Life with ptsd is not even life at all and I wish I could end it now

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Life with complex PTSD is people pushing treatments on you that are meant for other conditions and don't work. Life with complex ptsd is being regarded as insane and mentally ill when a trigger sends your body into a frenzy. Life with complex ptsd is having no relief when the flashbacks come, it is avoiding anything that even reminds you of the memories that you try so hard to distance yourself from, rushing for the remote when all those hospital programs and shows worshipping doctors start blaring on the TV.

It is never being understood by anyone, with their survivorship biases and their one off anecdotes that they used to know someone in x war who "set themselves straight with therapy." It is the heavy wave of fatigue and nausea that comes on after an adrenaline rush, the feeling you know all too well but no power to stop the physical pain. It is being embarrassed and ashamed that you can't accompany someone you care about to the hospital because seeing any of the staff will trigger a cascade of memories, snapshots of abuse flickering through your mind. It is losing intimacy, with your seuxality being permanently warped by those who took advantage of your young body.

It is jumping when you hear yelling, shouting and fighting, gunshots make you wince and sirens make you want to run, run far away from the police and the methheads who cut up your toys and robbed your home. It is constantly being gaslit by others who have no experience with trauma, who can't fathom these things could happen in their 1st world county. Their asinine suggestions that you go on x diet and try x meditation protocol.

It is hearing, "just love yourself!" platitudes when these fuckers have never experienced being groomed and locked away for long periods, not being allowed to go outside or having any semblance of life. It is feeling like an alien when you're surrounded by shiny happy people.

I will not live this way. Taking a handful of propranol and crashing on the couch this morning due to being so triggered is something I physically can't bear again. It happens far too much and people accuse you of being "mentally ill and cRaZy" when the mental health industry is completely garbage at helping anyone with severe, complex, Ptsd. 10 years of therapy and too many drugs to count.

I have lived like this since I was 6 years old and I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I wish people would let me die.

 

[Amumu]

It is constantly being gaslit by others who have no experience with trauma, who can't fathom these things could happen in their 1st world county.

Especially this, it's amazing how some people believe the world is homogeneous everywhere.

Just legalise euthanasia tbh. Hugs to you.

 

[signifying nothing]

I wish people would let me die.

Are you ready to let yourself die? Or are you still trying to live?

 

[◄✵火✵〇°Ø•WÅR•Ī°〇✵火✵►]

That sounds so rough, op. I'm really sorry about all of that. I have felt the same way and had the same thoughts. I understand. The only one who is, has ever been and will ever be able to know the depth, extent and intensity of one's own pain, despair and all other feelings is oneself. All I (and/or others too maybe) can really do, is to wish you peace, freedom and justice. I hope all goes well and ends well for you. I find you very strong and inspiring. I wish you all the best.

 

[Life sucks]

Unfortunately humans ignore everything and pretend life is good and glorify it.

Even if we assume someone chose to play the game of life, there are many situations that make this game unplayable. The only solution is to quit and not to wait and suffer.

Waiting and suffering more solves nothing. Life is already a time wheel that destroys everything, if a solution is not fast then its not really a solution. Why should someone wait and try for a lifetime?

I'll say it straightforwardly, humans as species want more people to exist and stay longer to increase the probability of reproduction. Suffering and pain means nothing to this shitty species and life, which is how they continue existing to this day. Its all based on oppression and ignoring the suffering of others.

I'm sorry you are suffering in this faulty life and wish you peace.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Are you ready to let yourself die? Or are you still trying to live?

I am ready to die but I have to wait months for the opportunity to ship SN and have a discreet location to ctb, as I don't want to involve anyone else, and lockdown still has everything closed and boarded up.

While I still have a tiny bit of apprehension-I think survival instinct is hard to squash completely-the thought of death brings me peace. When I wake up each morning from a dreamless sleep, I always want to return to that state.

Other people keep guilt tripping me and lying to me to try to make me live, saying it gets better. I understand why my grandparent does this, as multiple people in my family have ctb and of course no one would want to add to that number. But others see me suffer daily with no reprieve and just think I'm mentally ill..

