literally placed an order for SN while on a zoom "family session" with my mother and therapist

[exhaustedrabbit]

I feel somewhat bad for invalidating all the good work that my therapist has done with me over the years, but having this "family session" really cemented it for me. There is no way my relationship with my parents is ever going to get better and I am trapped with them by COVID. After a year of toughing it out, I've hit my wall.

I never super believed that I'd be a fully healthy productive person again after the traumas I've gone through, but I kept putting the effort in for loved ones. Putting in the effort to stay alive out of guilt for them. Seeing my mother in that session though, disappointed like she always is—easiest 20 bucks I ever spent. Whatever I do isn't enough, she's made it clear. So why continue wasting the resources right?

Going to fill out a consultation for a migraine medication now so I can have an anti-emetic on hand. I want to know I have an out when I need it.

 

[Rif]

All I can tell you is your immediate family are probably the ones that will feel the brunt of what you are contemplating - especially your mother. If you are resolute about it however, all power to you. =]

 

[Makko]

All I can tell you is your immediate family are probably the ones that will feel the brunt of what you are contemplating - especially your mother.

If your family is the people that drove you to take the step, that ought to be a good thing.

 

[exhaustedrabbit]

All I can tell you is your immediate family are probably the ones that will feel the brunt of what you are contemplating - especially your mother. If you are resolute about it however, all power to you. =]

The guilt of this is what kept me from considering catching the bus, but after today it's really apparent to me that my efforts are still just a waste. I think there's a lot of residual anger too. Like, if you don't like the daughter you got, fine. Here's a corpse. I know that's cruel, but it's really what I've been feeling for the last two weeks. Today just punctuated it.

 

[NodusTollens]

The guilt of this is what kept me from considering catching the bus, but after today it's really apparent to me that my efforts are still just a waste. I think there's a lot of residual anger too. Like, if you don't like the daughter you got, fine. Here's a corpse. I know that's cruel, but it's really what I've been feeling for the last two weeks. Today just punctuated it.

I don't really know what to say, as I don't know your family situation, but it sounds like you could use a:

HUGS

I hope you're able to find some peace in life (even if only for a moment), you sound like you could use some.