Rogue_Gendarme
Ten Thousand Years
- Apr 22, 2024
- 51
There's this line from the movie 'The City of Life and Death' about the concept of living itself. The movie itself is about the R4pe of Nanking by the IJA and it depicts some truly, truly horrible stuff. But one line stuck out with me and that was "Life is often harder than death."
I think about that a lot. How hard it is to live but also to CTB. When once I tried CTB'ing via hanging, I found myself at a crossroads, and that was: should I do this? Obviously, I didn't, but the answer I chose was "yes. Yes, I should."
Because, for me, and many others in this site, there is nothing more obvious than the fact that a single moment of eternal pain is incomparably more optimal than a lifetime of slow, agonizing, and ceaseless suffering.
Getting treatment is hard. Getting mental healthcare is hard. It feels like every staff is rude against you and like they don't fucking give a shit, even when you're seriously suicidal and seriously on the brink of killing yourself. Especially in such a shithole, 3rd world nation in Asia. (Philippines, for reference.)
Medications cost a lot and not even considering the fact that it's not even sufficient. RN, I have to save up money to feel fine by taking xanax and at the same time I have to save up the xanax itself for when I CTB. Christ, everything is so difficult.
The dosage doesn't even suffice, it's too low for me to feel anything, and I still feel like shit all the time. Maybe because I'm not taking enough, sure, but at the same time I have no choice. My head hurts, I can't sleep, I can't think well — even before the meds. Somehow, they make me calm though.
Looking forward for a diagnosis to get me a PWD ID and reap some minor rewards before I leave this place. And I hope I feel stable and get the treatment I need before I leave as well. Please, doc, just up the xanax dosage, maybe then I'd feel fine. Maybe some naltrexone to make me stop coping through vices.
Maybe some sleeping pills, some quetiapine to cure my possible BPD. I need more meds, I need more dosage. I want to feel happy before I die.
I think about that a lot. How hard it is to live but also to CTB. When once I tried CTB'ing via hanging, I found myself at a crossroads, and that was: should I do this? Obviously, I didn't, but the answer I chose was "yes. Yes, I should."
Because, for me, and many others in this site, there is nothing more obvious than the fact that a single moment of eternal pain is incomparably more optimal than a lifetime of slow, agonizing, and ceaseless suffering.
Getting treatment is hard. Getting mental healthcare is hard. It feels like every staff is rude against you and like they don't fucking give a shit, even when you're seriously suicidal and seriously on the brink of killing yourself. Especially in such a shithole, 3rd world nation in Asia. (Philippines, for reference.)
Medications cost a lot and not even considering the fact that it's not even sufficient. RN, I have to save up money to feel fine by taking xanax and at the same time I have to save up the xanax itself for when I CTB. Christ, everything is so difficult.
The dosage doesn't even suffice, it's too low for me to feel anything, and I still feel like shit all the time. Maybe because I'm not taking enough, sure, but at the same time I have no choice. My head hurts, I can't sleep, I can't think well — even before the meds. Somehow, they make me calm though.
Looking forward for a diagnosis to get me a PWD ID and reap some minor rewards before I leave this place. And I hope I feel stable and get the treatment I need before I leave as well. Please, doc, just up the xanax dosage, maybe then I'd feel fine. Maybe some naltrexone to make me stop coping through vices.
Maybe some sleeping pills, some quetiapine to cure my possible BPD. I need more meds, I need more dosage. I want to feel happy before I die.
