MYStERY_Man
The 't' is silent
- Jul 15, 2020
- 225
Context: 24 yo, licensed attorney, suicidal since 2009, socially isolated since 2014 (when I started College).
I like computers. I dislike law. So why did I choose it? Well... in this country, while law can be overvalued, computer science tends to be undervalued. Also, law is a decent degree to pursue a career in the public sector, where my social shortcomings might not be as much of a factor.
I thought I could dedicate 1/3 of my life to something I don't really love in exchange for having decent work-life balance and okay money. I could even mess with computers as a hobby. I was wrong. Or maybe not, but I can't find peace until I find out, and I won't find out until I take a risk.
The risk: it was late 2020, I had been studying for a year to try and pass an exam to get a position in the public sector. Halfway across this journey, I had already changed my motivation: instead of aiming for a longer path to get to the top, I'd use my first job there as a safety net to enroll in a Computer Science course.
The trouble: COVID. The virus pretty much halted every relevant selection process that I had any chance in. One of them was supposed to have taken place a year ago, but hasn't happened yet.
The hope: my father had a deal with the mayor. They would get me a job as a lawyer in the Town Hall. I took that as an opportunity to stop studying to get in the public sector via a more standard/reliable route, and instead started studying for the uni entrance exam. That job would allow me to save enough to get by until I got an internship or another source of income.
The trouble, pt. 2: COVID, yet again. Due to pandemic restrictions, the mayor is unable to open that position until February.
The solution: for now, I'd be hired in a less prestigious role, make 3 times less and get some experience on the side. Not enough. I knew there was another position available, one over which my father also had some influence, I didn't know much about it, but I knew I'd make twice as much, which should be enough to save for College. So I decided to take it.
The job: social service coordinator.
I started last Monday. I have no experience in management, I barely know anything about social services, my social skills are subpar (I should probably be using their services for fucks sake). Yet, I'm supposed to oversee a team of social service workers, plan events, collect and analyze data, conduct meetings and, overall, make sure everything goes as planned even though I don't even know what these plans are. The only thing I'm really qualified for is the one thing I'm running away from: properly understanding and applying the relevant legislation.
That same Monday I laid down to sleep and was hit with the highest degree of anxiety I've felt in over a decade, it lasted for 3 or 4 hours and I all I could think about was putting a rope through the door frame and catching that bus. I didn't, obviously. Now I'm calmer, but still as lost as I was back then, despite having gone through hundreds of pages and hours of videos throughout the week.
Just small town things.
Life, you're absurd.
I like computers. I dislike law. So why did I choose it? Well... in this country, while law can be overvalued, computer science tends to be undervalued. Also, law is a decent degree to pursue a career in the public sector, where my social shortcomings might not be as much of a factor.
I thought I could dedicate 1/3 of my life to something I don't really love in exchange for having decent work-life balance and okay money. I could even mess with computers as a hobby. I was wrong. Or maybe not, but I can't find peace until I find out, and I won't find out until I take a risk.
The risk: it was late 2020, I had been studying for a year to try and pass an exam to get a position in the public sector. Halfway across this journey, I had already changed my motivation: instead of aiming for a longer path to get to the top, I'd use my first job there as a safety net to enroll in a Computer Science course.
The trouble: COVID. The virus pretty much halted every relevant selection process that I had any chance in. One of them was supposed to have taken place a year ago, but hasn't happened yet.
The hope: my father had a deal with the mayor. They would get me a job as a lawyer in the Town Hall. I took that as an opportunity to stop studying to get in the public sector via a more standard/reliable route, and instead started studying for the uni entrance exam. That job would allow me to save enough to get by until I got an internship or another source of income.
The trouble, pt. 2: COVID, yet again. Due to pandemic restrictions, the mayor is unable to open that position until February.
The solution: for now, I'd be hired in a less prestigious role, make 3 times less and get some experience on the side. Not enough. I knew there was another position available, one over which my father also had some influence, I didn't know much about it, but I knew I'd make twice as much, which should be enough to save for College. So I decided to take it.
The job: social service coordinator.
I started last Monday. I have no experience in management, I barely know anything about social services, my social skills are subpar (I should probably be using their services for fucks sake). Yet, I'm supposed to oversee a team of social service workers, plan events, collect and analyze data, conduct meetings and, overall, make sure everything goes as planned even though I don't even know what these plans are. The only thing I'm really qualified for is the one thing I'm running away from: properly understanding and applying the relevant legislation.
That same Monday I laid down to sleep and was hit with the highest degree of anxiety I've felt in over a decade, it lasted for 3 or 4 hours and I all I could think about was putting a rope through the door frame and catching that bus. I didn't, obviously. Now I'm calmer, but still as lost as I was back then, despite having gone through hundreds of pages and hours of videos throughout the week.
Just small town things.
Life, you're absurd.
