thankyou
Thank you 🙏
- Mar 2, 2023
- 64
I've posted previously about how the cause to me wanting to CTB is late diagnosed autism, and I've been delaying it for a loved one who has offered to "take care" of me (relieve me from the stress of having to work, a significant source of stress as an autistic person.) I wasn't a fan of this plan because ALL I know about my personality has been built around surviving, and my helplessness & gloom is already taking a toll on my well-meaning partner.
But as I suspected, it is not working. It is not making me want to stay. Our relationship is already beginning to fall apart. Additionally, I'm having some chronic health flare ups. The only thing brining me peace right now is delicious food and playing video games, but I know I can't keep that up. I was supposed to see my own family today, but I couldn't leave the house due to physical health conditions. I spent a lot of time attending to my physical health, but I'm still in a lot of pain. Most significantly, sex is becoming more impossible. It's like the one thing I have always been able to offer despite all my deficiencies and even that's being taken away. Though my partner is incredibly good hearted & wouldn't leave over this, it puts an obvious strain on our relationship. This person is the primary reason I haven't CTB'd yet after all, and that isn't fair to them. I don't even feel motivated to brush my teeth. I've tried all the medication to help with this and all the therapies and services but nothing has helped without other major side effects. For instance the best medication I've had for anhedonia then took my ability to sleep away. Im not motivated to entertain professional help anymore. While I recommend everyone else do so, I've been at this for over a decade, and I'm just tired.
I've been given an opportunity to make a new life for myself but I can't be bothered, the anhedonia is too intense. Trying new hobbies and pursuing interests feels pointless now.
Will this be the rest of my life? Mooching off of others kindness, no independence of my own, never being there for loved ones, physical & mental suffering, and taking a toll on those who care for me… I'm just done.
I've made plans to see my family one last time. Then after that, it's time to finally meet my peace.
But as I suspected, it is not working. It is not making me want to stay. Our relationship is already beginning to fall apart. Additionally, I'm having some chronic health flare ups. The only thing brining me peace right now is delicious food and playing video games, but I know I can't keep that up. I was supposed to see my own family today, but I couldn't leave the house due to physical health conditions. I spent a lot of time attending to my physical health, but I'm still in a lot of pain. Most significantly, sex is becoming more impossible. It's like the one thing I have always been able to offer despite all my deficiencies and even that's being taken away. Though my partner is incredibly good hearted & wouldn't leave over this, it puts an obvious strain on our relationship. This person is the primary reason I haven't CTB'd yet after all, and that isn't fair to them. I don't even feel motivated to brush my teeth. I've tried all the medication to help with this and all the therapies and services but nothing has helped without other major side effects. For instance the best medication I've had for anhedonia then took my ability to sleep away. Im not motivated to entertain professional help anymore. While I recommend everyone else do so, I've been at this for over a decade, and I'm just tired.
I've been given an opportunity to make a new life for myself but I can't be bothered, the anhedonia is too intense. Trying new hobbies and pursuing interests feels pointless now.
Will this be the rest of my life? Mooching off of others kindness, no independence of my own, never being there for loved ones, physical & mental suffering, and taking a toll on those who care for me… I'm just done.
I've made plans to see my family one last time. Then after that, it's time to finally meet my peace.
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