likely autistic female

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

Numerous professionals have expressed the likelihood of me being autistic but I'm not sure where to go from there. After a lifetime of being abused and ostracised for reasons I could never really understand, I discovered autism was a thing when I was 14. Of course I vaguely knew what it was before but I never thought it applied to me because surely I'm a "perfectly and normal functioning individual right?" I can talk and have above average intelligence I guess but other than that, I'm a walking disaster. I've learnt to somewhat mask over the years but not very well which has contributed to me still feeling like an outsider. Part of me wants to pursue a diagnosis and maybe settle this once and for all but I find myself put off by all the tiktok stuff romanticising and making a joke out of it. Of course people are allowed to do what they want but idk I just fear being seen as an attention seeking Gen Z person. I have no clue where this fear comes from really. My grades were not very good and school was a challenge but strangely enough, learning information wasn't) and I can't think of any area in my life where I am functioning all that well. My problems have only gotten worse which each passing year and I fear it will get worse in the future but I don't know what to do. If I don't pursue a diagnosis, I will continue to feel like an alien and be mistreated for not being like everyone else but if I do, I am worried about embarrassing myself and finding out that I was never autistic but just bad at being at being human. I just feel like death is the easiest choice. I won't have to suffer through feeling like I am constantly at war with my own humanity which would be nice. How am I supposed to enjoy my existence when I can barely interact with other people and when I do, they don't understand me well due to my unusual speaking patterns (wasn't aware of this until this was pointed out to me and I am very much devastated). I never wanted to be unique, I just wanted to be a normal human being. It's awful and I wish I was never born because I am not fucking having fun. Life just feels like a game I am absolutely not winning and I just want to hit the escape key on it or something. Just anything atp. I don't even know if I'd even be happy about a diagnosis and it's quite likely that I just breakdown into tears knowing that I never had a chance anyways (specifically when you consider my turbulent childhood). I'll try life once more but if it goes sour, not again.

 

[Misery99]

Numerous professionals have expressed the likelihood of me being autistic but I'm not sure where to go from there. After a lifetime of being abused and ostracised for reasons I could never really understand, I discovered autism was a thing when I was 14. Of course I vaguely knew what it was before but I never thought it applied to me because surely I'm a "perfectly and normal functioning individual right?" I can talk and have above average intelligence I guess but other than that, I'm a walking disaster. I've learnt to somewhat mask over the years but not very well which has contributed to me still feeling like an outsider. Part of me wants to pursue a diagnosis and maybe settle this once and for all but I find myself put off by all the tiktok stuff romanticising and making a joke out of it. Of course people are allowed to do what they want but idk I just fear being seen as an attention seeking Gen Z person. I have no clue where this fear comes from really. My grades were not very good and school was a challenge but strangely enough, learning information wasn't) and I can't think of any area in my life where I am functioning all that well. My problems have only gotten worse which each passing year and I fear it will get worse in the future but I don't know what to do. If I don't pursue a diagnosis, I will continue to feel like an alien and be mistreated for not being like everyone else but if I do, I am worried about embarrassing myself and finding out that I was never autistic but just bad at being at being human. I just feel like death is the easiest choice. I won't have to suffer through feeling like I am constantly at war with my own humanity which would be nice. How am I supposed to enjoy my existence when I can barely interact with other people and when I do, they don't understand me well due to my unusual speaking patterns (wasn't aware of this until this was pointed out to me and I am very much devastated). I never wanted to be unique, I just wanted to be a normal human being. It's awful and I wish I was never born because I am not fucking having fun. Life just feels like a game I am absolutely not winning and I just want to hit the escape key on it or something. Just anything atp. I don't even know if I'd even be happy about a diagnosis and it's quite likely that I just breakdown into tears knowing that I never had a chance anyways (specifically when you consider my turbulent childhood). I'll try life once more but if it goes sour, not again.

I was never diagnosed but I feel like I could be autistic or at least have aspergers because I was experiencing the same struggles as you did since my childhood. I heard that autism is difficult to diagnose in females because women are better at masking autism unlike men. So maybe that's why. I feel like an alien and clueless in social situations and make a fool out of myself so I try to avoid going to public places as much as I could. At school, I was great at writing exams and getting high marks but that was my only skill. My social skills sucked and everyone knew me as the weird kid at the school. Even some of my teachers hated me for being the shy, quiet and awkward kid. I hated myself ever since my childhood because I was frustrated that why can't I be normal like anyone else? I still hate myself for being not normal. I just want to be normal like others. Is that too much to ask for? That's how I feel about my life.