 

[GarageKarate07]

Life with complex PTSD is people pushing treatments on you that are meant for other conditions and don't work. Life with complex ptsd is being regarded as insane and mentally ill when a trigger sends your body into a frenzy. Life with complex ptsd is having no relief when the flashbacks come, it is avoiding anything that even reminds you of the memories that you try so hard to distance yourself from, rushing for the remote when all those hospital programs and shows worshipping doctors start blaring on the TV.

It is never being understood by anyone, with their survivorship biases and their one off anecdotes that they used to know someone in x war who "set themselves straight with therapy." It is the heavy wave of fatigue and nausea that comes on after an adrenaline rush, the feeling you know all too well but no power to stop the physical pain. It is being embarrassed and ashamed that you can't accompany someone you care about to the hospital because seeing any of the staff will trigger a cascade of memories, snapshots of abuse flickering through your mind. It is losing intimacy, with your seuxality being permanently warped by those who took advantage of your young body.

It is jumping when you hear yelling, shouting and fighting, gunshots make you wince and sirens make you want to run, run far away from the police and the methheads who cut up your toys and robbed your home. It is constantly being gaslit by others who have no experience with trauma, who can't fathom these things could happen in their 1st world county. Their asinine suggestions that you go on x diet and try x meditation protocol.

It is hearing, "just love yourself!" platitudes when these fuckers have never experienced being groomed and locked away for long periods, not being allowed to go outside or having any semblance of life. It is feeling like an alien when you're surrounded by shiny happy people.

I will not live this way. Taking a handful of propranol and crashing on the couch this morning due to being so triggered is something I physically can't bear again. It happens far too much and people accuse you of being "mentally ill and cRaZy" when the mental health industry is completely garbage at helping anyone with severe, complex, Ptsd. 10 years of therapy and too many drugs to count.

I have lived like this since I was 6 years old and I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I wish people would let me die.

I was going to add yesterday but I feel like crap. It is hard. It is very very hard. To think that you are so broken that the only way to get a fresh start is to leave entirely. Every small hit feels like 1000 hammers on your heart. Wearing the mask for all the other people gets to be tiresome. You feel like you need permission or a sign to go ahead and pass away. The only permission you need is your own. You look forward and try to see a sunny day for you but the shadows of the past have a grip on your mind and no light gets in. The darkness never goes away once it has taken every part of your life. There are no connections and it seems like nobody gives a damn. It's because they don't. They can't possibly understand how it feels to be so broken in a beautiful world. They have no relation to your pain and they don't want one. It's fine for them to cast you aside and call you weak or crazy or an attention seeker. Why does nobody want to hold me? Why does nobody see me? The way out is always there. I think this is exactly what it is for. A door to just leave the room and go home where you somehow remember being loved and happy. They think you'll be around forever but slowly all of our friends have gone so quickly that there seems to be nobody left to remind you of that stable wonderful life they all talk about. This world is not meant for everyone. The fact that we get ignored shows that in a way they dont want us here to remind them of how kuch we have failed. This is not a world worth living in. Pain is no kind of life for anyone. ❤

 

[LONE WOLF.]

Life with complex PTSD is people pushing treatments on you that are meant for other conditions and don't work. Life with complex ptsd is being regarded as insane and mentally ill when a trigger sends your body into a frenzy. Life with complex ptsd is having no relief when the flashbacks come, it is avoiding anything that even reminds you of the memories that you try so hard to distance yourself from, rushing for the remote when all those hospital programs and shows worshipping doctors start blaring on the TV.

It is never being understood by anyone, with their survivorship biases and their one off anecdotes that they used to know someone in x war who "set themselves straight with therapy." It is the heavy wave of fatigue and nausea that comes on after an adrenaline rush, the feeling you know all too well but no power to stop the physical pain. It is being embarrassed and ashamed that you can't accompany someone you care about to the hospital because seeing any of the staff will trigger a cascade of memories, snapshots of abuse flickering through your mind. It is losing intimacy, with your seuxality being permanently warped by those who took advantage of your young body.

