Story Lifelong feeling of being watched/surveiled cosmically

[unsaiddes]

I'm aware this all might sound like peak delusion and paranoia, but I just felt like sharing as I realized I've never told anyone these thoughts in fear of sounding totally off the deep end. This is definitely a factor that has played into a lifetime of CTB fantasies.

Ever since I was old enough to be fully self aware, I've had this pervasive feeling that anyone could be watching my every move and hearing my every thought, at any time. Not in a peeping tom, cameras in my house, mind reading superpower sense. In kind of an otherworldly sense. (And no, I'm not religious or spiritual. Or schizophrenic, to my knowledge.)

Think; Scrooge being sent to the past and future and just being able to observe the world and people around him, without interfering. And the people he's watching have no idea he's there, as if he's a ghost. In this example, I'm the one being observed. Another example, think; the idea of your loved ones being able to look down on you from heaven. They can check up on you, follow you around and listen to your prayers from a plane of existence you can't even perceive.

Who do I feel watching me? Depends. Typically it's a celebrity I like but will obviously never meet, or a fictional character I'm particularly interested in. It can also be the real people in my life. Sometimes a friend or family member I've recently spent time with, or a person I haven't spoken to in years after they've crossed my mind.

It makes me uneasy almost 24/7. It forces me to be too self-aware to the point where I detach from the real world around me. It makes me a neurotic perfectionist whose inner voice never shuts the hell up. Of course I do let my guard down once in a while, or I get so distracted by something I don't even think about who might be judging over my shoulder. But at it's worst, the feeling is practically unbearable and the only possible escape is CTB.

Based on my research, this phenomenon could be a severe manifestation of maladaptive daydreaming. Or a symptom of a mood disorder I haven't figured out yet. I'm a woman on the autism spectrum, but I don't think that's related. Really, who knows? I've lived with the feeling this long, and likely one day will put an end to all of it, period.

 

[Lulzacruel]

you might want to search up schizotypal personality disorder. you match most of the traits, the "eccentric" behavior, the ideas of reference and the inner voice and intense imagination.

you might want to speak to a psychiatrist if you can afford one, schizotypal has a bad prognosis without therapy or treatment. while schizotypal is part of the psychosis spectrum it is considerably more tolerable to live with than schizophrenia

 

[axxxu]

I feel you.
I've had this experience ever since I was a child, I thought my favorite characters were watching me and judging me, then so on and so forth. A while ago I believed that I wasn't actually in my house when I took showers, used the bathroom, or did anything remotely private, and that I was actually outside in front of many people doing these activities and it fucked with my mind. I later developed OCD to cope with these thoughts and stop people from "watching me" or reading my mind. I have severe maladaptive daydreaming, as far as I know.
I'm so sorry about what you're going through and I empathize with it. I hope you can figure out what it is.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be so tiring and awful what you have to endure, it's really understandable wishing to escape from that situation. But anyway best wishes.

 

[unsaiddes]

you might want to search up schizotypal personality disorder. you match most of the traits, the "eccentric" behavior, the ideas of reference and the inner voice and intense imagination.

you might want to speak to a psychiatrist if you can afford one, schizotypal has a bad prognosis without therapy or treatment. while schizotypal is part of the psychosis spectrum it is considerably more tolerable to live with than schizophrenia

I've read a bit about schizotypal and have definitely considered it a possibility at multiple points in my life. I kind of brushed the thought away when I got my autism diagnosis, though, because autism seemed to cover the odd communication, odd behaviors and antisocial tendencies.

Maybe I should consider trying to get screened for schizotypal. I have a normal talk therapist and she agrees I have a "daydreaming problem", but I haven't been honest about the extent of this delusion and haven't seen a psychiatrist since I last needed a med change for active ideation in 2021.