dragonofenvy
Mage
- Oct 8, 2023
- 562
Hi, first-time poster here after lurking on and off for a few months. I figured for my first post I'd kick things off about my experience with hope. This was mostly my intention when joining up with the site as I've never had a place where I could share this without some form of punishment. I'll try to condense it to about a thousand words if possible. I have a lot I could talk about but that's not something for the first post, not yet anyway.
I was born with autism (Asperger's specifically) and was diagnosed very early, at about age 2 after I missed several developmental milestones. It alone was enough to make my life hell. What I've always found odd about it is that they always like to tell you about how there are lots of successful autistic people who own businesses or are high-level managers at big companies. What they don't tell you about is the experience of the majority, which is generally a very lonely existence.
My mother often would get frustrated by my behavior, often verbally and physically abusing me when I couldn't contain my emotions. School wasn't much better as by the time I hit about age 6 other kids stopped wanting to be around me since I had difficulty containing myself. I mostly kept to myself at that point, but would often be bullied by other students due to my lack of control. Eventually at about age 8, I was banned from eating lunch or going to recess from other kids due to the bullying, since apparently defending myself from kids hitting me puts me at fault more than the perpetrators. So I spent most of my days in the special education classroom, where I, along with the other sped kids were abused as well. So I had to deal with that, and bullying at school, and then my mom at home. Every time I tried to get help with it I was dismissed. The common excuses were that I was the one causing the problem, that I was overactive and hyper, I was making it up, and that I needed to learn how to become a man and deal with it. I was 8 so I didn't know any better and just kept soldiering on through the torment. I kept telling myself that when I was older I could move schools and things would be better. I clung to that hope for four years.
My father was pretty cool though. He'd often take me on hunting trips and even bought me a PlayStation. So despite all of this stuff I was dealing with I at least had video games and hunting trips to distract me. While he wasn't attuned to my entire situation (he like everyone else never believed that I was being abused at school or by my mother), he at least was somewhat sympathetic, at least when I was much younger. He'd always tell me that if I kept pushing through that things would get much better when I was old enough to move schools, among other things. I wasn't quite old enough to realize that it was just another way of dismissing me.
I eventually got help, despite asking for it for years. I had to make several threats to my school to get it, but at least I got it right? Wrong. I was still being dismissed every step of the way by my parents, teachers, and therapist. To them, I was the problem. There was no situation causing my problem, I simply was born bad. In fact, when I told my mother that I was suicidal, the first words out of her mouth were "I don't care."
I moved schools at 12 and things were going well for a while. My mom stopped being completely abusive and would only sometimes degrade me and be dismissive of my issues, but I was able to avoid her and spend all my time gaming in the basement (lol). I knew that I was damaged beyond repair at this point. Despite my efforts, I couldn't make friends, and my therapist told me that it was because I wasn't trying hard enough. I don't think it occurred to him that a combination of autism and never having any childhood friends and spending almost every day alone might have something to do with the development of social skills. I decided I didn't need friends. I'd just push through middle and then high school and go to college. I didn't need any of that, I was going to go work in IT. When I left high school I'd go make friends, move out of my parent's home, and build a good life. That is what kept me going through all of those years of pain and loneliness.
I never ended up getting my computer science degree. I had a perfect GPA in college, but that wasn't enough for me to land an internship which I needed for my degree. I now work at a metal casting plant, making barely enough to cover living expenses.
I never ended up making any friends. Every time I try I can tell that they think I'm awkward and want to get away from me. I can only ever hold a conversation for maybe 15 seconds. I can't practice my social skills when people want to talk to me.
I did move out of my parent's house to a cheap apartment. I'm woken up by the sounds of cars driving past, by people slamming doors shut, by my upstairs neighbor stomping around their unit and doing laundry at 2 a.m. I can also barely afford it despite it being dirt cheap in comparison to how big cities price theirs.
I spent my entire life living on hopes that I was never able to achieve. Now I have nothing. The best I can do now is come home and be alone in my apartment every day. Live a life where I consider working at a soulless soup factory as a step up from my current job that treats me as nothing more than the number of units I'm able to produce and nothing more. I lived hoping that I would be able to make friends, find love, and even if I couldn't, my career would be fulfilling.
I spent my whole life suffering in silence. Alone, dismissed by those who were supposed to care about me, and hurt by those who were supposed to support me. I'm seen only as a depressed loser stuck at a factory job, and not as a man who had to swim against the waves only to be pushed back by the tsunami. I hoped that I would be able to make things better, only to watch that hope slowly fade like embers in a fire. Now there's nothing left but the ashes of what could have been, but will never be.
