NSFW Life Post-SA: How I Overcame Intrusive Thoughts During Sex/Masturbation AND a Porn Addiction

The Actual Devil · 2025-05-16T21:21:36-0500

TW: Everything in the title.

TL; DR: The most important parts I have written in 'Courier New' in Blue (sometimes purple: those are links). Also, you might find the links useful.

The porn addition section is about halfway through this post.

Note: I use the term sexual experience(s) to include both sex and masturbation throughout this post.

Some other Subjects Covered/Touched Upon:

Sexual Healing Post-SA
Post-SA Sexual Wellness
General Sexual Wellness
Coping Mechanisms for Intrusive Thoughts During Sexual Experiences

Hello Recovery Side! This will be my first self-started thread over here, and it's about a topic that is both intense and specific. However, with a little patience, I'm sure many will find this advice helpful for a variety of similar situations. I chose NSFW as the tag due to the explicit nature of the topic, but this is mainly meant to be a resource while it is also part of my story.

It's been over a decade since I experienced SA myself, and ever since then, I experience intrusive thoughts about those horrid times, especially during sexually charged moments. Over the years, I have tried many coping mechanisms and have even found some that work for me. I hope that they can help some of you, too.

After experiencing sexual assault, do not rush or allow yourself to be rushed into subsequent sexual experiences. Let your body tell you when you are ready to reconnect with your sexuality. Meanwhile, take all the time you need to heal. There is no timeframe on how long your healing will take. Eventually, you should feel those familiar biological urges return on their own. It is important that when you indulge them, you do so in a safe manner, armed with a variety of healthy coping skills.

Unfortunately, I've tried some bad coping mechanisms that led to a stint with porn addiction. As a result, I can offer some advice on how to deal with that topic as well.

Let's start with some general advice for dealing with intrusive thoughts, framed around what is likely available during sexual experiences.

Breathing exercises
Box breathing and Lion's Breath especially pair well with low-intensity sexual experiences.

Practicing breathing control during sexual experiences can heighten the positive sensations, further grounding you to the moment.

You can find more information about Box Breathing in one of Recovery's resources.
Counting
Backwards or forwards, just count slowly.

There is likely something rhythmic happening during a sexual experience: you can count strokes, thrusts, etc. Slow counting may not be an option here, though, and fast counting might take you out of the moment.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation
You can tense up and relax various muscles in your body, rhythmically in a cycle. This is an anxiety coping skill that also helps with intrusive thoughts.

The routine detailed in the link above can take you out of the sexual moment, so to speak, so I propose a modified version.

Instead of the cycle they listed, try: forehead, tongue, buttocks, Kegels, sphincter, toes. Feel free to add or remove your own. I omitted areas like hands, jaw, back, etc., because they are often busy at such a time, and the goal is to overcome intrusive thoughts and other bothers during sex, without stopping the act.
Most importantly: Ground yourself. Keep your senses occupied: preferably, all of them.
Smell

Scented candles or incense. Personally, I don't like having smoke in my home unless it's being blown outside via a fan or fume hood. It's also an unnecessary fire hazard, so I avoid this one. But, it is an easy, cheap, and classic option, seen by many as romantic.

Electric wax melters. Some are battery-operated. Melting wax alone does not create smoke. Requires wax melts, which are more costly to fill than the next option.

Electric diffusers. Most are battery-powered/rechargeable. Fueled by essential oils. I couldn't care less about the claims of what the different oils can do for you; just pick a scent you like and ignore the hype. Specifically, I choose evaporative diffusers. These are the cheapest and make oil last the longest, as far as I can tell. You can get ones with mood lighting as well, very cheaply. Evaporative ones are powered by a quiet fan rather than some wacky nebulizer or fire-hazard creating heating element. This is my personal choice for scents during intimate times.

Make/get some potpourri.

Food: bake or cook something, or buy food with a strong smell, like curry. I find this option convenient (we all must eat), but it can clash with the mood and is easy to become nose-blind to.

Taste

If you are with a partner in person, I'm pretty confident they will be ecstatic to help you find some way to use your mouth.

