Life only gets worse (so far, for me)

[lessthanperfect]

[I wrote the title and then realized it sounds super pessimistic and discouraging, so this is specifically about me (and anyone who relates). Things do get better for some people, but they haven't for me.]

People (my family) keep asking me if I'm doing better or "have you felt any of those things recently (depression, suicidal ideation, desire to self-harm)?" and it fucking sucks. Of course I have; I have suicidal thoughts 24 hours of every day.

I used to try to explain it to my mom (when I was a teenager) but after the third or fourth time of her completely disregarding what I said I stopped trying. It's like they expect me to wake up one day saying "God is good, I'm so happy to be alive!" and it just proves they have no clue what it feels like to want to die.

I don't have 13 reasons why; I have 31000 tiny, nearly insignificant reasons that have all added up and the one main reason of being mentally fragile in the first place.

Every little thing affects me more than it should and they don't go away when something good happens. I don't understand why they think me laughing at a funny joke or agreeing to play a game with them means I'm suddenly happy again.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

It's awful trying to explain to others what torment we go through, yet they will never understand it unless they've been through it themselves.
I also hate people asking how I am because I can't tell them the real truth, and even if I did tell them the truth it would just cause problems.

As you say, people are clueless.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't understand why they think me laughing at a funny joke or agreeing to play a game with them means I'm suddenly happy again.

I expect it's wishful thinking on their part. They probably can't handle acknowledging that you are unhappy all the time. I imagine especially parents feel a kind of responsibility for our well being. I think they like to think they have raised a well adjusted, 'normal' child- so I suspect they hope that any difficult periods are just a phase and not indicative of some deeper problem (that they may have had a hand in setting up.)

I think if they are compassionate- there's also a limit too with how much they can take on- if that makes sense? Imagine you know someone you love is in a tremendous amount of pain every day and there's nothing you can seem to do to save them. I don't think everyone can cope with that. I expect maybe what they're doing is a coping mechanism for them. They want to believe you are getting better. Maybe they hope that- if they point out the positives that you will see them too.

A good friend of my Mum's pointed out that my Dad was basically bored of hearing my problems. (He doesn't know I'm suicidal.) It's sad but some people simply don't like being around negativity. Of course- as she pointed out- it doesn't help us at all- unfortunately. I'm sorry your family don't seem willing to understand.