Living for Other People

[CleverMoniker]

I've spent most of the past decade meticulously planning my death. I knew exactly how I was going to die, and I started writing my notes years before I intended to go through with it. I devoted more time and energy to planning my death than I did to living my life. I have never felt attached to being alive. I existed passively, as if life were something happening to me, something that I had no say in. Like a bad movie, I felt I could pause it at any time and just...walk away. I have heard people say that depression is like a slower way of being dead, and I have always been terribly impatient. I couldn't bear waiting for my body to catch up to my emotional state, so I decided to hit fast-forward. But being as it is, life thwarted that plan as soon as I began to feel secure in it.

I have always been fairly open about my plans for the future. At the time of my...plotting, my social circle was mostly populated by people with some form of severe mental illness, and so suicide was something we discussed often. When I was in my late teens, I made my first non-depressed friend....apparently normal people are much more concerned by suicide than I was. Though their oppressive happiness sometimes bothered me, I became very fond of my new friend (referred to as Mildred going forward). I loved them and still love them more than anything else in this life, and I could hardly say no when they asked for a stay of execution, could I? Mildred's reaction to my plans made the extent of my selfishness very clear. My suicide would have devastated the people I love, and I don't really understand why I couldn't see that before.

I decided against suicide almost two years ago. I still want to die. I've tried therapy, and I've tried medication. I had and have an extremely healthy lifestyle, I had a decent childhood, my financial situation is more than secure, and I have a happy family life. I have good friends, I'm involved in my community. I work hard but still take time for myself. I keep a diary, I started painting again, and I have a planner with dates going beyond the day I thought I'd kill myself. I have an extraordinarily good life, but it isn't enough. The things I've tried have helped, but it is never enough. I think something in my mind is just...broken. Some part of my soul is shattered. But I wake up every day and put myself back together. I keep going for the people I love, so they can have the happiness that I can't seem to find. I don't want to make them feel the way I do, and so I am for others.

I can't live for myself, but I can do it for the people I love. For Mildred, for my family, for my friends. I want them to have the best lives possible, but redistributing my soul every single day is exhausting. I'm worried that I will never get better, that I will spend decades in agony without a relief. I'm afraid that the pain will become unbearable one day, and I will be compelled to take my life away. I don't know if it is possible to completely give my life to other people.

 

[Celerity]

I'm sorry, OP. Years ago, I dreamt of the day I could finally put it all behind me, of a day when I said no to suicide for the final time. Even on my good days, I understand that this day will never come to pass.

I think it's different for people who consider suicide during a moment of crisis. For people like us for whom suicidal ideation has become a way of life, I don't think it's possible to ever really let go of it again.

That said, I hope you find reasons to live for yourself and not just for others. I am searching for the same thing. Some days, the beauty of life hits me square in the face and I wonder how I can continually contemplate ever throwing life away. Other days, I bitterly regret that I hadn't taken care of business years ago. On the worst days, life doesn't seem uniquely bad for me but inherently unappealing, an intractable problem we're all assigned at birth and will never solve before the time is up.

 

[lyles]

In a lot of ways, you have verbalized how I've felt too. I don't know the answer, sometimes it gets easier and lighter, and then there are moments that seem like you never left the spot you were once before. But regardless of anything, know that I am sending you my love and hope for a future where you can live for yourself and love that life truly and fully.

 

[summers]

Sorry this isn't a long response, but isn't it funny/ironic how it's so much easier to die for someone than live for them...

 

[CleverMoniker]

I'm sorry, OP. Years ago, I dreamt of the day I could finally put it all behind me, of a day when I said no to suicide for the final time. Even on my good days, I understand that this day will never come to pass.

I think it's different for people who consider suicide during a moment of crisis. For people like us for whom suicidal ideation has become a way of life, I don't think it's possible to ever really let go of it again.

That said, I hope you find reasons to live for yourself and not just for others. I am searching for the same thing. Some days, the beauty of life hits me square in the face and I wonder how I can continually contemplate ever throwing life away. Other days, I bitterly regret that I hadn't taken care of business years ago. On the worst days, life doesn't seem uniquely bad for me but inherently unappealing, an intractable problem we're all assigned at birth and will never solve before the time is up.

I keep trying to delude myself into thinking that there is something noble in choosing life every day, even if it is against the moment's reason. But honestly, life just sucks sometimes, and all the work depression demands is just too much. Sometimes you just have to say ~it be that way~ and wait for things to get better, I suppose.