Remember to practice good conversation skills here. Not everyone wants to hold a conversation during sex, which is fair, so talk about what they like beforehand if at all possible.

And for the love of everything, get their enthusiastic consent!!!

Many kinks involve food, ice cubes, menthol, numbing sprays, etc.: these all check the "Taste" box.

If they want you to use your mouth for something that you don't like the taste of, but otherwise would like to do, get some miracle berries. Or perhaps flavored dental dams and/or condoms. Latex-free for me, thanks.

Switch to a regular condom for anal or vaginal intercourse while reserving the flavored ones for oral sex!!!

If by chance they do not want your mouth involved in any way, consider a hard candy, gum, or long-lasting breath mint; in a pinch, lollipops can become hard candies if you cut the stick off first.

While alone, you can suck on a lollipop or other long-lasting food item such as chewing gum.

Since we're talking about masturbation, I might as well address the elephant in the room: yes, some people like to "taste themselves" during this time. Fair play, this counts, too.

Hearing

(Romantic) Music

Go loud and proud or be a good neighbor and use headphones/earbuds.

Noise machine

If you are in the shower, the sound of rushing water might be enough. Alternatively, get a shower speaker.

Touch

It's very fair if you think this is unnecessary, given the context, but bear with me.

It's possible that during a sexual experience post-SA, you might experience a sensation that drags you back into those awful moments. Please be considerate of yourself and avoid those sensations while you heal. If with a partner, tell them what to avoid.

There are many therapeutic methods for getting to the point where you can enjoy all sensations as you did before. What worked for me was immersion. Slowly expose yourself in small amounts to what triggers you until the trigger is gone.

Feel free to explore new kinks unrelated to your SA

The keyword is "unrelated." I don't kink-shame, but post-SA, I highly advise against you following the path of developing a CNC fetish. If you don't know what that is, turn on your safe search before looking it up, or look for it on an encyclopedia to avoid triggers.

Kinks are not fetishes. A fetish is something you depend on for baseline sexual gratification, like an addiction. Kinks are just part of the variety that is the spice of life: you don't need them, but they can enhance your sex life.

I don't fetish-shame either, but many consider fetishes in general unhealthy, especially post-SA.

Try incorporating new sensations such as tickling, light spanking, or food play (see "Taste," above).

Try a new erogenous zone: you could be surprised how many there are.

TOYS!

I don't mean Matchbox cars (but again, I don't kink-shame); I'm talking nightstand accoutrement.

Dildos, beads, plugs, fleshlights, pumps, clothing, etc. Even bondage gear can be used (with no CNC aspects needed).

For anything you plan on inserting into your body, it MUST have a WIDE, FLARED BASE!! The wider the better! Think of a sword with a flat handguard. Make sure it's wider than any other part of the toy. The goal is to prevent it from getting stuck inside and sending you to the hospital.

Vibrators

Can be clipped onto skin, worn on body parts, or inserted (see above warning encouraging use of a flared base).

This is my number one suggestion for grounding yourself during a sexual experience, as the sensations are capable of overwhelming outside thoughts. They can feel so intense, your brain practically turns off everything but the pleasure. It comes with caveats, though.

Overuse can lead to desensitization. The feeling can be so good, it could become an addiction. As with sex/masturbation in general, avoid overdoing it.

In severe cases, it can lead to the inability to reach orgasm without a vibrator of some kind. It's not a permanent problem, though; you will need to "detox" from it.

Please use responsibly. E.g., if you use vibrators for a few orgasms in a row, don't use them for the next one. Remember: variety is the spice of life. This will help prevent desensitization.

SIGHT (when you are with a partner)

I am abandoning the bullet points (for now) because my advice is simple yet can get complicated. The simple part: look at them. Eye contact, as much as possible. It's both grounding and romantic.

Here's an example of how it can get complicated. I was with a woman, a fellow SA survivor. Our first time together, I needed to maintain eye contact to ground myself, and she was suddenly very upset by this, insisting I not look at her at all. Without my grounding, the intrusive thoughts won, distracting me so much that I couldn't perform. That made her feel unwanted and unattractive, and we both spiraled.

