Life with Bipolar and Borderline is not worth living (my story)

[thorsve]

I want to excuse anyone reading this for my poor English, it's not my first language. I'm a 23 year old male diagnosed with Bipolar type 1, Borderline, PTSD and ADHD. Growing up I had a rough upbringing with an abusive dad, diagnosed with ASPD, and a mother that was mentally ill and also abused drugs until she died from an overdose when I was 10. Even though my mum was an addict she was much more capable of showing me and my siblings love compared to my dad. I was always the black sheep, the punching bag, a mere mean for him to project all the negative things happening in our life. Because of this I took the first best chance to move out of the household and start studying at university. At first, everything went well but during my second semester my life totally fell apart. I started remembering my trauma, had troubles sleeping, abused Xanax and had short term, destructive, unstable relationships with the people I dated. Fast forward 1 year and I had my first full blown bipolar manic episode, where I ended up trying to hurt my dad and was hospitalised by the courts order. I spent weeks in a mental asylum and got my bipolar diagnosis very quickly. As time moved on I opened up about my past and got screened for PTSD and Borderline, but have yet to receive treatment due to waiting times at the hospital.

Now I'm sitting here writing to you guys, most of my friends have left me. Most of my family disowned me during my manic episode. I have amassed a huge amount of debts during my manic episodes. The debt collectors are most likely going to claim everything that keeps me somewhat sane. And to be honest, I just want to end it all. I'm sick and tired of the episodic mood swings as much as my daily ones. I never trust people and have unstable relationships because of that. I feel like I'm living inside my own hell. I have been on a sick leave from work and school for a year and have one more year until I have to start working again. But I don't want to, I don't feel like I'm capable of keeping a job, and suicide is the only thing that comforts me. I never asked to be born with multiple mental illnesses. Yet I'm expected to live a life suffering everyday. Euthanasia is not allowed in my country and probably never will. I've tried suicide two times but got caught and rushed to the hospital. At least I didn't turn out to be a vegetable. If you're reading this, thanks for taking your time.

 

[MidnightDream]

First of all, your English is incredible. I never would have thought you weren't a native speaker.
Secondly, I'm really sorry for what you've experienced. I have BPD too, so I completely understand that side of things and I can't imagine how difficult it must be to deal with alongside bipolar. Hopefully this site can help provide you with a sense of community, and help you discover resources that might help you avoid hospitalisation (and permanent damage!) in the future. We're all here for you, welcome.

 

[thorsve]

First of all, your English is incredible. I never would have thought you weren't a native speaker.
Secondly, I'm really sorry for what you've experienced. I have BPD too, so I completely understand that side of things and I can't imagine how difficult it must be to deal with alongside bipolar. Hopefully this site can help provide you with a sense of community, and help you discover resources that might help you avoid hospitalisation (and permanent damage!) in the future. We're all here for you, welcome.

You're too kind. To be honest, BPD is worse than Bipolar for me right now. I am medicated for my bipolar and have been so for a while. But the meds have no affect on the BPD. May I ask if you are in treatment for BPD? And if so, has it helped you? Yes definitely, this is the perfect site for me right now. Thanks, and even more thanks for taking your time to read my post!

 

[thebunny]

thank you for taking your time and courage to share your experience. as someone who was recently diagnosed with bipolar and bpd—and a myriad of other things, i understand how you feel. it's a constant battle with myself that i keep on losing yet at the same time, i keep on fighting. it's draining and exhausting and the best way to win the battle is to just give up. i've also been on a state where my relationships fell apart because of my issues. it's heartbreaking to see all these people come and go and it's even more heartbreaking when the reason is you. nevertheless, i hope you don't completely blame yourself and beat yourself up for the things that happened.

anyway, i'm sorry that you're in the same boat. i wish things were better for us. i hope you find some sort of comfort while you're here on the forum and that you find the resources that you need. feel free to dm me whenever you need company! always down for a good chat. i wish you all the best. sending hugs!

