadow over all living moments. 'Tomorrow is my last Wednesday'... The only things I am really doing differently are trying to eat foods I like (it helps somehow), and making sure I am attentive to people I love.

Last year when I was very close to an attempt, I would wake up hyperventilating. I felt terrified. Now I feel much more calm. Still frightened, in disbelief, it is so surreal that this is a part of life. But much calmer. Last year would have been a stupid overdose that would have been painful without working, now I have researched a ton and feel mostly at peace about my method.

I wake up several times a night in a panic. Mind racing feeling trapped.

 

[Lra888]

I went out and purchased sturdy nylon rope and the trip to the store, selecting the rope, checkout and the trip home was very difficult. Walking past all of the happy healthy people going about their day. My thoughts consumed by the desire to get out of this world I could never be a part of. I feel a bit sad that some will judge me harshly for what i'm going to do because they don't understand my situation and what i've been through. It bothers me that some view suicide as cowardly and selfish. It's not selfish if I don't have a self that I can keep going with. My mental illness is painful and it destroys my relationships because I can't act or respond correctly - my mood and thoughts all over the place - and this leaves me isolated. Medications only makes Things worse with it's awful side effects. Just absolutely tired of living like this and I want to get out as quickly and painlessly as possible in a society that looks down upon this act, will not help, and will lock me away forever in order to trap me in this nightmare.

 

[Lra888]

I find it horrifying when happy healthy people talk of suicides as being selfish and cowardly. Anyone who lives like this / has made an attempt knows how wrong they are. I cannot remain alive much longer, even if I take suicide out of the equation for a moment, if I were to carry on as I am I would continue to decline and suffer putting myself and others through tremendous pain.

 

[Lra888]

Sorry for the long rambling posts - just getting thoughts out after a difficult night.

 

[406blue]

That's why the venting forum exists. I can relate to about everything you describe and i couldn't really have put it much better myself. Living with the fear and anxiety of being caught in a cleft stick every day is exhausting, feeling that every sensory experience is alien apart from that which involves ctb. Being wrenched from the occasional drifting back into a kind of conformity that everything is normal when one observes people going about their daily business and laughing, socialising... back into my reality when this cinema is destroyed as quickly as it appeared. What gets me out of bed? The desire to act, to do something either live or die today and it's neither in the end, so on we go.

 

[Sundayafternoon]

Trapped in a life I cannot continue and needing to work up the courage to end it. It's exhausting.

So damn tiring.

For those of us that still have to interact with the outside world, pretending to care about their trivial issues, makes it all the more exhausting. Here I am, at any given moment, contemplating driving into a wall, using my rent money to purchase N or just flinging myself from a bridge while my coworker is babbling about cabinets. Every damn morning.

 

[Punished snake]

I've been feeling more content ever since the day I bought the rope. Sort of "ok, when the line will be crossed I'll have my way out ready"

 

[bigj75]

So damn tiring.

For those of us that still have to interact with the outside world, pretending to care about their trivial issues, makes it all the more exhausting. Here I am, at any given moment, contemplating driving into a wall, using my rent money to purchase N or just flinging myself from a bridge while my coworker is babbling about cabinets. Every damn morning.

That's what I find so ironic. We just want to survive and stop thinking about suicide while people who are lucky don't have those thoughts find something to complain about like cabinets. I wish my life problems were the extent of cabinets.

 

[Sundayafternoon]

That's what I find so ironic. We just want to survive and stop thinking about suicide while people who are lucky don't have those thoughts find something to complain about like cabinets. I wish my life problems were the extent of cabinets.

I wouldn't mind thinking About it if it meant i could through with it.

 

[lostinthedream]

People still seem to see such a light in me, I don't understand it whatsoever..

 

[Schopenhauer]

I've been suicidal for years. I actually tried to give life a chance, and it worked for a while. But it's still too much. For years I go to bed wishing not to wake up. When I board a plane, I wish that it would fall. It's... exhausting, to live like this...

 

[bigj75]

People still seem to see such a light in me, I don't understand it whatsoever..

Because everyone to an extent has a degree of potential.

 

[lostinthedream]

Because everyone to an extent has a degree of potential.

I am nothing, however the world reacts so strangely to me as if I am something special.. Its puzzling and curious.. I have no potential...

 

[bigj75]

I am nothing, however the world reacts so strangely to me as if I am something special.. Its puzzling and curious.. I have no potential...

Are you not able to work? You have any kids?

 

[lostinthedream]

Are you not able to work? You have any kids?

I work, and no, I have no kids.. no spouse or significant other..

 

[bigj75]

I work, and no, I have no kids.. no spouse or significant other..

You could become a parent or at least get into a relationship if you want. Any hobbies or interests you have? I like sports/competition.

 

[lostinthedream]

You could become a parent or at least get into a relationship if you want. Any hobbies or interests you have? I like sports/competition.

All my interest tend toward the spiritual/enlightenment.. The only type of relationship that remotely interests me is much deeper than the usual surface stuff.