Venting Living solely for another person.

[cinna_rey<3]

This revelation came out of nowhere. Last night, I was playing Phasmophobia with my partner. I noticed he didn't seem to interested, and I asked if he genuinely wanted to play. He answered no, that he was burnt out. He then went on to tell me that the reason he didn't speak to me all day was due to his burn out, and he didn't exactly want to be communicating with me at that moment either. I understand burnout unfortunately well, but for some reason those words hurt me deeply.

After taking some time to think about why, it hit me. I have absolutely no will to live my life. My autism prevents me from functioning typically, making every little task become difficult and draining. I'm not saying it's an excuse for my incompetence, but it's definitely a reason. It takes a crane to remove me from bed each morning, simply because I don't have the energy or the will to experience another day in my life. I'm scared to leave the house alone, I don't trust people. I fear that once I find a job, I'm going to mess it all up colossally. I can't even drive, when I was learning to I would drive on the wrong side of the road and end up in a ditch.

I genuinely feel like I am too stupid and incompetent to function, which has led to me losing the will to function at all. I'm only job hunting for my partner, only smiling my way through every day for my partner, only leaving bed for my partner. And honestly, I hate it. I know you're supposed to find joy in having something, or someone, to live for. But it instead fills me with dread. I don't like my life at all, I don't like who I grew up to be. I don't want to work nine hours, five days a week, for fifty years, then die unfulfilled. If it were up to me, I'd be a pile of ash by now. But I've stuck around, tried my ass off, all for him.

Now I'm hearing that he is so burnt out in his own life that he doesn't even find joy in talking to me anymore. My entire purpose, my entire reason for surviving, was to keep him happy. And now I can't even do that. And it makes me question if this is a life worth living anymore. Do I want to dedicate my life to someone, despite the fact that I don't even want to be alive? What's the point anymore? Does he even really want me around that much?

What am I supposed to do? I have nothing going for me except my appearance, and even then I don't want to be a model or an NSFW worker. What I wanted more than anything was to be a musician, but it's highly unlikely to ever happen. I've already accepted that it's out of reach, I need a real job for my future with a husband that seems to only tolerate my existence.

I'm genuinely, wholeheartedly considering ctb.

Edit for clarification: He'd been acting relatively uninterested for quite a while before verbally expressing his burnout.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

This revelation came out of nowhere. Last night, I was playing Phasmophobia with my partner. I noticed he didn't seem to interested, and I asked if he genuinely wanted to play. He answered no, that he was burnt out. He then went on to tell me that the reason he didn't speak to me all day was due to his burn out, and he didn't exactly want to be communicating with me at that moment either. I understand burnout unfortunately well, but for some reason those words hurt me deeply.

After taking some time to think about why, it hit me. I have absolutely no will to live my life. My autism prevents me from functioning typically, making every little task become difficult and draining. I'm not saying it's an excuse for my incompetence, but it's definitely a reason. It takes a crane to remove me from bed each morning, simply because I don't have the energy or the will to experience another day in my life. I'm scared to leave the house alone, I don't trust people. I fear that once I find a job, I'm going to mess it all up colossally. I can't even drive, when I was learning to I would drive on the wrong side of the road and end up in a ditch.

I genuinely feel like I am too stupid and incompetent to function, which has led to me losing the will to function at all. I'm only job hunting for my partner, only smiling my way through every day for my partner, only leaving bed for my partner. And honestly, I hate it. I know you're supposed to find joy in having something, or someone, to live for. But it instead fills me with dread. I don't like my life at all, I don't like who I grew up to be. I don't want to work nine hours, five days a week, for fifty years, then die unfulfilled. If it were up to me, I'd be a pile of ash by now. But I've stuck around, tried my ass off, all for him.

Now I'm hearing that he is so burnt out in his own life that he doesn't even find joy in talking to me anymore. My entire purpose, my entire reason for surviving, was to keep him happy. And now I can't even do that. And it makes me question if this is a life worth living anymore. Do I want to dedicate my life to someone, despite the fact that I don't even want to be alive? What's the point anymore? Does he even really want me around that much?

What am I supposed to do? I have nothing going for me except my appearance, and even then I don't want to be a model or an NSFW worker. What I wanted more than anything was to be a musician, but it's highly unlikely to ever happen. I've already accepted that it's out of reach, I need a real job for my future with a husband that seems to only tolerate my existence.

I'm genuinely, wholeheartedly considering ctb.

Edit for clarification: He'd been acting relatively uninterested for quite a while before verbally expressing his burnout.

This is very relatable.. The sole point of my existence is my partner. I'm in a pretty similar situation as yours and I'm trying my absolute hardest. You should start by doing things you enjoy besides talking to your partner a lot more. Not only for them but for you aswell as being so dependant on someone isn't healthy. And if you can, you should try making some friends. If not in person online friends are still decent, and you can make them literally anywhere. Don't be so harsh on yourself. It is possible to better your situation. The best piece of advice I could offer is be patient and don't expect instant results if you are to try and change things, this was something that demotivated me a lot. I really hope you're able to better your situation. Best of luck!