 

[thorsve]

thank you for taking your time and courage to share your experience. as someone who was recently diagnosed with bipolar and bpd—and a myriad of other things, i understand how you feel. it's a constant battle with myself that i keep on losing yet at the same time, i keep on fighting. it's draining and exhausting and the best way to win the battle is to just give up. i've also been on a state where my relationships fell apart because of my issues. it's heartbreaking to see all these people come and go and it's even more heartbreaking when the reason is you. nevertheless, i hope you don't completely blame yourself and beat yourself up for the things that happened.

anyway, i'm sorry that you're in the same boat. i wish things were better for us. i hope you find some sort of comfort while you're here on the forum and that you find the resources that you need. feel free to dm me whenever you need company! always down for a good chat. i wish you all the best. sending hugs!

Thank you for reading and sharing. I'm so sorry to hear you have also been diagnosed with similar diagnosis.. But it's somehow also great to know I'm not alone. Yes that constant fighting is so draining and in the end I feel it amasses to nothing. I have recently had a couple off days where I was feeling okay, and now I'm back in my own shithole, again. I'm not sure if you blame yourself, but I for the most part do. I beat myself up for having certain episodes, where I've lost people, even though my doctors tell me I really couldn't control what was really happening. I think I will find some comfort and resources here and as soon as I can DM, I will. I'm still very new to the site I will. I wish you all the best too, and who knows? Maybe things will get better for us, at least more manageable. hugs

 

[thebunny]

I'm not sure if you blame yourself, but I for the most part do.

i do. a little voice inside my head tells me i shouldn't because i didn't have much control over myself when i did the things i did, but i do. i'm still filled with regret and guilt for the things i've done. though it's no use to cry over spilled milk, it does feel good to cry about it all rather than be numb about it. i use to take in medication for bipolar, but it made me a zombie. i hate to feel like such again.

and as soon as I can DM, I will.

can't wait! would really love to talk to someone who has similar experiences. just need a friend who won't back away from me and get scared because i have bpd and bipolar.

 

[lifeisadream]

Hello & welcome to the site. You've been really brave to open up & share your story with us. Sorry life hasn't been kind to you. It's good you feel safe to express your thoughts & feelings here.

I too have bipolar with borderline & I've learnt to not let those labels define me. More than happy to chat with you.

Sending you & hugs.

 

[thorsve]

i do. a little voice inside my head tells me i shouldn't because i didn't have much control over myself when i did the things i did, but i do. i'm still filled with regret and guilt for the things i've done. though it's no use to cry over spilled milk, it does feel good to cry about it all rather than be numb about it. i use to take in medication for bipolar, but it made me a zombie. i hate to feel like such again.

Ahhh that voice.. But as you're saying, if there is nothing we can change, go back in time etc.. is it really something a good cry session can't fix? About the zombie-feeling - I felt that. I only take my meds so I don't have episodic mood swings on top of the BPD. When I'm manic from bipolar my BPD amplifies it so much it's unbearable. One minute I'm god, another I'm crying, the third I'm flying to Greece, the forth I'm going back to my ex.

can't wait! would really love to talk to someone who has similar experiences. just need a friend who won't back away from me and get scared because i have bpd and bipolar.

Same! For sure won't get scared.

 

[lionetta12]

I want to excuse anyone reading this for my poor English, it's not my first language. I'm a 23 year old male diagnosed with Bipolar type 1, Borderline, PTSD and ADHD. Growing up I had a rough upbringing with an abusive dad, diagnosed with ASPD, and a mother that was mentally ill and also abused drugs until she died from an overdose when I was 10. Even though my mum was an addict she was much more capable of showing me and my siblings love compared to my dad. I was always the black sheep, the punching bag, a mere mean for him to project all the negative things happening in our life. Because of this I took the first best chance to move out of the household and start studying at university. At first, everything went well but during my second semester my life totally fell apart. I started remembering my trauma, had troubles sleeping, abused Xanax and had short term, destructive, unstable relationships with the people I dated. Fast forward 1 year and I had my first full blown bipolar manic episode, where I ended up trying to hurt my dad and was hospitalised by the courts order. I spent weeks in a mental asylum and got my bipolar diagnosis very quickly. As time moved on I opened up about my past and got screened for PTSD and Borderline, but have yet to receive treatment due to waiting times at the hospital.

