Like I told my wife, I'm just tired

[Infinite Rest]

I don't think she knows how serious I am about CTB, but I'm very open with her about my depression, anxiety, and introversion. Social interactions DRAIN me, and the holidays feel like a parade of social interactions. My mind and body are both exhausted, I get migraines all the time now, and I've tried five different antidepressants with little to no success.

I bought a handgun a couple of months ago to CTB, but I keep thinking about my 10 year old and the trauma it will cause her. But then a weird part of me thinks she'd be better off, because her stepdad is loaded and has a lot more means to give her everything she needs.

I'm tired of being tired. Tired of being sad. Of feeling like a failure and a waste of potential. Kid Me would be horrified at what 40 year old Me has become.

I honestly get a lot of comfort reading this forum. Knowing people are out there who feel the same. Not worrying about panicking my family or having an ambulance called for me.

Other people don't understand how hard it can be. Y'all do.

 

[warm dreams]

Другие люди не понимают, как это может быть тяжело. Вы все понимаете.

I completely agree with you. Users on this forum heal the abyss in my soul that has only progressed over the years. It was a big relief for me when I discovered this site because I can finally discuss things that I can't in real life.

I want to wish you to find peace and stop suffering. I hope everything works out for you.

 

[user56765567]

My heart does go out to you as It sucks that you're going through such a hard time right now and I can agree as well that I'm glad this forum exists as it does help to get some of the weight off and be better understood at least in my experience. I would like to welcome you here to community.