Later on, and with cooler heads, we talked about what had happened. As you may have guessed, her SA involved a lot of vivid, haunting eye contact. For the short term, we reached a compromise: she would trust me with blindfolding her, and while I couldn't see her eyes, I could at least focus on the rest of her face and body. The long-term solution involved many more--often difficult--conversations, as we worked through her trauma. Gradually, we weaned her off the temporary coping mechanism altogether (at her request).

Remember to talk with your partner regularly throughout your relationship--be it casual or serious--before things get heated. Find out what they need/want to have, and what they need/want to avoid.

SIGHT (Solo)
+ My tips on also Preventing/Fighting Porn Addiction

I'll be going back to a list (numbered this time, to count the steps), and I will tell you what I did to try to block out intrusive thoughts, how that became an even bigger problem, and how I finally overcame both issues. I obviously don't recommend step one, and some stages were just baby steps that might not help you or are totally unnecessary.

I really only recommend the 4th step, but I'm sharing the others to show you my mistakes.

Most importantly, I knew I couldn't quit cold turkey. Scaling back time spent on porn wasn't working either. I needed the equivalent of a nicotine patch, but for porn. Here is what it was, and how I found it:

Getting Addicted to Porn
If you only read the segment title and skipped the section above this, then you are hella confused, and rightly so. But look at it this way: you can't overcome a porn addiction if you aren't using it in the first place, so it is technically the first step in getting over porn addiction.

I thought that using porn would help ground me by giving me something to focus on visually and mentally. It kind of worked: the intrusive thoughts were quieter--gone, even. But porn doesn't truly ground you. It more so serves as escapism, in a very unhealthy way, due to the nature of what you are escaping into.
Switching to amateur porn
This is a very small baby step and likely won't help anyone trying to recover from porn addiction.

However, if for whatever reason you want to watch porn, I recommend not going farther than this, as it will prevent a lot of the negative side effects of "porn brain."

In homemade videos, people tend to look and behave in a manner that is better reflective of real life, but not always.

A lot of industry porn being made now is in the style of armature porn, don't let it fool you. Just because they only have one camera, it's POV, or it's unedited, doesn't mean it is better for you. It's not the production quality of studio porn that hurts you--it's the unrealistic expectations.

It may even be healthy to look at a truly amateur-made porn, once in a while. It would need to be made by actual couples in a loving, non-transactional relationship. It could:

Set realistic expectations.

Teach you: new positions, techniques, how to please your partner, etc.

Show you how real couples communicate during sex.

Help you overcome anxiety related to sex if you are inexperienced.

The keyword there is "could." You would need to know the couple is making these in good faith to give you a realistic look at a healthy couple. Unfortunately, I can't walk you through what that means here, but there are plenty of resources on how to identify a happy, sexually active couple, in general.

While watching amateur porn is still supporting porn sites, who are arguably part of the problem, it at least keeps views from going to the worst part of the industry.

Many amateur porn creators host purely educational content. This specifically can be very helpful to inexperienced people, and due to its subject matter, it can be used as an intimacy aid.
Hentai, H-mags, porn games, still images, dirty magazines, etc.
This is just another baby step, each medium with more cons than pros.

The overall plus is that most--but not all--of these are not inherently exploitative of actors.

Each of these can very much be addictive and cause "porn brain." There is an argument to be made in favor of "wholesome" content, similar to what I talked about under amateur porn. However, it is a minefield trying to find it.

The inherent dopamine-reward cycles of video games in general, combined with porn, can make them exceptionally addictive. Especially when microtransactions or gottcha-style content is involved.
Erotic Stories. (Just...hear me out.)
My nicotine patch, my solution, and my best advice to you, unironically.

Reading erotica has never given me any of the negative side effects that any other kind of smut has.

I cannot find any reputable evidence indicating that it can cause "porn brain." My own experience reflects this.

Be aware that while I use the term "erotica" to refer exclusively to written smut, many researchers use the term "erotica" interchangeably with photo and video pornography, which makes finding any relevant papers difficult.

You can get proper erotic novels, i.e., books and eBooks, if you want to avoid how overwhelming erotica websites can be.