 

[Ironweed]

Is there any specific question you'd like the board's input on, or are you just venting? If it is the latter, cool, I get it and understand.

If it is the former I'm afraid I'd want something a bit more, well, to the point.

I will say I'm deeply skeptical your "Mildred" is as committed to you as you seem to be to her. Outside of a romantic bond in my experience people just aren't wired that way. Might want to re-think things there.

 

[timf]

One can observe a common dynamic in the deign of human life. As children we all start out pretty much self-centered and selfish. When we become parents, we are pretty much forced by the selfishness of children to learn to be selfless. It is this, perhaps unappreciated, aspect of human development that almost forces us to learn the deeper love of living for others.

Given the crippling effects modern society has had on the family, it should not be surprising that many attempt to use romantic pursuits to satisfy personal desires rather than towards building a family. Sadly romantic efforts for selfish ends almost poison romance before it starts.

Many people can see that the ultimate end of a life lived for self has little to commend it. Some come to the philosophy of nihilism as a result which can further contribute to hopelessness and depression. Living for others is not the loss of something, but the discovery of that which inspires and elevates us to know transcendent love.

It is interesting to note that the two main branches of Christianity (liberalism which focuses on feelings and conservativism which focuses on rule following) have both missed the biblical definition of love, selflessness (1 Cor 13:4-7)

Our consumer society directs our attention towards getting as much as we can for ourselves as captured by the bumper sticker that says, "he who dies with the most toys wins". This consumer orientation feeds a hunger that is never satisfied and even contributes to a predatory approach to other people.

If one desires to explore the realm of helping others, it might yield unanticipated benefits.

 

[Ironweed]

One can observe a common dynamic in the deign of human life. As children we all start out pretty much self-centered and selfish. When we become parents, we are pretty much forced by the selfishness of children to learn to be selfless. It is this, perhaps unappreciated, aspect of human development that almost forces us to learn the deeper love of living for others.

So the dude who has fathered five children by three different women has "learn[ed] to be selfless?" That's an interesting take.

Given the crippling effects modern society has had on the family, it should not be surprising that many attempt to use romantic pursuits to satisfy personal desires rather than towards building a family. Sadly romantic efforts for selfish ends almost poison romance before it starts.

Except you just got through saying you can't be selfless until there's babies on the scene. Meaning -- by your curious premises -- the romance leading to children would only be carried out by the selfish.

Many people can see that the ultimate end of a life lived for self has little to commend it. Some come to the philosophy of nihilism as a result which can further contribute to hopelessness and depression. Living for others is not the loss of something, but the discovery of that which inspires and elevates us to know transcendent love.

Hardly. There's no evidence the Nazis loved their children any less than any parents have throughout history. Indeed that Nazis burbled on at great length about the sanctity of family. Yet this love absolutely did not extend to anyone in an out-group, become "transcendent" to use your term, to Poles, Jews, Gypsies and so on.

It is interesting to note that the two main branches of Christianity (liberalism which focuses on feelings and conservativism which focuses on rule following) have both missed the biblical definition of love, selflessness (1 Cor 13:4-7)

To which anyone, even if not a Christian, could reasonably reply Mt 10:34-37

Our consumer society directs our attention towards getting as much as we can for ourselves as captured by the bumper sticker that says, "he who dies with the most toys wins". This consumer orientation feeds a hunger that is never satisfied and even contributes to a predatory approach to other people.

Please point me to a society in human history that has worked better. I'm genuinely curious.

If one desires to explore the realm of helping others, it might yield unanticipated benefits.

Perhaps. But you have not made a very good case for such a thing.

 

[tiredplant777]

you articulated exactly how I feel. I know if I were to die it would destroy my family. So I live for them. I can't be happy, but they are happy and I never want to cause someone to feel how I do. I'm sorry you suffer like this. Living for others has been extremely exhausting for me. When my parents are gone it will be fair game for me, but that's going to be a few decades. I know some of my friends will take it hard but I do believe they will be ok in the long run, and even then after all those years who knows if I'll know them still. living while I've lost the will to live is so, so hard though lol.

 

[WrongPlaceWrongTime]

I intend to live for my dad. When he dies, I want him to go believing that I will become successful. Unfortunately, I doubt I can pull off that success for real.

 

[tiredplant777]

I intend to live for my dad. When he dies, I want him to go believing that I will become successful. Unfortunately, I doubt I can pull off that success for real.

Same. <3