uniqueusername4
died a long time ago
- Aug 13, 2023
- 199
My first attempt was in 2016. This was after having grown up in an abusive household, being SA'ed in college, and an abusive relationship. I've been diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, depression, and OCD. I've attempted several times, I tried with pills a lot at first before I read on lostallhope that pills weren't a very effective method. Then I started researching more. I've tried CO2, nitrogen, and bag methods. Either SI or equipment safety mechanisms always get in the way. I'm gathering the things needed for SN now. I feel like this method is similar enough to pills that I will be able to follow through, and hopefully a lot more effective. I am usually so happy after finding a suicide method because it feels freeing. Now the choice to be here is mine, or at least it should be very soon barring everything goes well with my order. This time though, I am still so down. I just feel defeated honestly.
I recently moved from my home state, about 2 years ago. I have been estranged from my family for a few years and it is getting to feel normal. I found an okay career path and was finding my community in some ways. I feel like community is really hard to find nowadays but these are at the very least people to pass the time with, even if I can't be my true self like I can on here. I feel like I had finally saw that maybe I could make it. I was really starting to see being able to give life a chance. Then, my job went sideways. The director began harassing me (among others) and I ended up having to leave to protect my mental health. I wasn't able to get unemployment because the company denied harassment so it was seen as a voluntary quit. I've been unemployed since November now. My field is pretty competitive, so I knew it would possibly take a while for me to get a job within my field, but I am just shocked that I cant get a job anywhere, doing anything. I even took a couple of my degrees off my temp job resume because I think with some of the entry level jobs, having more than a bachelors can hinder you. If I don't have a job by April 28th, I will be homeless because my lease is up at my current apartments and they are selling so I cant re-sign with them. I wont be able to get a new apartment without a job. Like I said, I am estranged from my family and I am not going to make my newer friends out here house me or go to my hometown. My SN is on the way but it really feels like I am being forced to die at this point and I think that is what makes it feel different this time. I still feel like even if I had a job, I might still choose to die given the option but it is weird not being able to choose.
Side note: I have to have a remote position due to my anxiety. I have literal panic attacks when I work in person, even in a healthy environment but I work perfectly fine remotely. My last position was hybrid (because I felt like I was getting healthier) and the harassment made it to where I would get physically ill on the days I had to go into work in person. I know this makes my chances of employment lower but it is something that I dont have a choice in at the moment. I have been working with my therapist on it as well.
Lately, I haven't even been able to get the motivation to apply for jobs because the market is so tough. I have been moving from bed to couch and back for days. I have been isolating myself as much as possible. I feel like the threat of being homeless should be the ultimate motivation to apply for jobs...what is wrong with me?
I recently moved from my home state, about 2 years ago. I have been estranged from my family for a few years and it is getting to feel normal. I found an okay career path and was finding my community in some ways. I feel like community is really hard to find nowadays but these are at the very least people to pass the time with, even if I can't be my true self like I can on here. I feel like I had finally saw that maybe I could make it. I was really starting to see being able to give life a chance. Then, my job went sideways. The director began harassing me (among others) and I ended up having to leave to protect my mental health. I wasn't able to get unemployment because the company denied harassment so it was seen as a voluntary quit. I've been unemployed since November now. My field is pretty competitive, so I knew it would possibly take a while for me to get a job within my field, but I am just shocked that I cant get a job anywhere, doing anything. I even took a couple of my degrees off my temp job resume because I think with some of the entry level jobs, having more than a bachelors can hinder you. If I don't have a job by April 28th, I will be homeless because my lease is up at my current apartments and they are selling so I cant re-sign with them. I wont be able to get a new apartment without a job. Like I said, I am estranged from my family and I am not going to make my newer friends out here house me or go to my hometown. My SN is on the way but it really feels like I am being forced to die at this point and I think that is what makes it feel different this time. I still feel like even if I had a job, I might still choose to die given the option but it is weird not being able to choose.
Side note: I have to have a remote position due to my anxiety. I have literal panic attacks when I work in person, even in a healthy environment but I work perfectly fine remotely. My last position was hybrid (because I felt like I was getting healthier) and the harassment made it to where I would get physically ill on the days I had to go into work in person. I know this makes my chances of employment lower but it is something that I dont have a choice in at the moment. I have been working with my therapist on it as well.
Lately, I haven't even been able to get the motivation to apply for jobs because the market is so tough. I have been moving from bed to couch and back for days. I have been isolating myself as much as possible. I feel like the threat of being homeless should be the ultimate motivation to apply for jobs...what is wrong with me?
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