Hi everyone,
I have been contemplating suicide for well over a decade at this point, recently in the last few months I thought there was hope in trying to achieve some normalcy. I was accepted for disability, I was hoping I could become a little bit more functional with the weight of my financial needs off my back and taken care of.
Sadly that doesn't seem to be the case however. I have developed some new health problems, and my ability to function is lower now than it previously had been. Along with that, I have had a massive ideological shift. Things I thought I knew with great certainty, now don't seem so clear or as cut and dry as they once did.
I also have been called back to Christianity, I have my reasons to believe God exists, and that God is trying to develop a relationship with me, and attempting to work through me.
However, the problem is that I still want to kill myself, everything is eating me, and now with God back in my life I just feel more fucked than ever. I feel like I may end up more damned than I already think I am now.
I think the thought, and past attempts of suicide were easier for me when I just thought nothingness awaited me. But now I really just don't know.
I feel like I am running from the frying pan into the fire. All I really want is peace.
Then there is also the family aspect, my immediate family knows what an absolute train-wreck I am; but it still doesn't change the fact that they love and care about me in their own ways.
I was recently talking to my younger sister about suicide and my wish to die, and she told me that she wouldn't want to live in this world without me… This makes me feel even worse, because she is typically happy and is able to enjoy life for the most part; but if I go she might follow. And then there is my mother who tells me all the time that she would never recover from my loss.
I understand what a detrimental impact suicide can have on one's family, and it makes me feel very guilty.
But I am also tired of feeling guilty, I wish my parents were able to consider the consequences of reproduction, I wish they were able to think of all the potential "what if's" that come with having children and by extension creating a whole new existence for someone. I feel like they gambled with my existence, and now I pay the price.
Why were my parents (and countless others), "in the right" to create a new unconsenting life, as deemed alright by society and religion, but it is wrong to end your own life?
I also find it funny that since being born, I now face the risk of damnation, due to sin and all the other various drawbacks of existence in this world.
But anyways enough of this for now.. I haven't slept, I really just want to cease to exist already, but I am just becoming more and more conflicted. Everything is screaming at me, and I just want it all to stop.
If you have managed to make it this far, thank you for your time.
I have been contemplating suicide for well over a decade at this point, recently in the last few months I thought there was hope in trying to achieve some normalcy. I was accepted for disability, I was hoping I could become a little bit more functional with the weight of my financial needs off my back and taken care of.
Sadly that doesn't seem to be the case however. I have developed some new health problems, and my ability to function is lower now than it previously had been. Along with that, I have had a massive ideological shift. Things I thought I knew with great certainty, now don't seem so clear or as cut and dry as they once did.
I also have been called back to Christianity, I have my reasons to believe God exists, and that God is trying to develop a relationship with me, and attempting to work through me.
However, the problem is that I still want to kill myself, everything is eating me, and now with God back in my life I just feel more fucked than ever. I feel like I may end up more damned than I already think I am now.
I think the thought, and past attempts of suicide were easier for me when I just thought nothingness awaited me. But now I really just don't know.
I feel like I am running from the frying pan into the fire. All I really want is peace.
Then there is also the family aspect, my immediate family knows what an absolute train-wreck I am; but it still doesn't change the fact that they love and care about me in their own ways.
I was recently talking to my younger sister about suicide and my wish to die, and she told me that she wouldn't want to live in this world without me… This makes me feel even worse, because she is typically happy and is able to enjoy life for the most part; but if I go she might follow. And then there is my mother who tells me all the time that she would never recover from my loss.
I understand what a detrimental impact suicide can have on one's family, and it makes me feel very guilty.
But I am also tired of feeling guilty, I wish my parents were able to consider the consequences of reproduction, I wish they were able to think of all the potential "what if's" that come with having children and by extension creating a whole new existence for someone. I feel like they gambled with my existence, and now I pay the price.
Why were my parents (and countless others), "in the right" to create a new unconsenting life, as deemed alright by society and religion, but it is wrong to end your own life?
I also find it funny that since being born, I now face the risk of damnation, due to sin and all the other various drawbacks of existence in this world.
But anyways enough of this for now.. I haven't slept, I really just want to cease to exist already, but I am just becoming more and more conflicted. Everything is screaming at me, and I just want it all to stop.
If you have managed to make it this far, thank you for your time.
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