A lot of fantasy novels have sexual content that may be useful. Search for "Book Tok Novels," and no, I can't believe I'm encouraging you to do that, either. But it's much better for you than porn.

On a website like Literotica, use these tips:

Use ad blockers, because they often have porn banner ads, sadly.

The Ublock Origin browser extension is great because you can set it to block all images from a domain.

Learn where the "tags" icon is at the top of stories. Use it as a "trigger warning" section.

If something happens in the story and you don't like it or it feels too porn-ish, stop reading!

It's easier to ignore the printed word than actual images.

If you dislike some detail in the story, you can change it in your mind or by physically editing it.

When reading a book, you can cross out/white out disliked parts and fill them in with what you like.

When using a website, you can copy the text into a word processor and edit it there.

Reading is good for you

This brings me to my final overall tip: Make your own erotic stories!

Either read some that others have written first to get an idea of what you want, or just start writing!

Using paper, your computer, notes app, or tablet, just write it!

If you'd rather not write it out, just commit the stories to memory.

Warning! If you don't write it out, then your eyes have nothing to focus on. Meanwhile, if you are trying to prevent intrusive thoughts, it helps to keep your eyes busy. You can try closing your eyes and focusing intensely on your imagination, but your results may vary. Perhaps look at what your hands are doing, watch yourself in a mirror (I know this idea sounds ick to most people, I'm sorry, but it could help with self-confidence), or find a pleasant non-pornographic image to stare at--an attractive character, maybe?

It has occurred to me that I have written all of this and only now remembered that up to 5% of people cannot picture images in their minds. If you are aphantasic, then maybe it would be better to focus on some images of tasteful nudes, preferably ones with realistic body proportions, that are not engaged in any overly graphic acts.
Bonus tip: Cybersex
If reading erotica is not your thing and writing it by yourself doesn't suit you, then why not try writing some with a friend in real time? Yes, that is essentially what text-based cybersex is!

Do your due diligence and make sure they are 18+

Make sure you set boundaries; exercise basic Internet safety.

I recommend against sharing pictures or videos or video chatting, as this can have the same pitfalls as other mediums listed above which can cause "porn brain."

If you never share pictures, though, how can you be sure they are who they say they are, including their age?

By sharing pictures fully clothed, tastefully cropped, in non-sexual situations.

By using chatrooms/adult friend finding services that verify ages and details for you.

Be careful out there! If your identity gets compromised and then you cyber with someone, they may blackmail you. Don't ever write something to someone that you aren't willing to have read by the general public.

Relationships can be either casual or serious. Be respectful, practice good communication, and follow general relationship advice.

Unfortunately, this can be just as hard to start as an in-person relationship. You are essentially starting an LDR (Long-Distance Relationship).

My own experiences are, sadly, likely to be useless to you here. Chatrooms I once used are all defunct. Sorry, people. I have also had LDRs that turned into in-person relationships, but I'm reluctant to share details yet. Also, that information would be more appropriate for a "How to Successfully Navigate Dating Apps" or "Tips on Modern Dating" type of post.

Don't use bots. Sext bots can also cause a type of "porn brain" in that they condition you for unrealistic expectations.

Most of this advice revolves around keeping all of your senses busy, which I understand can be uncomfortable for some people, namely neurodivergents. I recommend just doing the ones you can.
I also know that much of this advice doubles as how to heighten sexual experiences. That is the point: to keep your brain so concentrated on the current moment that intrusive thoughts can't enter edgewise.

The road to recovery is rocky, wrought with wrong turns, roadblocks, and pitfalls. And with a history of SA, every step can feel like a marathon. I truly want to help, but I will not lie: I cannot carry you. But if you would allow me the privilege of accompanying you, I would consider it my honor. I want you all to know that as long as I'm still logging in, I'm here for you, and as long as SaSu stays up, I hope my experiences can guide you.

NSFW Life Post-SA: How I Overcame Intrusive Thoughts During Sex/Masturbation AND a Porn Addiction

The Actual Devil

I Go By Many Names: Can You Say 10?

Similar threads