Life keeps throwing bullcrap at me and I can't take it anymore, might attempt ctb again. Life, why do you have to be like this? Why?

[Silent_cries]

My crush found someone else to hook up with, I had to reject another close friend of mine bc they had a crush on me bc yk I already have a crush, and now our relationship might never be the same again. My mental health keeps worsening every day and still no help in sight coz it still takes fricking forever to get to start with therapy again. My anxiety and moodswings has been getting frightingly out of control and I keep having flashbacks from suffering I've witnessed in the past and from shit I've done to others and been through myself. It feels like everything is crumbling infront of me and I can't take it anymore! If only I had sn and didn't have to rely on 2% successrate partial or plastic bag method. Heck, I'd even take a gun at this point and I usually don't even like guns bc they're too loud for me. I fucking hate you life! You suck! You ruined me and you ruin everyone around me witch ruins me even more