Story Life is ironic

[notMyRealName]

I've a had a very traumatic life, I used to live in a country where we had basically no rights, I had a very rough childhood because of my abusive father and life didn't get easier as an adult because I suffered from PTSD, depression and anxiety. My anxiety was so bad I even started experiencing brain fog (it's when feel like reality is a dream and you start to question if it's even real) it's a desperate way for the human brain to escape the pressure, it was so awful I thought I was going crazy. I was obviously suicidal at this point I hated life and how unfair it was.

Even though I grew up in a rough environment, I was always a dreamer, it's what kept me alive to this day, I've always fantasized about leaving the country, always wanted to live life like it's a movie and experience things I didn't get to experience as a teen/young adult, I know it's unrealistic in most cases I'm not dumb but I love to dream. Last year I managed to get a student visa to study in France, I already had my diploma but I just needed a way to get out of the country. I made it to France in September 2019, my plan was to cross as many items as possible off my bucket list and then CBT when my visa expires.

It was very exciting, it was like a dream come true, I was still suffering with my mental health, but I was happy even though I still felt low, sometimes which is normal because you can't just recover from 24 years of trauma just like that.

I got my SN a while ago and I was still determined to use it before my visa expires. A couple months after I got here I started to feel myself slowly come back to life, I started feeling better and better and I could finally see life in colors. I learned so much over the last few months, I never felt happier I became a completely different person. Part of me was still sad because because I was jealous of people who were born in first-world countries I kept thinking about how different my life would have been if I was born in here but I was still happy I made it this far.

Long story short my suicidal thoughts are completely gone now, I know I'm still not completely healed and I don't know if I will ever be but for the first time in my life I feel hope, real hope, and I know that there is still room for improvement, I'm still learning things everyday, I'm doing my best to become a better person.

Here is the best part, about a week ago, my professor from university (a racist asshole) contacted me to tell me that I failed this year, and he said that I can't re enroll because the courses already started knowing that the results were late because of COVID and partly because of him but it was definitely completely out of my hands. Anyway, this means that I will lose my visa which in my case means I lose EVERYTHING!

Life gave me hope and it took it away just like that. So ironically now I have to use the SN I ordered after all, only this time it feels like I'm killing myself against my will because I really want to live, but I still rather die than to go back to my old life.

I'm crying my eyes out as I'm writing this because I know what's coming next, I'm so mad at myself, I should have fought harder, I should have done better, maybe if I wasn't so obsessed with my past I would have done better in college and avoided all of this but FUCK life is too cruel.

I don't know why i'm posting this here, i guess i just wanted to share this with someone, i can't really tell anyone i know what i'm planing to do so i'm telling you instead.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I wish so much I could fix this situation for you so that you could stay and continue healing and living.

I really relate to your post. Maybe there's something in my comment here you can relate to? Maybe not. I have PTSD, too, but my situation was less intense than yours, at least I grew up in the US and had some privilege. After a lot of work over a very long period of time, I've come out of a significant amount of the PTSD. But my situation is out of my control and it's the best choice for me to end my life, to exit from the party of life, because I accept there are some things I just don't have the power to overcome, things outside of me. I take comfort that I overcame so much, that I got to experience moments of self power and clarity. I take comfort that I am worthy of things being better for me than they are, and that the world isn't better for my leaving it, because I think the world is better when people make an effort to keep healing, learning and growing -- I wish your father could have done that, it takes a lot of backbone to do; I wish my parents had done it, too. I have faced hard things about my experiences and about my own responsibilities, and done my best to become and to be the better person I already was and am. I wish I had the opportunity to keep going with that, but I'm really pleased with how far I got. I am proud that I earned my self-respect, and no situation can take that away from me.

Sending you huge hugs if you want them. You're worthy of things being better, and I have so much empathy and compassion for you. If you keep posting about your experiences, I'll be glad to read them.

 

[succor]

Feeling the effects of your trauma is not being "obsessed with your past". It's not your fault and it's not something you've done wrong. You can't help the hurt that you were left with, and I'm so sorry you experienced it. I'm sorry life has cornered you like this. I will hold out hope that something will change, or that there can be some other way for you to stay in France. Do you know of anything that may help your situation that anyone could help you with?

Please don't feel hesitant about venting or talking about your pain. We are here t listen and you are heard and loved. I'm sending so much positivity and hope for comfort your way.

 

[notMyRealName]

Feeling the effects of your trauma is not being "obsessed with your past". It's not your fault and it's not something you've done wrong. You can't help the hurt that you were left with, and I'm so sorry you experienced it. I'm sorry life has cornered you like this. I will hold out hope that something will change, or that there can be some other way for you to stay in France. Do you know of anything that may help your situation that anyone could help you with?

Please don't feel hesitant about venting or talking about your pain. We are here t listen and you are heard and loved. I'm sending so much positivity and hope for comfort your way.

You guys are already helping with your comments, i don't know what i'm going to do or if i'm going to make it, but i have until febuary to try something.
Your comment did make me feel a little better tho, thank you for that

 

[SN-chan]

You've spent your energy and childhood building your brain up(I'm assuming) while others although privileged would usually waste it away and their potential with it by just enjoying their lives. It would be a waste, a real shame quitting now, like you went through all of that for nothing. If I had a straight mind and not suffering by a debilitating mental health issues, knowing what I know about life now I would just fucking try to muster through it, make the best of what you got, and it really is all about the mind, just make it work and keep on working it, making yourself better in the process.