It is jumping when you hear yelling, shouting and fighting, gunshots make you wince and sirens make you want to run, run far away from the police and the methheads who cut up your toys and robbed your home. It is constantly being gaslit by others who have no experience with trauma, who can't fathom these things could happen in their 1st world county. Their asinine suggestions that you go on x diet and try x meditation protocol.

It is hearing, "just love yourself!" platitudes when these fuckers have never experienced being groomed and locked away for long periods, not being allowed to go outside or having any semblance of life. It is feeling like an alien when you're surrounded by shiny happy people.

I will not live this way. Taking a handful of propranol and crashing on the couch this morning due to being so triggered is something I physically can't bear again. It happens far too much and people accuse you of being "mentally ill and cRaZy" when the mental health industry is completely garbage at helping anyone with severe, complex, Ptsd. 10 years of therapy and too many drugs to count.

I have lived like this since I was 6 years old and I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I wish people would let me die!

Life with complex PTSD is people pushing treatments on you that are meant for other conditions and don't work. Life with complex ptsd is being regarded as insane and mentally ill when a trigger sends your body into a frenzy. Life with complex ptsd is having no relief when the flashbacks come, it is avoiding anything that even reminds you of the memories that you try so hard to distance yourself from, rushing for the remote when all those hospital programs and shows worshipping doctors start blaring on the TV.

It is never being understood by anyone, with their survivorship biases and their one off anecdotes that they used to know someone in x war who "set themselves straight with therapy." It is the heavy wave of fatigue and nausea that comes on after an adrenaline rush, the feeling you know all too well but no power to stop the physical pain. It is being embarrassed and ashamed that you can't accompany someone you care about to the hospital because seeing any of the staff will trigger a cascade of memories, snapshots of abuse flickering through your mind. It is losing intimacy, with your seuxality being permanently warped by those who took advantage of your young body.

It is jumping when you hear yelling, shouting and fighting, gunshots make you wince and sirens make you want to run, run far away from the police and the methheads who cut up your toys and robbed your home. It is constantly being gaslit by others who have no experience with trauma, who can't fathom these things could happen in their 1st world county. Their asinine suggestions that you go on x diet and try x meditation protocol.

It is hearing, "just love yourself!" platitudes when these fuckers have never experienced being groomed and locked away for long periods, not being allowed to go outside or having any semblance of life. It is feeling like an alien when you're surrounded by shiny happy people.

I will not live this way. Taking a handful of propranol and crashing on the couch this morning due to being so triggered is something I physically can't bear again. It happens far too much and people accuse you of being "mentally ill and cRaZy" when the mental health industry is completely garbage at helping anyone with severe, complex, Ptsd. 10 years of therapy and too many drugs to count.

I have lived like this since I was 6 years old and I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I wish people would let me die.

Me too, l want to be gone from this selfish fake world so bad!

 

[theresonlyonewayout]

I feel this!! Thanks for writing it op. I have just completed one whole years worth of DBT for C-PTSD. It's changed nothing as I suggested might be the case, it's a harmful treatment for someone with C-PTSD in my humble opinion and experience. How can I fight the trauma if the trauma remains untreated - after another YEAR!! I asked my therapist at the start when it was ok for me to give up. She replied not yet we are at the beginning. I told her she was at the beginning, it had already been years for me. My last appointment this week - I intend to ask her if it's ok now. I'm not being impulsive etc. I'm just too tired to fight anymore. I have my SN ticket out.

 

[lostundead]

Doctors are often portrayed as half gods in this society, so of course if they cant help you its always the patients fault and you're accused of being "just crazy/mentally ill" or "not trying hard enough".