 

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

I was never diagnosed but I feel like I could be autistic or at least have aspergers because I was experiencing the same struggles as you did since my childhood. I heard that autism is difficult to diagnose in females because women are better at masking autism unlike men. So maybe that's why. I feel like an alien and clueless in social situations and make a fool out of myself so I try to avoid going to public places as much as I could. At school, I was great at writing exams and getting high marks but that was my only skill. My social skills sucked and everyone knew me as the weird kid at the school. Even some of my teachers hated me for being the shy, quiet and awkward kid. I hated myself ever since my childhood because I was frustrated that why can't I be normal like anyone else? I still hate myself for being not normal. I just want to be normal like others. Is that too much to ask for? That's how I feel about my life.

Yeah it truly does suck and as for the teacher thing, I swear it was the same for me. I always felt like I got treated worse than disruptive kids for crimes such as not speaking loud enough, not having friends and being unable to find a group (I once got penalised for this actually even though the other kids literally formed bigger groups than allowed just to avoid working with me lol but did not stop me losing marks for "not being collaborative"). Truly is a fucked up world out there

 

[gonnaregretthis]

kinda feel similarly abt having possible neurodivergency but not knowing what it could be at all. personally i feel like theres two results of a dx:
1)a community outcome from a self dx or official dx where u can relate to other people's experiences (not just behaviors but also what shit people put them through)
2) access through medicine through your insurance.
if u still really want meds without a dx then theres some more difficult methods. and if neither of these things interest you then there's not that much you get from a dx besides maybe piece of mind. hope thats helpful.

 

[sserafim]

kinda feel similarly abt having possible neurodivergency but not knowing what it could be at all. personally i feel like theres two results of a dx:
1)a community outcome from a self dx or official dx where u can relate to other people's experiences (not just behaviors but also what shit people put them through)
2) access through medicine through your insurance.
if u still really want meds without a dx then theres some more difficult methods. and if neither of these things interest you then there's not that much you get from a dx besides maybe piece of mind. hope thats helpful.

Unfortunately there are no meds for autism/Asperger's (ASD) tho…I have comorbid ADHD and I saw online that ADHD meds could help ease autism symptoms but this is for AUDHD, not straight up ASD. Sadly there's no cure or medication for it

 

[gonnaregretthis]

Unfortunately there are no meds for autism/Asperger's tho…I have comorbid ADHD and I saw online that ADHD meds could help ease autism symptoms but this is for AUDHD, not straight up Asperger's/autism. Sadly there's no cure or medication for autism

right, i was confusing with adhd for some reason im really sorry

 

[sserafim]

right, i was confusing with adhd for some reason im really sorry

Np, I really wish there were meds for ASD tho. It's a terrible condition to have and I wish there was a breakthrough in treatment for it already I wish there was a way to treat it.

 

[Meditation guide]

I've taken some of these autism tests, they're good, since I wondered if I'm autistic, I'm not, just weird:

https://embrace-autism.com/autism-tests/

 

[Misery99]

Yeah it truly does suck and as for the teacher thing, I swear it was the same for me. I always felt like I got treated worse than disruptive kids for crimes such as not speaking loud enough, not having friends and being unable to find a group (I once got penalised for this actually even though the other kids literally formed bigger groups than allowed just to avoid working with me lol but did not stop me losing marks for "not being collaborative"). Truly is a fucked up world out there

Same for me...Even the loudest kids who were shouting at the classroom interrupting studying didn't get much hate from this one particular teacher as much as me. I still remember the mean things she told about me. It's hurtful. It made my self confidence even more low. The country I live in isn't a developed country so many people are uneducated about topics like Autism and Aspergers..Some people haven't even heard the names of those conditions. So yeah it sucks. Wish I was never born. Life was nothing but pain and misery for me. Wish I had access to SN or N so I would end my sad life already.

 

[lament.]

I've taken some of these autism tests, they're good, since I wondered if I'm autistic, I'm not, just weird:

https://embrace-autism.com/autism-tests/

I just wanna point out that tests like these really don't show you much of anything. Autism is something that is across a huge spectrum and varies from person to person, there is no way a simple test could diagnose you.