A
AintNoWayOut
Student
- Jan 6, 2020
- 173
everything about it is shit. both physically and mentally. i am always in physical discomfort... for six years straight my neck has been in constant pain. my neck, upper back and traps are always stiff... i feel like i have literal weight on my shoulders that never comes off. and after countless trips to doctors i've found no solution. this pain causes lots of anxiety and makes functioning an extreme challenge, but so long as im breathing, i have no choice but to "contribute" through working a job and putting up with the bs of the world on top of my body torturing me 24/7. i just want to fly out of my body, i fucking hate how uncomfortable i feel damn near all of the time in this stupid broken thing. and since im only 22 and have been dealing with this since 16, i've missed out on countless life experiences and opportunities which i'll never get back. so mentally, im destroyed. even in a moment where the pain isnt at its worst, im unable to enjoy or appreciate the moment because im so consumed by the fact that i've had so many years taken from me. i didnt get to drive around with friends after high school, listening to music and vibing, going to the mall, talking to girls, going to parties... maybe these things wouldnt have happened or been so great anyways, but i have to attribute most of it to my chronic pain which drives me to the point of near insanity. im consumed by these thoughts of how my PAST could have been, which couples with my pain to make me miserable in the PRESENT... so where the fuck is my FUTURE?? i just feel a giant void in the middle of my soul... im broken. i cant be repaired. its already 2021 somehow and im still in this mess... my old friends have all moved on and im still stuck in this same place. i tried texting one the other day and he replied to me once and hasnt hit me back since. i wish i could drop dead rn and be spared all the inevitable extra anguish.
sorry for the rant, let me make my point. why does life have to be great for some and so shit for others?? even when playing on a similar playing field... im not comparing a millionaire to someone in poverty here. the guy nextdoor to me, living in the same neighborhood, doesnt have to suffer all because a few factors in his life are different. all it takes is one mistake or incident to fuck EVERYTHING up... the line between suffering and living is SO thin. why does life allow suffering like this to take place? people say its a part of life, but... for me, its basically all there is. why even bother to keep going when theres no relief or payoff? there cant be a god with the world being this cruel and unfair.
sorry for the rant, let me make my point. why does life have to be great for some and so shit for others?? even when playing on a similar playing field... im not comparing a millionaire to someone in poverty here. the guy nextdoor to me, living in the same neighborhood, doesnt have to suffer all because a few factors in his life are different. all it takes is one mistake or incident to fuck EVERYTHING up... the line between suffering and living is SO thin. why does life allow suffering like this to take place? people say its a part of life, but... for me, its basically all there is. why even bother to keep going when theres no relief or payoff? there cant be a god with the world being this cruel and unfair.