Life_and_Death
Do what's best for you 🕯️ Sometimes I'm stressed
- Jul 1, 2020
- 6,886
I've recently been to the hospital for my eating disorder. And thanks to them, I never want to see another doctor. (this isn't the first time I've tried to get myself help).
I heard him talking about getting me a dietitian. I was happy, that's what I needed, just someone to take some of the stress off eating. But instead he sends me to see someone in MH that was condensending as hell and only makes me want to eat less.
I have been under eating since birth.
It doesn't feel right to call it anorexia, I wasn't doing it to myself.
My story starts with my mother not caring. So I didn't get fed as an infant.
Growing up I remember that I had a preference towards drinks. My mother often having to put my drink out of reach so I "don't fill up on it and eat". I didn't think much about it, and maybe it's still not connected, just coincedence. But I know that's how I am today. I'll have drinks to replace food (not even food replacement drinks, just anything like pop/soda, juice).
Instead of caring that maybe I have a problem, she stopped making my lunch for school when I was 11. I made my own lunch for a bit, but it didn't take me long to stop bothering.
By 11-12 I was constantly hearing things like "don't touch that, it's your brothers" I wasn't allowed to have juice. I was only allowed milk if I was having cereal. Like.... My growth and health doesn't matter? It's for my brother!?
She started accusing me of "theft" in my own kitchen, and I didn't even do it. "you ate the whole box of cookies". I... Didn't get to taste a single one... I can only assume my stepfather went looking for one and she didn't want to take blame... The last time I saw that box it was still sealed shut.... But yeah... I took it... And even if I did.... It's impressive that I can steal out of my own house. So going over to friends houses (when I could) i was scared to eat... I asked if I could have food like it was a crime, whispering it in my friends ear, and concerned when she told me to just go get something...
12-13 I started skipping breakfast as well.
When I did eat supper.. It was like they were trying to tell me they didn't want me. I'd eat what I could. Full to the point that chewing on food made me want to throw up. But it wasn't good enough. "you didn't eat all your supper. You must be too full for dessert", as if she didn't understand how digestion works. So, I got to sit in my room alone, at the other end of the house, listening to family time without me... And the few times I did get dessert, I was still left alone in my room...
By highschool (14) I was going a day or 2 without food as 'suicide attempts'. I typically ended up sneaking out of my room at night to "steal" something.
The dates get fuzzy after that. I ate less and less. Comparing my amount of food as a teen to someone that just started eating, I was eating less than a baby.
After moving out (16) I didn't get any better, taking my lack of eating more into my own hands. Skipping meals, lying. The typical anorexia habits.
Now, mentally I can go days without eating. I have zero desire for it. But physically, I should be having a snack every 2hrs.
I deal with being cold and sweaty on a daily basis. I throw up (unoptionally) a lot more often than a healthy person. My body is shaky and feels drained due to the lack of energy. Sometime I struggle with something as basic as standing up. I spend 99% of my time in bed, that's all I have the energy for. I can barely shower..
I can't eat enough to keep up. Physical and mental reasons stop me at every bite. I'm just laying here waiting for death....
Thanks mom
I wish people would be more honest... Tell me you don't give a fuck, don't haul me through the mud then say "enjoy life".
I heard him talking about getting me a dietitian. I was happy, that's what I needed, just someone to take some of the stress off eating. But instead he sends me to see someone in MH that was condensending as hell and only makes me want to eat less.
I have been under eating since birth.
It doesn't feel right to call it anorexia, I wasn't doing it to myself.
My story starts with my mother not caring. So I didn't get fed as an infant.
Growing up I remember that I had a preference towards drinks. My mother often having to put my drink out of reach so I "don't fill up on it and eat". I didn't think much about it, and maybe it's still not connected, just coincedence. But I know that's how I am today. I'll have drinks to replace food (not even food replacement drinks, just anything like pop/soda, juice).
Instead of caring that maybe I have a problem, she stopped making my lunch for school when I was 11. I made my own lunch for a bit, but it didn't take me long to stop bothering.
By 11-12 I was constantly hearing things like "don't touch that, it's your brothers" I wasn't allowed to have juice. I was only allowed milk if I was having cereal. Like.... My growth and health doesn't matter? It's for my brother!?
She started accusing me of "theft" in my own kitchen, and I didn't even do it. "you ate the whole box of cookies". I... Didn't get to taste a single one... I can only assume my stepfather went looking for one and she didn't want to take blame... The last time I saw that box it was still sealed shut.... But yeah... I took it... And even if I did.... It's impressive that I can steal out of my own house. So going over to friends houses (when I could) i was scared to eat... I asked if I could have food like it was a crime, whispering it in my friends ear, and concerned when she told me to just go get something...
12-13 I started skipping breakfast as well.
When I did eat supper.. It was like they were trying to tell me they didn't want me. I'd eat what I could. Full to the point that chewing on food made me want to throw up. But it wasn't good enough. "you didn't eat all your supper. You must be too full for dessert", as if she didn't understand how digestion works. So, I got to sit in my room alone, at the other end of the house, listening to family time without me... And the few times I did get dessert, I was still left alone in my room...
By highschool (14) I was going a day or 2 without food as 'suicide attempts'. I typically ended up sneaking out of my room at night to "steal" something.
The dates get fuzzy after that. I ate less and less. Comparing my amount of food as a teen to someone that just started eating, I was eating less than a baby.
After moving out (16) I didn't get any better, taking my lack of eating more into my own hands. Skipping meals, lying. The typical anorexia habits.
Now, mentally I can go days without eating. I have zero desire for it. But physically, I should be having a snack every 2hrs.
I deal with being cold and sweaty on a daily basis. I throw up (unoptionally) a lot more often than a healthy person. My body is shaky and feels drained due to the lack of energy. Sometime I struggle with something as basic as standing up. I spend 99% of my time in bed, that's all I have the energy for. I can barely shower..
I can't eat enough to keep up. Physical and mental reasons stop me at every bite. I'm just laying here waiting for death....
Thanks mom
I wish people would be more honest... Tell me you don't give a fuck, don't haul me through the mud then say "enjoy life".
