Venting little vent about flip flopping with my emotions

[pochii]

I often flip flop with my emotions and feel really good about things and then later am back to feeling absolutely horrible.
Today I was up in the morning and I was watching some car videos on my phone and imagined myself in my own car like a miata or something. I started thinking about stuff like plans on getting a job again or going back to school and I was just overall a little energetic. But just a few hours later im back to not caring about any of that at all. I love cars and they are cool but I just cant stick around till im able to afford that kinda stuff.

I feel like part of the reason I always switch up is because my mom is worried about me and I only only continue to be here for her. But that makes shit really hard sometimes. I try to be good for her and move up in the world so she has a good son but I wanna ctb so so bad somedays.

 

[MyLuckyStars]

morning is always a good time, and the evening is the bowels of hell. heres how it feels for yours truly:

7am: my eyes flutter awake. i hear a bird chirp. sunlight trickles down from my open window, faintly warming my chest. my room is illuminated with a pleasant natural energy. i slip on my robe and shuffle downstairs, to make a cup of coffee and start working for the day, or just amuse myself somehow; either works for me! i crack open some eggs and hear them begin to sizzle on my griddle. i almost stop at two, but add a third; gotta keep my strength up! as the eggs finish up on the stove, i heap a nice chorizo sauage onto my plate to complete my breakfast of champions. lastly, i pour a half-glass of 2% milk, and stroll to my seat in my living room. i sigh and gaze out my window. i could do this forever!

11pm: everyone is conspiring against me and my presence is either ignored or despised. nothing within my power could change this. i frantically rub my hands through my scalp, harshly scraping with my nails and tearing out loose clumps of hair. i pace in an L-pattern throughout my bedroom and connected bathroom, listening to music about killing yourself and thinking of killing myself. no, god damn it! its everyone else who sucks! i should abandon my life for a career of serial murder, and be a real smart one. get on the news, freak people out. when they catch me, id be one of the disarmingly handsome and affable ones. maybe id get letters in jail from admirers, and have access to a nice prison library. i dont give a fuck. no man, what the hell! what if hell is real! you have an eternity of getting fucked in the ass with pitchforks in lava cauldrons if you do that! better to devote yourself to pure saintly charity. work yourself to death for the sake of others, and become the ultimate modern martyr. maybe find a cause to die for. you wanna die anyways, might as well make people care. but for what! so people can repost my demise on twitter for a week? hell, who would even kill me in this scenario? am i supposed to fly myself into a war zone, or something? fuck! nothing works! i snap myself out of roving fantasy; what could i do in real life to help? nothing! zip! zero! hey, if im extra ballsy i could take a steak knife and cut my fucking head off! thatd work! just takes serious stones! stones that i lack, who am i kidding. i go to bed in jeans and forget to take my contact lenses out, and dream of nothing.

 

[pochii]

morning is always a good time, and the evening is the bowels of hell. heres how it feels for yours truly:

7am: my eyes flutter awake. i hear a bird chirp. sunlight trickles down from my open window, faintly warming my chest. my room is illuminated with a pleasant natural energy. i slip on my robe and shuffle downstairs, to make a cup of coffee and start working for the day, or just amuse myself somehow; either works for me! i crack open some eggs and hear them begin to sizzle on my griddle. i almost stop at two, but add a third; gotta keep my strength up! as the eggs finish up on the stove, i heap a nice chorizo sauage onto my plate to complete my breakfast of champions. lastly, i pour a half-glass of 2% milk, and stroll to my seat in my living room. i sigh and gaze out my window. i could do this forever!

11pm: everyone is conspiring against me and my presence is either ignored or despised. nothing within my power could change this. i frantically rub my hands through my scalp, harshly scraping with my nails and tearing out loose clumps of hair. i pace in an L-pattern throughout my bedroom and connected bathroom, listening to music about killing yourself and thinking of killing myself. no, god damn it! its everyone else who sucks! i should abandon my life for a career of serial murder, and be a real smart one. get on the news, freak people out. when they catch me, id be one of the disarmingly handsome and affable ones. maybe id get letters in jail from admirers, and have access to a nice prison library. i dont give a fuck. no man, what the hell! what if hell is real! you have an eternity of getting fucked in the ass with pitchforks in lava cauldrons if you do that! better to devote yourself to pure saintly charity. work yourself to death for the sake of others, and become the ultimate modern martyr. maybe find a cause to die for. you wanna die anyways, might as well make people care. but for what! so people can repost my demise on twitter for a week? hell, who would even kill me in this scenario? am i supposed to fly myself into a war zone, or something? fuck! nothing works! i snap myself out of roving fantasy; what could i do in real life to help? nothing! zip! zero! hey, if im extra ballsy i could take a steak knife and cut my fucking head off! thatd work! just takes serious stones! stones that i lack, who am i kidding. i go to bed in jeans and forget to take my contact lenses out, and dream of nothing.

You have a lovely way of writing ^^ I wish I could have such talentt. It's nice to know someone else also has these crazy thoughts about doing the most insane of things because I am gonna die anyways. I often think of many many illegal things and ways of maybe making a bunch of money so i could blow it all in one great big last hurrah!