Living like you're not going to ctb

[WaitingForTheBusInTh]

I'm trying to live as if I haven't set a reminder in my phone to get ready to ctb in Feburary. Buying normal things and talking about going to Japan next October provided covid allows. Part of it is to prevent suspicion but part of it is to keep options open in case my life suddenly takes a dramatic turn for the better.
But every time I look at buying something or planning something I keep thinking what's the point if I'm not planning on being here in a few months?
I'm torn between continuing this way until I can make up my mind and finding a place on my own so I dont have to pretend anything anymore.
Every week on my only day off i consider going to my local welding store to get gas for the exit bag. I have a rope under my bed. Balancing the edge is exhausting.

 

[Nymph]

You seem like a really strong person, it's worth a shot. I think that manifesting is kind of a real thing and when a person is negative and thinks only about negative things then those things are going to end up happening. So that's why negative people only get worse and positive people can always stay positive...so maybe something good might come out of this? But yeah I'm sure it must be very exhausting:(

 

[WaitingForTheBusInTh]

You seem like a really strong person, it's worth a shot. I think that manifesting is kind of a real thing and when a person is negative and thinks only about negative things then those things are going to end up happening. So that's why negative people only get worse and positive people can always stay positive...so maybe something good might come out of this? But yeah I'm sure it must be very exhausting:(

Not strong just a lot of practice. When I was in therapy in high school they couldnt believe how good my grades were given how depressed I was. Little did they know my fear of failure managed to power me through it. The only reason I dont quit my job is a fear of homelessness. That, and I want to leave money for my mom to pay off her debts with