I was born with autism (Asperger's specifically) and was diagnosed very early, at about age 2 after I missed several developmental milestones. It alone was enough to make my life hell. What I've always found odd about it is that they always like to tell you about how there are lots of successful autistic people who own businesses or are high-level managers at big companies. What they don't tell you about is the experience of the majority, which is generally a very lonely existence.
My mother often would get frustrated by my behavior, often verbally and physically abusing me when I couldn't contain my emotions. School wasn't much better as by the time I hit about age 6 other kids stopped wanting to be around me since I had difficulty containing myself. I mostly kept to myself at that point, but would often be bullied by other students due to my lack of control. Eventually at about age 8, I was banned from eating lunch or going to recess from other kids due to the bullying, since apparently defending myself from kids hitting me puts me at fault more than the perpetrators. So I spent most of my days in the special education classroom, where I, along with the other sped kids were abused as well. So I had to deal with that, and bullying at school, and then my mom at home. Every time I tried to get help with it I was dismissed. The common excuses were that I was the one causing the problem, that I was overactive and hyper, I was making it up, and that I needed to learn how to become a man and deal with it. I was 8 so I didn't know any better and just kept soldiering on through the torment. I kept telling myself that when I was older I could move schools and things would be better. I clung to that hope for four years.
My father was pretty cool though. He'd often take me on hunting trips and even bought me a PlayStation. So despite all of this stuff I was dealing with I at least had video games and hunting trips to distract me. While he wasn't attuned to my entire situation (he like everyone else never believed that I was being abused at school or by my mother), he at least was somewhat sympathetic, at least when I was much younger. He'd always tell me that if I kept pushing through that things would get much better when I was old enough to move schools, among other things. I wasn't quite old enough to realize that it was just another way of dismissing me.
I eventually got help, despite asking for it for years. I had to make several threats to my school to get it, but at least I got it right? Wrong. I was still being dismissed every step of the way by my parents, teachers, and therapist. To them, I was the problem. There was no situation causing my problem, I simply was born bad. In fact, when I told my mother that I was suicidal, the first words out of her mouth were "I don't care."
I moved schools at 12 and things were going well for a while. My mom stopped being completely abusive and would only sometimes degrade me and be dismissive of my issues, but I was able to avoid her and spend all my time gaming in the basement (lol). I knew that I was damaged beyond repair at this point. Despite my efforts, I couldn't make friends, and my therapist told me that it was because I wasn't trying hard enough. I don't think it occurred to him that a combination of autism and never having any childhood friends and spending almost every day alone might have something to do with the development of social skills. I decided I didn't need friends. I'd just push through middle and then high school and go to college. I didn't need any of that, I was going to go work in IT. When I left high school I'd go make friends, move out of my parent's home, and build a good life. That is what kept me going through all of those years of pain and loneliness.
I never ended up getting my computer science degree. I had a perfect GPA in college, but that wasn't enough for me to land an internship which I needed for my degree. I now work at a metal casting plant, making barely enough to cover living expenses.
I never ended up making any friends. Every time I try I can tell that they think I'm awkward and want to get away from me. I can only ever hold a conversation for maybe 15 seconds. I can't practice my social skills when people want to talk to me.
I did move out of my parent's house to a cheap apartment. I'm woken up by the sounds of cars driving past, by people slamming doors shut, by my upstairs neighbor stomping around their unit and doing laundry at 2 a.m. I can also barely afford it despite it being dirt cheap in comparison to how big cities price theirs.
I spent my entire life living on hopes that I was never able to achieve. Now I have nothing. The best I can do now is come home and be alone in my apartment every day. Live a life where I consider working at a soulless soup factory as a step up from my current job that treats me as nothing more than the number of units I'm able to produce and nothing more. I lived hoping that I would be able to make friends, find love, and even if I couldn't, my career would be fulfilling.
I spent my whole life suffering in silence. Alone, dismissed by those who were supposed to care about me, and hurt by those who were supposed to support me. I'm seen only as a depressed loser stuck at a factory job, and not as a man who had to swim against the waves only to be pushed back by the tsunami. I hoped that I would be able to make things better, only to watch that hope slowly fade like embers in a fire. Now there's nothing left but the ashes of what could have been, but will never be.