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

My entire purpose, my entire reason for surviving, was to keep him happy

That hit me HARD. Because that was what my life was before going to the psych ward. I broke down SO HARD after the one I was supposed to keep happy just left me that I just...I just lost that spark of happy-go-luckiness I had before.

Maybe it's not your case, though? Have patience, and try to communicate with him non verbally, like GIFs, images and the like. Reading is surprisingly difficult when one is in pain.

 

[VargosMelon]

This revelation came out of nowhere. Last night, I was playing Phasmophobia with my partner. I noticed he didn't seem to interested, and I asked if he genuinely wanted to play. He answered no, that he was burnt out. He then went on to tell me that the reason he didn't speak to me all day was due to his burn out, and he didn't exactly want to be communicating with me at that moment either. I understand burnout unfortunately well, but for some reason those words hurt me deeply.

After taking some time to think about why, it hit me. I have absolutely no will to live my life. My autism prevents me from functioning typically, making every little task become difficult and draining. I'm not saying it's an excuse for my incompetence, but it's definitely a reason. It takes a crane to remove me from bed each morning, simply because I don't have the energy or the will to experience another day in my life. I'm scared to leave the house alone, I don't trust people. I fear that once I find a job, I'm going to mess it all up colossally. I can't even drive, when I was learning to I would drive on the wrong side of the road and end up in a ditch.

I genuinely feel like I am too stupid and incompetent to function, which has led to me losing the will to function at all. I'm only job hunting for my partner, only smiling my way through every day for my partner, only leaving bed for my partner. And honestly, I hate it. I know you're supposed to find joy in having something, or someone, to live for. But it instead fills me with dread. I don't like my life at all, I don't like who I grew up to be. I don't want to work nine hours, five days a week, for fifty years, then die unfulfilled. If it were up to me, I'd be a pile of ash by now. But I've stuck around, tried my ass off, all for him.

Now I'm hearing that he is so burnt out in his own life that he doesn't even find joy in talking to me anymore. My entire purpose, my entire reason for surviving, was to keep him happy. And now I can't even do that. And it makes me question if this is a life worth living anymore. Do I want to dedicate my life to someone, despite the fact that I don't even want to be alive? What's the point anymore? Does he even really want me around that much?

What am I supposed to do? I have nothing going for me except my appearance, and even then I don't want to be a model or an NSFW worker. What I wanted more than anything was to be a musician, but it's highly unlikely to ever happen. I've already accepted that it's out of reach, I need a real job for my future with a husband that seems to only tolerate my existence.

I'm genuinely, wholeheartedly considering ctb.

Edit for clarification: He'd been acting relatively uninterested for quite a while before verbally expressing his burnout.

I wish I could give you a hug, so I'll settle for one over the screen. First things first, I don't believe your stupid or incompetent to function. Your already functioning, not in the way you dreamed or imagined. But your here, your thinking, breathing, heart beating. I know, bare minimum. I'm curious why you say that you can't be a musician, why is it unlikely? You don't have to answer. But if it's mere belief, than just learning an instrument should itself be enough.

Furthermore, what do you consider to be a 'real job,' because my definition of a job is merely something that pays and can support you/your lifestyle. What sort of job are you looking for? -- again, no answers needed.

When I was more angry, and in one of the peaks of my ideations, I would get mad every time I thought of having to 'live for someone else,' because I knew that wasn't enough for me. I felt as you mentioned, 'not wanting to work until death,' I want a fulfilling life. One of my mottos is 'life is not enough.' It's not enough to just alive, a quality -- and sense of fulfillment matters too.

Your not incompetent, your working with the bandwidth that you have. Within the constraints of your life, and reality.

Lastly, if you could in theory completely change the look and feel of your life, what would be different? If you were given the chance to change anything in your life within the constraints of your life currently, again what would be different?

P.s. I also don't have my driver's license.

Edit: I asked those questions because it could help to visual what you wanted to be different, perhaps to avoid overwhelm start with something small. Like, idk, if you wanted to change the layout of your desk. What do you consider 'wrong' with your desk. Space? Okay, what would give you more space on your desk, shelf, okay then look into shelves. So on and so forth. I'm not certain this could help, but I think it could point to a direction.

 

[bankai]

That's kind of the problem. You can't live for anyone else. It's your life, right? What happens in the morning when you open your eyes? Is that person the first thing you think about? OK, maybe. But are you the person that they think about?


If you're not sure about that, then you need to harden your heart and cut them out. Me personally, I wonder if it's coffee or tea in the morning

I'm single and I'm OK with that.

But yeah. Just have immense self respect because You're absolutely worth it. Some people won't feel that way because they'll take you for granted. Just don't take the bus because of anyone else. You make that decision on your own