SovietSuicide
Student
- Jan 8, 2022
- 104
Hey everyone, I come back here everytime I feel it. I'm late 20s now. Had suicidal thoughts since I was 14/15.
Last time I was here was about 2 years ago I think, I am CS/VFX grad but in UK I was super depressed working shitty min wage jobs so I went to Thailand to be digital nomad kind of then AI came so I got into teaching, I really like teaching but I've worked 3 different places and the boss/management is always so toxic. The job I have right now is toxic management + too much work. I literally can't keep up.
Fuck I have to go in today and I really do not feel it, I should not be in a room full of students right now. I feel like both teaching & CS industries are just full of fucking assholes, life is meaningless. I'm buried in work but I just spent all weekend watching people shoot themselves at gun ranges.
No matter what you try to do there's always something flawed, something wrong, relationships go bad, jobs go bad. I should be happy, I live in a beautiful country, I make more than 95% of the population, I mostly enjoy what I do but still I don't and it just shows to me how much of a scam it all is.
Camus talks about getting on with life despite knowing the meaninglessness of it as an act of 'rebellion' but who is he rebelling against? Mere existence is painful & without any real meaning the real answer to his question of philosophy is yes you should just kill yourself.
I had 1 year that I was in love, life was somewhat worth it but it was still so painful just to get through each day & I don't think I'll ever even feel that again.
Idk what the point of this post is.
Last time I was here was about 2 years ago I think, I am CS/VFX grad but in UK I was super depressed working shitty min wage jobs so I went to Thailand to be digital nomad kind of then AI came so I got into teaching, I really like teaching but I've worked 3 different places and the boss/management is always so toxic. The job I have right now is toxic management + too much work. I literally can't keep up.
Fuck I have to go in today and I really do not feel it, I should not be in a room full of students right now. I feel like both teaching & CS industries are just full of fucking assholes, life is meaningless. I'm buried in work but I just spent all weekend watching people shoot themselves at gun ranges.
No matter what you try to do there's always something flawed, something wrong, relationships go bad, jobs go bad. I should be happy, I live in a beautiful country, I make more than 95% of the population, I mostly enjoy what I do but still I don't and it just shows to me how much of a scam it all is.
Camus talks about getting on with life despite knowing the meaninglessness of it as an act of 'rebellion' but who is he rebelling against? Mere existence is painful & without any real meaning the real answer to his question of philosophy is yes you should just kill yourself.
I had 1 year that I was in love, life was somewhat worth it but it was still so painful just to get through each day & I don't think I'll ever even feel that again.
Idk what the point of this post is.