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I feel this!! Thanks for writing it op. I have just completed one whole years worth of DBT for C-PTSD. It's changed nothing as I suggested might be the case, it's a harmful treatment for someone with C-PTSD in my humble opinion and experience. How can I fight the trauma if the trauma remains untreated - after another YEAR!! I asked my therapist at the start when it was ok for me to give up. She replied not yet we are at the beginning. I told her she was at the beginning, it had already been years for me. My last appointment this week - I intend to ask her if it's ok now. I'm not being impulsive etc. I'm just too tired to fight anymore. I have my SN ticket out.

I still can't believe they keep regurgitating behavioral therapies as a solution for trauma victims. People will continue to think and feel certain ways if their living situation is still awful and if the original trauma isn't dealt with. I told my last therapist that I would not do CBT and she's like like, DBT? NO, dear god at least use your brains and do some research on the shit you're preaching as a solution. You may as well be throwing leeches on a cancer patient and saying: "Wait, let me try these other slightly different leeches, surely they'll work!"

Selling Bad Therapy to Trauma Victims

Patients and therapists should ignore new guidelines for treating trauma.

www.psychologytoday.com

 

[GarageKarate07]

I still can't believe they keep regurgitating behavioral therapies as a solution for trauma victims. People will continue to think and feel certain ways if their living situation is still awful and if the original trauma isn't dealt with. I told my last therapist that I would not do CBT and she's like like, DBT? NO, dear god at least use your brains and do some research on the shit you're preaching as a solution. You may as well be throwing leeches on a cancer patient and saying: "Wait, let me try these other slightly different leeches, surely they'll work!"

Selling Bad Therapy to Trauma Victims

Patients and therapists should ignore new guidelines for treating trauma.

www.psychologytoday.com

On the upside and not to be a smartass, they could issue us pet leeches in a tank with some food and water and that might actually be a form of therapy for some. Raising leeches could be a good vent. IMO

 

[Downbylife]

Reading this broke my heart. Sending you much love

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Doctors are often portrayed as half gods in this society, so of course if they cant help you its always the patients fault and you're accused of being "just crazy/mentally ill" or "not trying hard enough".

This is so true. Doctors are one of the biggest reasons I want to die. Not just cause they traumatized me, molested me twice, and took my clothes away from me as a young child while I was in a vunerable state, but the complete malpractice and failure to help me.

As a young teenager I first started feeling pain and fatigue, got sent to a doctor who was more concerned with touching my young body rather than sending me for any laboratory tests. They wouldn't stop touching me even though I was triggered and clearly didn't want it, so I got prescribed heavy blood pressure drugs for a problem that I didn't have. They told me I had anxiety and depression and I was drugged up for years.

Multiple psychiatrists and therapists reinforced that I was just depressed, even though undiagnosed autism was leading to punishment at school. None of them would send me for a blood test, and my pain got worse and worse. By the time I finally got sent for a lab test, it had been 6 years since my legs first started hurting.

I was malnourished and had practically no vitamin D or B12. Restoring proper levels did nothing at that point because not only do I have suspected neuropathy, but I got sick with a virus and never recovered due to my shit immune system at the time, and now I have chronic fatigue syndrome.

I am permanently fucked up now because of their negligence. For their sexual abuse of me, when I was shaking and almost in tears, helpless to fight back. I hope my cause of death is listed as doctors and not suicide.

This is the only doctor I will ever trust. The rest of them can take their clapping and their true hero worship and shove it up their damn arses.

 

[lostundead]

I hope my cause of death is listed as doctors and not suicide.

There is no justice in this world unfortunately but if you still know them, you could write down their names on your note and say what they did to you, maybe it would bring them some trouble atleast. People only care when death comes into play.

 

[737492]

I am literally never going to have a healthy relationship with sex because of my sexual abuse as a child. What to others is a pleasurable and fun act makes me go numb and feel like I'm losing my sense of identity.

I watch my friends have constant hookups and enjoy them, but to do the same I'd need to be heavily intoxicated, so I've just been celibate for several months and feeling like a freak.

It's one of the many reasons why I don't think it's possible for anyone to ever love me. Sex is such an important part of a relationship. Who would want someone who's terrified of it? Who breaks down crying and shaking after intimacy? Who needs alcohol and drugs to get through with it?