Now I'm sitting here writing to you guys, most of my friends have left me. Most of my family disowned me during my manic episode. I have amassed a huge amount of debts during my manic episodes. The debt collectors are most likely going to claim everything that keeps me somewhat sane. And to be honest, I just want to end it all. I'm sick and tired of the episodic mood swings as much as my daily ones. I never trust people and have unstable relationships because of that. I feel like I'm living inside my own hell. I have been on a sick leave from work and school for a year and have one more year until I have to start working again. But I don't want to, I don't feel like I'm capable of keeping a job, and suicide is the only thing that comforts me. I never asked to be born with multiple mental illnesses. Yet I'm expected to live a life suffering everyday. Euthanasia is not allowed in my country and probably never will. I've tried suicide two times but got caught and rushed to the hospital. At least I didn't turn out to be a vegetable. If you're reading this, thanks for taking your time.

I can't even fathom what it must be like to have Bipolar type 1, Borderline or ADHD. I've known a few people with these 3, and they all told me how hard life was and that they tried to CTB a few times while explaining how difficult life can be for them. I feel horrible to know that there's people who have to go through life with any of this. It sounds like a very hard way of living and incredibly painful. I know what PTSD is like since I have that, but I really don't know how anyone can handle life with PTSD in addition to things such as bipolar and ADHD added on top of that. I'm sorry you have had to go through all of this.

 

[MidnightDream]

You're too kind. To be honest, BPD is worse than Bipolar for me right now. I am medicated for my bipolar and have been so for a while. But the meds have no affect on the BPD. May I ask if you are in treatment for BPD? And if so, has it helped you? Yes definitely, this is the perfect site for me right now. Thanks, and even more thanks for taking your time to read my post!

They both have their individual challenges for sure, but in my experience Bipolar is definitely easier to medicate and in turn, treat. BPD I've found, as a healthcare student and as a patient myself, is quite difficult to deal with clinically! There's no specific meds that will touch it, and cocktails are always difficult to get right. To answer your question, I've been in and out of treatment since I was a kid, primarily crisis management and DBT. To be honest with you, I haven't found any of it very useful. But I'm stubborn, and I was moved between services quite frequently so I found it very difficult to keep up with. I'm not currently receiving any treatment, I moved cities and didn't bother after that. But there are absolutely services out there if that's a route you are wanting to explore.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really horrible what you have been through, it must be tiring having to endure so much suffering. I also find comfort in the thought of being gone from this world.
I wish you freedom.

 

[almaranthine]

I destroyed so many things in my life due to manic episodes. So many broken phones, car accidents, and hospital visits... where I live (US) medical debt does not necessarily go against your credit in the same way that other types of debt do. Apparently after 7 years they tend not to even show up on a credit report. I have debts from all kinds of different hospitals and still get "bills" from debt collectors going back to 2014. It's very stressful knowing I will never have a clean slate and even if I won the lottery and paid these debts it would still be a struggle to have clean credit because once the original creditor has sold the debt off, many of these slimy debt collection agencies will gladly accept your money and your credit will not change unless you go through the extensive process of reporting it over and over. At my age (27) it feels pointless to even try anymore... I could never do the normal things that people approaching their 30s can do. The only reason I have an apartment is because someone added me to their existing lease. Otherwise, I don't even think I'd be approved to live in a shed in the ghetto. My family still somehow thinks there is hope for me which I find laughable. My grandmother passed away last year and left me an undisclosed amount of money, but my uncle as the executor of her estate won't even tell me how much... and will never actually give me that amount because not even my grandma, the only person I felt like actually genuinely accepted me and loved me despite my massive flaws as a person... didn't trust me with the money. On top of not trusting me, she imagined I could be potentially abused and extorted financially by whomever I lived with upon inheriting the funds. I don't even blame her for this sadly. I completely understand your hopelessness. I've moved about 8 times in the last 10 years and the debt collectors never fail to find me.