Living as a minority is not worth it

[CowardKnight]

I'm gay so you can probably imagine what's this about. Sorry if all of this sounds like nonsense or I'm not being coherent, I don't know how to put my thoughts into words about this. I'll just vomit my thoughts here the best way that I can.

I don't want to live in a world that hates me. People are horrible. I never want to leave my house but eventually I have to. I'm scared. Nothing feels truly safe. I never wanted this. The world is so horrible. I just want to live a normal life. It sucks that I can't interact with anyone without having to be cautious cuz I don't know what's their opinion on people like me. I hate that I need to hide myself and carefully watch my movements, way of talking and everything I do in front of other people at every moment or else people will do horrible things to me. I could be the next victim of a hate crime.

The stress is so much my stomatch hurts. I suffer from horrible acid reflux most likely caused by the stress. If I don't do something about the acid reflux it can get worse and cause me damage. But I can't do anything about the stress because I can't change the world, so what am I supposed to do??????

I need to go to the doctor for several reasons but I'm scared the doctor will (most likely) be one of those horrible people. I'm scared they'll somehow assume I'm gay and do something to me, mistreat me, yknow, medical malpractice. They could ruin my life. It's so fucking scary, man.

Is recovery even possible for someone like me when I'll need to deal with this uncertainty and danger for the rest of my life? I don't even know how will I even survive.

Are they even people? are they even fucking humans? How can someone believe they are superior and those who are different, are inferior and deserve to die? Isn't that what nazi ideology is? The worst part is that, when you mention this to these "people" (or even supposed "good people") they'll just say "you can't hate someone just because of different opinions". Are you fucking kidding me? Thinking who deserves to live and die isn't just a damn opinion. If Hitler was alive today, I'm sure most people would defend him because "oh he just has a different opinion".

I swear nothing feels truly safe. Even things that are supposed to be an escape from reality like art in general (say, books, movies, or games) just make me feel worse. Why? Because they're mostly intended for straight people (the superior race, in this context?) because they need to dominate everything. It has come to a point where I hate watching straight romances in media. It feels predatory, it feels gross, it feels like those "people" are shoving in my face the life and things they can have freely, while laughing at me.

I fucking hate how these "people" treat me as if I were a pedophile. Everyday they scream at me I'm one. In news, in media, in fucking everything a lot of gay people are portrayed as pedos. I think I'm starting to develop pedophile OCD because of it, even though I know I'm not. AND IT FEELS AWFUL I WANT TO VOMIT BECAUSE I MYSELF WAS RAPED AS A KID AND IT FEELS LIKE THEY ARE LAUGHING AT ME.

Meanwhile! When I was a kid, because I was feminine, a lot of adults discriminated me for it.

Why. THE FUCK are you treating a child like that because of it? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO FOCUSED ON A CHILD SEXUAL ORIENTATION? I WAS JUST A KID. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS GAY, YET I WAS DISCRIMINATED FOR IT, BEFORE I EVEN KNEW WHAT IT WAS. FUCKING PEDOPHILES. AGAIN, I WAS A KID.

They looked at me with disgust. Let bullying happen to me even though I asked for help lots of times. They laughed at me, excluded me, humiliated me and did horrible things to me that I can't forget. Worst part is that I barely defended myself, and I kinda hate myself for it. Every day I wonder how things would've been have I acted differently, if I took different decisions.

THEY GROOMED ME, AND NOW CALL ME THE PEDOPHILE. FUCKING MAKE THAT MAKE SENSE?

Other kids in other parts of the world are being groomed by homophobes right now just for being different, and I fucking want to scream every time I think about it. How many childhoods are being ruined right now because of it? Holy fucking shit. They are just kids. I was just a kid.

I wish I could do something. I wish I could change the world, make those pedophiles disappear. I WANT TO DO SOMETHING but I can't even change my life. I'm scared shitless every day. Nothing that is supposed to "help" me really helps because the fact that the world wants me dead isn't going to change anytime soon and that's why nothing fucking helps. Because those things that are supposed to "help" are, again, intended for the superior race. They don't have to worry about being discriminated or hate crimed every day, so, no shit, of course it'll help them.

I never asked for this. I just want to live a NORMAL life, not worrying about being discriminated, holy shit. I just want to be safe. I want to be okay, fucking please. I wanna die. I need to die, I don't see myself surviving in a world like this.

 

[BradGuy123]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've known I was gay when I was 12. I was raised in a small town. I grew up in a church where they taught that it was a sin to be gay and you'd go to hell. You didn't mention the size of the town you live in. I live in a big city now. Yes, there is a lot of discrimination against gay people. But it's more accepting than it used to be. There are accepting people out there. Even at my age and despite the fact that I live in a big city I'm always on guard when I meet new people "Do they hate gay people? Will they accept me?" I've been doing it so long it's second nature. On the other hand, there's a part of me that no longer cares. I don't think doctors can discriminate against gay people now. These three bullet points are from AI:

• Section 1557 of the Affordable Care Act prohibits discrimination in healthcare based on sex — and courts + federal agencies interpret "sex" to include sexual orientation.
• Many states (redacting my state name) have non‑discrimination policies that explicitly protect LGBTQ patients.
• Hospitals, clinics, and medical groups almost always have internal rules banning discrimination.

No need to apologize. This is a supportive forum. I didn't find your post nonsense at all.

 

[peacebenow]

Heartbreaking reading your post and enraging as well at the cruel reality of our world. Offering care and acceptance.

 

[sadbh]

I am so sorry. I understand in a certain way, and it's crazy that I feel invalidated by society about similar thoughts.

 

[mob]

Saying this as someone who's home region is known for "gay purges" and the erasure of queer people, I feel your pain.
Everyone in my town knew when I had a girlfriend (as a woman), and from there on no one respected me anymore.
I'm lucky enough to have grown up in Europe and not in the hell my family is originally from.

Realistically, if you go to the doctor, the chance that one will assume you're gay is very close to zero. Besides, doctors are obligated to treat you.

The world is unfair and cruel when you are "different", and while it is slowly changing and more and more people are accepting nowadays, there will always be people who aren't. I'm sorry to hear what you went through, no one deserves to experience something like that.

There's not much I can do as a stranger on the internet, but there's one thing I'd like to say:
The way you are isn't wrong. No one chooses this. Take care of yourself.